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pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz

This article shared 2038 times since Wed Jun 11, 2008
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The first Pretzel Logic column,

all about that year's IML,

appeared in the July 12, 2002

issue of Nightspots. With the

sixth-year anniversary fast approaching,

here's a look back at

some items from past columns.

Niftiest New Item At The

Leather Mart

Leather Pride Christmas ornaments.

Just remember, they are

NOT to be used as anal beads.

Surf's Up

Gay men who get online as a

means to meet other men for

sex are 'slurping the Internet.'

That's 'Mister Sissy' To You,


While my friend and I were at

the Fort Worth Botanic Garden,

we were leaving one area when

a girl who was probably about

five years old and walking

right behind me suddenly said

out loud to her younger sister

'Sissy, this way.'

This Item Had No Headline As

It Was Part Of A Pre-Pretzel

Logic E-Mail I Wrote, Which

Ended Up Getting Me This


And speaking of [ country

singer ] Chris [ Cagle ] , I want to

write to the producers of the TV

show Fear Factor and tell them

that my biggest fear is being in

a three-way with Chris Cagle

and Brad Paisley. Think it will


Weapons Of Mass Delusion?

Running out of places to look,

fewer and fewer U.S. troops

are being deployed to look for

Saddam Hussein's ever-elusive

weapons of mass destruction.

If Bush can't find any, will he

have to give Iraq back?

Chew On This

Do lesbians in the Land of Oz

engage in carpet Munchkin?

He Wanted To Get Plowed

Last year during rodeo week I

saw a guy at Charlie's with a

John Deere hankie in his back

right pocket.

Go Cart

It might seem odd that the

gigantic shopping cart used by

Jewel Foods is always one of

the more popular entries in the

[ Gay Pride ] parade. But remember,

it's loud, it's shiny and it's

noisy. In other words, it's kind of

like a drag queen, but you don't

have to listen to it bitch.

Not That Any Of These Would

Apply To Me

Here is a slightly modified

version of a list I wrote

several years ago that features

a baker's dozen ( 'booter's

dozen'? ) of some signs to

watch for to see if you have a

cowboy boot fetish:

1. On the street you'll follow a

guy in cowboy boots for blocks

to check him out and not have

the slightest idea what he looks

like above the knees.

2. On the rare occasions that

you do wear regular shoes

and not cowboy boots, all your

friends assume you have been

taken over by space aliens.

3. You can hardly say the 'B'

word in polite conversation

because of its sexual connotations.

4. You watch Western movies

just to see the all the cowboy


5. When you pass a store window

or a full-length mirror, you

always check out the reflection

of your cowboy boots.

6. You think the faces on Mount

Rushmore are Tony Lama, Dan

Post, Sam Lucchese and Larry


7. All of the salespeople at your

favorite boot store not only

know you by name, they spend

all major holidays with you.

8. When you tell your friends

that you are dating a new man

the first question they all ask

you is, 'OK, so what type of

boots does he wear?'

9. Your fantasy is to work ( and

have sex ) in a store that sells


10. You know that for Christmas

and your birthday you will be

receiving a flood of cowboy

boot-themed gifts from all your


11. You've ever cum on your

own cowboy boots.

12. You've ever cum on someone

else's cowboy boots.

13.You've ever cum on your

own cowboy boots while

someone else is wearing them

( and you're wearing his, and

he's cumming on them ) .

How Do Those Silly Rumors

Start, Anyway?

The Friday after we started

dating Steve and I were at

Charlie's and the change in

our relationship was getting

obvious. Our friend Lorenzo

asked Steve if he and I were a

couple, and Steve replied yes.

Lorenzo then said 'I hope you

like boots.'

'Not Me, Apparently'

When I mentioned to one of my

friends that Steve and I were no

longer dating, he asked 'Well,

what's up his butt?'

If you recall any items from my

column that you particularly

liked, e-mail me at Pretzel- and let

me know. If I get enough usable

responses I'll put together a

reader-based 'best of' Pretzel

Logic column in July.

This article shared 2038 times since Wed Jun 11, 2008
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