The New York Times recently announced that it will begin printing accounts of same-sex unions and commitment ceremonies in its Sunday Style section. "Goody!" I hear you say? "Queer people and relationships will at last be embraced as part of the Zeitgeist"? Yeah, right ...
... In a simple, non-denominational ceremony beside a rose trellis in their back yard, Gloria Weinstock, a social worker, and Patricia Hanrahan, a pediatric nurse, pledged lifelong devotion to one another yesterday over the boos and catcalls of their parents, Mr. and Mrs. Herschel Weinstock of Washington Heights and Mr. and Mrs. Joseph P. Hanrahan of Red Hook.
"This is a shanda! I am dying of shame, here...of shame, I am dying."
"Is this what you want, Gloria? To break your mother's heart? A doctor you were brought up to marry, not a nurse!"
"Sure an' ye must listen to the wee Jewish people, Patsy, they know! Ah, Jesus Mary and Joseph, please don't let this get into The New York Times..."
The couple met eight years ago at a women's music festival in Michigan, and describe their attraction as instantaneous, based on a mutual love of the acoustic guitar and strikingly similar psychological wounds that occurred in their culturally divergent childhoods. They live together in Brooklyn with two cats and a large selection of herbal teas, and spend their spare time trying to stop their parents from having PFLAG and the Human Rights Campaign designated "terrorist" groups. The women plan to honeymoon at an undisclosed location, in deep therapy.
... Montague Chiggerbottom, son of Senator Derrick and Evangeline Wentworth Chiggerbottom of Greenwich, Conn., exchanged wedding vows today with Belvedere Throgmornton, III, son of Belvedere and Millicent Throgmornton of Southampton. The ceremony took place at a midtown branch of the Church of Christ the Investor. The groom and groom, both 27, graduated with MBA's from Yale University, where they were introduced by their parents. Both men claim that they did not like each other at first, especially when their parents told them they had to get married. Mr. Throgmornton was especially sulky.
"I said to Mumsy: I don't want to marry that man, Mumsy, he's icky. But Mumsy was adamant. 'Our family needs a certain amount of homosexual cachet,' she said, 'if you want your Mater to remain on the board of the Museum of Modern Art. Don't look so glum, darling. It's not as if you had to marry that horrid little show-off, Andrew Sullivan.'"
Inspired that he, in fact, did not have to marry Andrew Sullivan, Mr. Throgmornton decided to give this relationship "a go." Mr. Throgmornton's and Mr. Chiggerbottom's love has subsequently grown apace, as each continues to realize the tremendous clout that a gay conservative "power couple" can wield in today's political world.
"We've decided that I'll write a syndicated column trouncing women's and minority rights, while Monty will run for Congress on the anti-Arab ticket. Isn't love yummy?"
Mr. Chiggerbottom concurs. "Our youthful, media-driven charisma will win us beaucoup props from hide-bound Republicans for allowing them to appear tolerant. Meanwhile, we'll be pointing out al-Quaeda leanings among the gay liberal elite."
Both men share a love of country hayrides, Edith Piaf records, and white supremacy.
... Veteran folk singer Nearly Holly and pomo-folk songstress Franki diFrencho were united today in a commitment ceremony on a sound stage in Central Park, while hundreds of New Yorkers threw frisbees, cooked hot dogs, and paid little attention. The women, having built their early singing careers largely from lesbian audiences, have been in committed relationships with heterosexual men for years. They met when they attended a "Brush Up Your Marriage" retreat in the Poconos with their male significant others. Ms. Holly recalls the occasion.
"After the final workshop, our honies went out to start the cars. Franki and I were left alone in front of a romantic, crackling fireplace, to gaze into each other's eyes and get back in touch with some really old feelings. Then I asked a question neither of us had dared voice until that moment: 'How do we boost our recording sales in the lesbian community, now that we've found true happiness with the men of our dreams?'"
Ms. diFrencho recollects differently. "No way, babe. You talked about how fucked up lesbians are cause they only want to see lesbian performers, and what insular, twisted relationships they have, and how you were never like that when you were with women. I was the one who brought up the promotion crap."
In any case, the pair decided that an open-air commitment ceremony was in order. During the ceremony, the women read aloud from their contract, accompanying themselves on their guitars: "We, the undersigned ( herein defined as "women-loving-women-loving-men-loving-women-loving-us" ) , agree to respect and honor one another as we embark on this shared journey that we call Life, for a total of not less than 18 concerts, 4 television appearances, 9 radio talk shows, and 2 compact disc recordings with an option to renew..." The women then sang a revised version of the folk classic, "Where Have All the Lesbians Gone?"
The couple have decided not only to keep their original names, but also their original male partners. "Our guys are totally cool with this," remarked diFrencho at the reception. "After all, this is a commitment ceremony. It's not like we were getting legally married or something."
Ms. Holly and Ms. diFrencho have invited the public to attend their honeymoon in Woodstock, where they will appear nightly at the Magenta Moon Cafe, tickets $10-65.
