THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

How to Pass for Straight—AgainDoes any gay man actually need lessons in the ways of straight men? Well, just in case, Comedy Central is developing its own version of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, called Straight Plan for the Gay Man. No, Romeo isn't kidding—but Comedy Central is. The show will be hosted by comedians who call themselves "The Flab 4." Each week, these heteros will take a homo and make him stop dressing well, teach him to decorate badly, and rid him of any good manners he may have picked up along the way. So far, three episodes are in the works, in which a fashion-world guy goes to work in a meat-packing plant, a yoga instructor tries basketball, and a queen attempts to pick up chicks in a bar. (OK, OK, arm sufficiently twisted.) Romeo's TiVo is set.

Crack-heads

Mike White—the cool screenwriter who penned School of Rock, The Good Girl, and the strange, homo-stalker comedy Chuck and Buck (in which he also starred as Buck, the strange homo-stalker)—has a sitcom coming soon to Fox. Cracking Up will premiere midseason and star Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore) as a psychology student who moves into a Beverly Hills family's guest house in order to counsel the family's troubled son. But he quickly discovers that everyone in the house is crazy. The show co-stars Molly Shannon. Now, in lesser hands this could become a Malcolm in the Middle rehash, but White is more than a hired writer here. He's also the executive producer, which spells hope for an original, idiosyncratic comedy with more than a little darkness and paranoia—Romeo's favorite combo.

Lord of the Scissorhands

An all-dancing Edward Scissorhands, you ask? If Matthew Bourne has his way, yes. Bourne may not be a household name, but the Tony Award-winning director/choreographer may not remain unknown to the public for much longer if his plans for Scissorhands take off. Already responsible for creating the innovative new staging of Swan Lake (mistakenly known as the "all-male" version) and busy with a London production of Mary Poppins, Bourne is at work on a dance-theater production (as opposed to a musical play) of the popular Tim Burton movie. The film's screenwriter, Caroline Thompson, and composer Danny Elfman are collaborating with Bourne on the project, which is scheduled to hit the stage sometime in 2005. Sounds great, but will there be EMTs standing by for each performance in case a dancer gets cut?

A Christmas Idol

Last year Romeo got your hopes up for what was then to be known as International Idol, and now it's finally come to pass. The two-part World Idol will air on Christmas and New Year's Day on Fox and will pit winners of Idol contests from countries like South Africa, the Netherlands, Belgium, and Lebanon against each other for one hugely cutthroat singing competition. American winner Kelly Clarkson will participate, as will the original U.K. winner, Will Young (who surprised no one when he came out of the closet the second he won). Votes from around the world will be tallied and the winner announced on New Year's Day in what will surely be an overly long and drawn-out second half. Sadly for gay fans, however, Clay Aiken will be nowhere in sight to sing a duet with Will. Romeo San Vicente says you can keep Will and Clay; his heart belongs to Kelly. He can be reached care of this publication or at Write2Romeo@yahoo.com .