Wade Davis wasn't expecting much response to his coming out. Maybe an interview or two, nothing major, and then quickly on with the rest of his life.
Well, it was—and is—news when a former professional athlete reveals he is gay, especially one with ties to one of the big-four male team sports.
Thus, Davis celebrated Pride Month by coming out to Outsports.com, and has followed that with an appearance on CNN with Soledad O'Brien, coverage on ESPN, and stories in The New York Times and other high-profile media outlets.
"It's been exciting, but, at the same time, it's been trying because of all the attention this story has gotten," Davis said in an interview with Windy City Times. "I didn't think this story would get this big. I just thought it'd be, OK, another athlete is coming out … but never to the extent that I have [experienced].
"So many friends, teammates, high school buddies, etc., have reached out to me—to just offer their support. That's been great. I didn't expect so much positive feedback."
Davis never expected he'd be trending on Google.
"If I had known [before coming out] that I'd be on CNN, I may have had more trepidation about coming out," he said, laughing.
Davis played cornerback and spent four preseasons with three NFL teams, and also played in NFL Europe. He played at Weber State University and then spent the 2000 and 2002 preseasons with the Tennessee Titans, which featured such stars at the time as Jevon Kearse and Eddie George.
Davis' football career ended in 2003 after he got hurt in training camp.
"One of the biggest goals I had [for coming out] was to create a conversation," said Davis, who has since heard from former friends, including teammates and classmates, he hung with 10 and 15 years ago.
A few weeks after coming out, Davis said he had already heard from about 15 former teammates, most from his collegiate days. Only two former NFL players have sent emails, both supporting him.
Davis has not received any direct response from the NFL, "though I have some friends who work closely with the NFL and they have said that the NFL has been very positive" about Davis' coming out, he said.
Davis also has not heard from his dad about his coming out, which he admitted "is kind of shocking."
The two have long had issues about Davis' sexual orientation.
"I'm really shocked that he hasn't reached out," Davis said of his dad. "Not that he has to be OK with my sexuality, but, us just having a conversation around it and him offering some resemblance of support. I [have been] very shocked by that."
Davis is now a staff member at the Hetrick-Martin Institute in New York, working with LGBT youth.
"The work I am now doing is so important to me and actually was the catalyst for me to come out," Davis said. "I really wanted the world to know that I not only am a gay athlete, but I'm also one who spends his daily life really trying to understand what our youth are going through and to just let them know that I'm really doing grassroots work to support these youth, whether they are athletes or not, in as many ways as possible."
Davis' post-football path to HMI went through the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), where he did outreach work. "I quickly realized it was a passion of mine, that I was really enjoying it," he said.
That led Davis to HMI and a full-time job, leaving his past position in advertising and marketing.
"This may sound crazy, but, this [work] may be a bigger deal in my life than playing in the NFL was, just because of the impact I'm able to have with these youths and to see their lives change right in front of you; that's a little different than playing in the NFL. Sure, playing in the NFL was a lifelong dream of mine, but I never dreamed I would be able to change the lives of youths."
When Davis started at HMI, he intentionally did not reveal his football days—or much else from his past.
"I wanted them to know that I chose this job because it was/is something that I really wanted to do," he said. "What I've found is, they've become more my heroes.
"What I've learned and seen is, these kids sacrifice everything, including, at times, family and friends, shelter and safety, to be whom they want to be. I didn't have that strength. So, for me to be able to interact with them and see what real strength looks like, it is so empowering for me—and it truly pushes me to work harder for them.
"I would hope that I've had some impact on them, but I think they've had an even more profound impact on me. If I'm having a bad day, they can sense that—and they're then more worried about me than themselves, and that's just true love because these are youth who may not have a place to stay, or may not have eaten the day before, yet they're still worried about someone else, and they're happy. That makes me want to do more and more for them."
HMI works with LGBTQ New Yorkers, ranging in age from 12 to 24, and their families, and offers a variety of direct services and referrals.
"I think, initially, they were shocked that I didn't tell them that I played in the NFL," said Davis, who has always been out at work. "Thing is, I have always wanted them to see me as a gay, professional Black man because, often, a lot of our youth who are Black and brown don't often see other professionals who look like them, who talk like them, act like them in a professional setting. But the thing I love is, they treat me the exact same—they don't care if I was on CNN; they don't care if I was in The New York Times. All they care is, for instance, 'Is Wade still going to show up [to work] every day for me, now that he's this so-called celebrity?' Or, 'Is he still going to show up Monday through Friday, like he's always been. Is he going to get my resume done on time? Is he going to make sure I have a Subway token?' Their lives are so different from mine; they can't even fathom what I'm going through every day, and I actually really appreciate that. So they look at me the exact same way," as before coming out.
The younger generation is much different from the days Davis was their age. It's called social media—and that often means bullying a teen is a 24/7 experience.
"For my generation, a place like HMI might not have been as vital, but it definitely is now," Davis said. "The way I relate [to the youngsters] is, I listen because the world I relate to is completely different [than theirs], so yes, I can't truly relate to a certain point. So I listen at least twice as much as I talk, and I really try to look at the world through their eyes.
"Instead of putting my preconceived notions about what's best for them in life, I really try to understand what this person's circumstances are—and then offer alternatives, but also teach them how to think and think critically about every decision that they make. Instead of having to understand their world, my goal is to better prepare them for the world that they are going to live in because I cannot prepare them for a world that I have not existed in or that I've never really seen, especially at their age."
Davis saw first-hand what youngsters endure while on a New York Subway, heading in to work. He was less than a month into the job at HMI when he spotted one of his youth on the train as well, though she didn't see him. "I watched so many people violate her with their eyes, just because of the way she presented herself which, to some, may be different from others. They looked at her as if she was an alien; that broke my heart and it let me know that I have a lot of work to do, not to just get our youth to be confident in themselves, but also to bring the message out to others about what humanity means and how to be each other's brother and care for each other," Davis said.
He also recalled a youth's poem, including a line in it that said: "I've been hurt so much in my past that the past is all that I know."
"[That poem] got me thinking about how so many of our youth are a little afraid of success, or the idea of success," Davis said. "Though my role at HMI is to teach youth how to get jobs and maintain jobs, one of my biggest jobs at HMI is to let youth experience success and to understand that, what success may mean for me may not be success for them—and to not put my ideas of what success is on them. But to really let them experience peace, joy and happiness. Although a youth's past may be filled with pain and agony, I can give them a glimpse of safety and success, so they can remember what it feels like to be successful."
Davis admitted that his celebrity status has also briefly impacted his work in a near-negative way with some students. One youth, for instance, came to HMI wearing an inappropriate shirt. Davis told the youngster to change his shirt. The student then replied, "What will it look like if the big football celebrity kicked a kid out [of HMI] for wearing a certain shirt?"
Davis replied, "Well, what they'll find out is [that] this big football celebrity cares dearly about you and he has rules and protocol that he has to follow, just like you."
Sure enough, the youngster changed his shirt—and he hasn't worn it since.
"I know I'm making a difference," Davis said. "When I get a kid a job that offers a competitive salary, benefits and 401(k), and they know what that means … or when a kid joyfully says that he got a job, thanks to interview skills that I taught him … or a kid says that I inspired him to get his GED … yes, I know I'm making a difference.
"Plus, I see the change in myself; I see that I have a different level of compassion toward my fellow man that may have existed before, but I didn't know how to tap into it or use that for the greater good—but I know now."
Davis said there definitely are similarities between his HMI job and his NFL life.
"The time I played football that I enjoyed the most was when I was in NFL Europe, playing for the Berlin Thunder," he said. "We really bonded, and that's the same experience I have at HMI. There was a great sense of family and unity [with the Thunder], and when things go well at HMI, it's because of that same reason."
Davis said he did not come out earlier because he was not ready.
"Coming out is one of the most individual experiences that a person can ever have—and they have to be ready," he said. "If I had come out, say, 10 years ago, I probably would have said a lot of things that may have set a lot of younger gay youths back, instead of helping them. I lived with so much fear in high school and college and early on in the NFL; I just wasn't strong enough."
In fact, he said coming out while still wearing pads "never even crossed my mind, not even [for] one day."
Well it did, for one day, but just for a brief moment—while in NFL Europe, playing for a team in Barcelona.
"I was playing so horribly, and there were so many physical [male] attractions around me but [I] could never experience them, so it made me think if it was really worth it," Davis said. "I was playing horribly; I was affected personally; I was really beating myself up. That was one time I thought about coming out, but I thought I have too much to risk."
Risk battles reward, and more, for pro athletes contemplating coming out.
No male has yet risked it all to come out while active in one of the five top men's pro sports in the United States.
"I think the risks are twofold," Davis explained. "If you make it to the NFL, you probably have been playing the game since you were 5 or 6 [years old]; football is your way of life; it becomes who you are. So, the thought of losing that is one of the most terrifying things in the world. You put in so much blood, sweat and tears, and you think of what your future could look like if you come out—and that future looks like you living without the game of football. So, the fear of losing something that you truly love, more than your own mother at times, is the scariest thing on earth. Personally, I could not even fathom giving up the sport I grew up playing.
"Second, there's camaraderie, a family that you create when you play sports. And there's that fear that you will get kicked out of the family because you are gay.
"Those two risks are so monumental in your mind, and you cannot see the positives in your mind, if you come out. It's hard to imagine that the impact I would have [if I came out while playing] on a kid would be great, but instead just the impact it would have on you."
Still, Davis is convinced that the pioneer to come out while active, and playing in one of the big four male sports (football, baseball, basketball or hockey), is going to happen—probably within three to five years.
Perhaps it'll be an out college athlete who makes it to the pros, or someone is outed—"and that's something I never would wish on anyone," Davis said.
The first out male active pro likely will be a hockey player, Davis speculated, mostly because of the large amount of European players in the NHL.
"I don't think [the first] will be as historic as Jackie Robinson [who was the first African-American to play Major League Baseball], but damn close," Davis said. "That player's impact will be great."
Davis has been dating Steven Brister for six years. They met online and had their first date years back on Christmas eve.
"I knew instantly that I would marry [Brister]. There was never a question, and we had only seen each other for an hour at that point," Davis recalls of that holiday date. "I call him, 'My Little Hero,' because Steven is one of the most passionate and driven people I have ever met. It was very easy for me to be very driven on the football field, because that's all I knew. Steven is a successful businessman, and watching him work hard inspires me to work hard as well."
More Wade Davis:
—On being President Obama's LGBT surrogate: "It's like a dream. It's so far beyond a dream, it's a pipe dream. For me, to have the privilege to have written a story for his blog, and to be able to speak around the country on behalf of someone who I truly believe in and truly look up to and who I truly find strength in, that is yet another caveat that adds to the dream that I'm allowed to live in. For me to be able to show my youth that these opportunities are available, it's monumental."
—Periodically writes for The Huffington Post
—On Obama's stance on same-sex marriage: "You just smile. You can't really explain the feeling of euphoria that you have. I know it's going to have such a huge impact on people's lives and it's going to create a conversation for a lot of people who may not have wanted to address the issues of marriage equality."
—On marrying Steven Brister: "I've been ready to marry Steven for about the past two years. He's taking it a bit slower. But, I think within one to three years, [it will happen]."
—On having kids: Yes. In fact, they want to name the first Jackson, regardless of the baby's sex.
—On playing gay flag football: "Playing in the gay flag football [league in New York City] has been so empowering. To meet guys who like football and identify as gay, it is something that I never thought would happen. It's been a great experience."
—Quoting Cyd Zeigler of Outsports.com: "What makes Wade so special isn't his athleticism, but his sportsmanship. The guy is a champion in every sense of the word. He lifts up people around him and is so warm and inclusive. He's a real leader, and he has been a wonderful friend for many years. His participation in the Gay Bowl since 2006 has been one of the real highlights for me.
"He has played at an MVP level, but it's off the field [where] he's done his best work. His smile is contagious, and the fact that he's a former player [at the NFL level] helps elevate gay flag football to another level. [Fellow former NFL player] Esera Tuaolo did the same thing in the Gay Games in 2006. Other players relish the notion of playing against a former NFL player. It's a badge of honor."
Davis can be reached at doingmywork28@gmail.com and the Twitter handle wade_davis28.
