Personally, I find resolutions heartbreaking. Every year we shoot for the stars but mostly end up in the gutter the following week for overstepping our bounds. I tend to shoot low (learn how to make a pie, sit through a Devendra Banhart CD) and always feel better about myself after. As for celebrity resolutions, we've seen them ad nauseam through hundreds of press interviews over the past few weeks, and none of them show effort or humor. So, as with years previous, I'm making a few for you, rockstars. You're welcome.
Taylor Swift should resolve to take a year off of men/boys. It's not working for you. Take a moment and be an artist, be a kid, but drop the men. Write an album about things other than boys being bad for you. Or don't write anything at all and go find yourself or go to college. Give us all one year off.
Jessie J should resolve to find her own sound. If you're going to mimic another singer, let it at least be someone more interesting than Katy Perry. At least imitating BjÃrk or Florence gives you room to move. Ripping off Katy's sound is like making your own Twinkies. Too much effort for something already cheap and tasteless.
LLCool J, Ice Cube, Will Smith and Ice T should all resolve to get back into the studio before you turn into Tim Allen. 20 years ago you all had some sort of cred. Now you're all doing hour-long procedurals or popcorn flicks. I know you'll make a fraction of the money but toss your original fans a bone now and again, and we won't call it a comeback. We promise.
Clive Davis should resolve to getting into Whitney's vaults and dig it up (her music, not her). The only ray of light we have when we lose a celebrity is the wealth of reissues and unreleased material. In a year, all you've done is give us two bonus cuts on a fourth greatest hits collection, and neither was worth the price. We know there's more, Clive, and we know you love to make money.
Robyn, new album, stat.
Madonna, a GOOD album, stat.
Rihanna … never mind, you won't listen. Keep dating Valdemort.
Adele, you're doing great. No resolutions there. You had the best-selling album two years in a row, a nice man, and a beautiful baby for which you're taking time off. You're living the dream!
As for you, reader: Keep reading, keep listening, keep discovering new music and go see a show, as always. I'll see you there.
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