A friend phoned me in tears last night and told me that her heart had been broken by a straight woman. This friend (let's call her Idiot) was shocked—shocked!—to learn that the straight woman no longer wanted to sleep with her.
Idiot and the straight woman are coworkers. They fell in love slowly over a few dozen cocktails at an office party. This led to the obligatory make-out session in the Xerox room, and a sloppy romp at the straight woman's tasteful co-op.
The next morning, Idiot scrawled a poem on a scrap of paper about the absurdity of their love and placed it on the straight woman's desk. Idiot watched from across the office as the straight woman casually munched on an apple while reading the tortured verse. The woman quickly stuffed the poem under a stack of papers when a cute guy from a neighboring desk stopped by to flirt.
'She told me that she just wants to be friends,' sobbed Idiot. After a series of hysterical hiccups, she asked, 'What am I going to do?'
'That's easy,' I answered. 'Stop sleeping with straight women, Idiot.'
I have learned two important lessons during my career as a lesbian. The first lesson is to never make your lover choose between you and her cat. The cat will always win. And, secondly, don't ever get involved with straight women.
Here's a little secret about straight woman that many lesbians don't know: They like to sleep with men. Let me repeat that: Straight women like to sleep with men.
Although they prefer sleeping with men, straight women will sleep with lesbians for any number of reasons. The most common reason is that they're drunk. Others do it to irritate their parents or to fulfill some distant boarding school fantasy. It really doesn't matter what their motivation is, the result is always the same. A straight woman will sleep with you once, twice, maybe even for a couple years (Anne Heche!). Then she will leave you for a man and become involved in the PTA or some other suburban cult. There are no exceptions to this rule.
Knowing this, you may be asking yourself why would any lesbian get involved with a straight woman? After all, by doing so she is setting herself up for certain rejection.
The sad truth is that despite their shortcomings (e.g. they don't want to sleep with you), straight women have their charms. They have complicated hairdos, they're gifted at small talk, and they know an awful lot about hats. And, best of all, if you crave rejection (as so many of us do), romantic rejection by a straight woman is much easier to accept than rejection by another lesbian.
When a lesbian dumps you it's because she doesn't like you as a person. Sure, she may couch the rejection in such a way to make it seem less than personal. For example, she may tell you that she can't see you anymore because it's too difficult to find a parking spot near your home. But what she's really saying is that she thinks you're a jerk.
When a straight woman rejects you it's simply because you're not a man. And I suppose we've all been accused of worse things than that.