A funny thing happens to me during long trips abroad. I start out kinda like an ambassador—a latter-day Shirley Temple Black! I'm on my best behavior and try not to make waves. Eventually, I become more comfortable speaking up and being a bit more like myself. After that, the gloves are off and I turn into an ugly American.

I cannot fathom why people are so incompetent. One of the last hotels on my trip asked me to streamline the check-in process by uploading my passport and filling in my personal data in advance. Great idea. Once I got to the hotel, they asked for my passport and handed me a form to fill out. I said there was no need for that—I'd already done it online. The woman flashed a blithely enigmatic smile and said, "We still need it here." "Then why the fuck did you waste my time?" God bless America!

Let's turn to a domestic TV host, Kelly Ripa. Actually, we're turning to her sexy hubby, Mark Consuelos.

Recently, Mark went to work out with his Italian soccer team. Let me stop right there, because I know what you're thinking. Yes, Mark and Kelly are co-owners of an Italian soccer team. Strike that—two Italian soccer teams! Campobasso 1919 and Ascoli FC. I know all about these teams because...well, I slept with a lot of athletes in Italy.

Mark was working out with one of his two soccer teams and got injured. I believe the explanation was that someone pulled his groin—but my Italian is rusty. While he was being inspected by the doctor (at least they said he was a doctor), Mark's crotchal area had to be digitally scrambled because when an Italian soccer player pulls your groin, it shows—regardless of how straight you are! A more recent headline said, "Mark Consuelos strips down to a wrestling singlet to get pummeled by a college jock." Where do I sign up to see that, you may ask? Happily, the footage of Consuelos opposing "the most dominant wrestler in college" does not disappoint—and you can see it on BillyMasters.com.

Congrats to Luke Macfarlane who just had his first child with partner Hig Roberts. Who knew Luke had a partner? Hands? Or that his name is Hig? And, trust me—spellcheck still doesn't believe I've got that right. Luke posted this on Instagram: "Tess Eleanor Macfarlane—Born June 4th, 2023. We started life with some hectic days and received world class care. On Father's Day we got to take her home. Her Dads can't wait to introduce her to all the remarkable people and the beautiful world we live in." I'm not complaining, but I always find it amusing when a hot guy takes off his shirt for a photo with his newborn—as you'll see on BillyMasters.com.

In lieu of an "Ask Billy" question, we want to congratulate Mark MacKillop, a frequent contributor to "Billy Masters LIVE." The talented hoofer (not from Broadway...yet) has made history as the highest fundraiser for "Broadway Bares" for the SIXTH year in a row. This year, he set the lofty goal of wanting to break $100K, and raised over $120K!! This means that, to date, he has single-handedly brought in more than $392,168 for the fight against AIDS. All I did was sleep with a few hundred guys—and nobody gave me a cent (well, there was that one guy who gave me a pencil after I patted his dog). Congrats, Mark!When we're applauding bare bottoms, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I'm happy to say that I'm back in the USA—well, at least I will be by the time you read this. I'll be making up for lost time in Provincetown over July 4th.

While I'm entertaining the masses in small, tasteful groups, you can check out Article Link Here —the site that'll provide more than a few fireworks. If you have a question for me, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I hop on the Good Ship Lollipop! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.