Brett and I grabbed our second hors d'oeuvre from a cater waiter at a gay political fundraiser in this low-lit bar in the West Loop. The candidate just lectured on his promise to help end "Don't Ask. Don't tell" in the military. But what I wanted was Brett to tell me what was on his mind. He hadn't said much, and when I saw him down his vodka-7 in one quick swig I knew something was up.
"So, something's wrong. You didn't scoff at that guys tie. You always scoff at bad ties," I asked, casually nodding toward the guy across the room.
"It's Ryan," Brett told me while putting his empty glass on another waiters tray. "The question came up last night."
"Wait, like, marriage! Brett you two have only been dating for like three weeks! I don't think you're…"
"No! The 'how many people have you slept with' question."
"Oh, well, so. You haven't been with that many people."
"No. But he has."
"Oh…"
"And now I feel weird because he's been with a lot of guys and I start to sort of judge him and then I get jealous because I didn't get to be with a lot. … and it's just stupid because I like him! I just wish he hadn't told me! I would have been better off … right?" Brett grabs another drink from a waiter and sighs while taking a giant swig.
In a good relationship we want to know everything about our partner. It's part of the fun to discover who they are. It's those things that you should also be in love with.
When it comes to single pasts, though, do we want to know those details? What happens when we find out something we don't like and changes the way we perceive our partners? Whether it's how many people they've slept with or how many people they've slept with at the same time, perhaps it's better to pretend singlehood never existed for our partners.
We're fighting against it in the military, but on the fronts of relationships, are there some things we don't ask and shouldn't tell?
"I think it just comes down to security," I said to Brett during our cab ride home. "Being single is a learning lesson, right? But it's in the past. We make mistakes with actions to be better partners. Why feel threaten by something that you can't change or has no effect on how much he cares about you? Sex is sex and as long as he was safe…"
Brett nodded while watching the streetlights pass outside the window: "I know…"
"You also don't want to make a big deal about him opening up to you or else he may be afraid to tell you other personal things. He needs to feel safe to be himself even when it might be part of himself he doesn't want to expose," I said while opening the cab door in front of my place and hugging Brett goodnight.
That's what it comes down to in a solid partnership. You should feel safe to be who you are and that includes respecting ones past, present and future. Learning about our partners will introduce surprises, but there's no reason to judge what can't be changed. In the end, you have to be supportive. You have to be prepared.
You have to be all you can be.