... OK. I'm really mad. I wanted to be the first person to say 'fuck' on national prime-time television. Instead, that honor has gone to Michael Jackson! Yes, it's true. OK, maybe he didn't actually say 'fuck,' but he did spell it, and I don't know anyone that would lose if that word came up in a spelling bee. It happened during that Michael Jackson thing that 20/20 did a short time ago. I just had to see how far the media would go to make fun of this poor guy right in front of his, uh, face(!). From now on, every time I refer to Michael Jackson's Face(!), I'll do this: (!).
Well, the media went pretty far. It must be hard, being Michael Jackson, and knowing that cameras are coming. Cameras with big lights on them are coming to your fucking house. Again. Why, Michael himself said: ... 'I never look at my face in the mirror.' If I were you, I wouldn't want to look either, Mike.
C'mon, the guy has got to be one of two things. He's either really, really mad, or terrified. And if he's terrified, that has got to make him really mad. Would you not be as well? His face(!) was clearly fucked up! Jackson must be like, I had a nose, somewhere on my face was a nose, I know it. Where'd it go? Who took my nose? Somebody better find my fucking nose real fast or somebody's gettin' fired! Can you even imagine? There you are, laying in some hospital bed, and they come in and take the bandages off and THAT is what you see?? I'd be pissed, too! His damn kids don't wear shrouds so the public can't see them. They wear those things so that they can't see Daddy.
Another scary thing from that show was that they ever-so-briefly showed a computer-altered photo of what Michael would look like now, at 44, having had no surgery at all. That was worse! I don't blame the old girl for trying, but clearly, too many things went wrong for far too long. One plastic surgeon said that Jackson's face(!) was beyond repair. This, mind you, is the same fellow who wants us to believe that he's only gone under the knife twice! That he can remember!! What drugs are they giving him so he doesn't notice what he really looks like? Huh? They must be some powerful fucking drugs.
I think Mike should also be the new spokesperson for N.A.M.B.L.A. He looked right into the camera and said there is nothing wrong with a 44-year-old and a 14-year-old sleeping in the same bed, with the 14-year-old sitting right there. You could hear the shock in the interviewer's voice when Mike dropped that one. I mean, I like 'em young but not that young. Of course, the parents approve. Can you imagine the pay-off? I'd encourage my 14-year-old son to sleep with Michael too, for that kind of money!
And, whose idea was it to run a commercial featuring Little Richard during the Jackson Special? Have Black rock stars always looked like that? I think you and I both know the answer to that question.
A very special 'hello' and thank you to local artist Steven August Papa, who sent me a letter about my column regarding the homophobic bar ad in the Reader, on stationary from a plantation in South Carolina! I can't even think about it without laughing. Luv ya, Steven!
... let me know how you're doin' at firstname.lastname@example.org .