Congratulations, queer person! You have just purchased your first four-inch homophobic Christian fundamentalist preacher! Homophobic Christian fundamentalist preachers make delightful pets—provided they remain four or less inches in height. Otherwise, they create all sorts of trouble, merging with homophobic Christian fundamentalist presidents to create a nation state dedicated to world domination and the extinction of human rights.
That is why we here at 'FistOn.Org' have developed our own post-electoral, thoroughly scientific method of dealing with this rightwing menace. Our motto: 'IF YA CAN'T BEAT 'EM, SHRINK 'EM AND SELL 'EM AS PETS!' What better way to observe their frolicsome antics while avoiding hard time in queer detention centers? So enjoy your miniature preacher—and look for our line of tiny, bio-engineered senators, representatives, and presidential cabinet members, coming soon!
GETTING ACQUAINTED
Your preacher has never been four inches tall before; neither has it ever found itself screaming inside a fruit jar with holes in the lid. It will therefore feel a tad frightened and mistrustful, and may rend its little preaching garment in a droll sort of despair, just like a real Biblical character, whoever that was. When you arrive home, your pet will likely be all tuckered out from damning you to eternal hell. So place your pet gently inside its cage and allow it to rest for a few hours in a quiet, darkened room. Give it plenty of fresh water and some castor oil in its treat cup. Be sure and leave newspaper on the bottom of its cage. Old Windy City Times issues work well.
APPEARANCE
Some people prefer to have their pets professionally groomed. You can groom yours yourself, however, in the privacy of your own home. A kitchen blender can provide a stimulating whirlpool bath. For a liberating steam room experience, try immersing your preacher for 2 to 3 minutes in a heated pressure cooker. Pat dry. Now, it is time for 'defrocking.' Get your pet out of those drab clerical togs and into a gold lamé tank top and pedal pushers from your sister's old Barbie collection. Add a hair ribbon, plus a few tiny band-aids, et voila!—has Armageddon ever looked cuter?
TAMING YOUR PREACHER
Reach into its cage and ask your pet to perch on your finger. Chances are your preacher will respond with hurtful religious epithets: 'Godhatesfags, Godhatesfags, auauck,' or 'Polly Want a Rapture.' It is time for discipline. Grasping its torso firmly between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, bring the little fellow out of its cage. Now, gently crush its nose with the thumb of your right hand. Religious enlightenment will follow.
FUN WITH YOUR PET
Tie your preacher to a roller skate and push it down the stairs! Chase it around the house with a vacuum cleaner! Or use him in your next science project—they're so cute trying to decide which lever releases the pellet and which delivers the electric shock.
ESCAPE!
Make sure the cage is made of reinforced steel. Homophobe preachers have been known to gnaw through bars of lesser metal and get lost for weeks inside attics, basements, old Frigidaires.
FUNNY PET STORIES
Preacher owners have been busy on the Internet, regaling one another with astonishing feats. Rev. Ferd, former head of the Nebraska chapter of the Church of the Latter Day Bigots, was stolen by Radical Faeries and crowned Queen of the May at a Wee Folke orgy, where it acquired the clap. The Faeries later sentenced Ferd to life in prison for lynching a troll who 'made sexual advances'.
DISPOSAL
Ridiculous urban legends abound of queers who, tired of their tiny preachers, flushed their pets down their toilets, only to have them grow into gigantic reptiles, return through the plumbing, and bite off their owners' genitalia. Ha ha ha!
These stories are absolutely true. If your pet has lost its appeal, please do not flush it down your commode. Neither should you give it to live bait shops, as this could introduce harmful toxins into our lakes and streams. The most ecological thing to do is to return your preacher to our laboratories, where we will convert it to fundamentalist Islam, dress it in bin Laden attire, and donate it to deserving secular Muslim queers.
© Susie Day, 2005
