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pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz

This article shared 2370 times since Wed May 14, 2008
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This week I have come to write

a column about, well … cum.

The quotes below are from

various Web sites that featured

information about that gay liquid

gold: semen.

For Quite A Few Gay Guys This

Is A Very Real And Present

Potential Cause For Obesity

'Ejaculate does not have a

significant amount of calories.

You'd have to ingest 400 loads

to equal the calorie content of a

'death by chocolate' dessert.'

OK, This One Is Probably NOT

A Concern For Most Gay Guys

'If they [ sperm cells ] are not

ejaculated, those poor little

sperms are broken down and

reabsorbed by the body.'

It Sounds Almost Like A One-ADay


'Semen itself has high concentrations

of potassium, zinc,

citric acid, fructose, phosphorylcholine,

spermine, free amino

acids, prostaglandins and

enzymes, which nourish and

protect the sperm.'

Thus Explaining The Popularity

Of Gay Swim Clubs

'Often, semen has an odor that

resembles chlorine.'

Baby, I Just Love The Chemistry

Between Us

One Web site I found featured

this list of ingredients found in

human semen [ my comments

are in brackets ] :

• ascorbic acid ( vitamin C )

• blood-group antigens

• calcium ( yes, just like milk! )

[ Milk mustache anyone? ]

• chlorine ( add your own little

contribution to cleanliness! )

[ See the column item preceding

this one ]

• cholesterol ( Is this the

'bad cholesterol' or 'good

cholesterol'? ) [ It's the 'hot'

cholesterol! ]

• citric acid, creatine, deoxyribonucleic

acid, fructose,

glutathione, hyaluronidase,

inositol, lactic acid, magnesium,

nitrogen, phosphorus and

potassium ( what do you know,

these are good for fertilization

too! )

• prostaglandins ( fatty acids

that, while not a hormone, perform

hormone-like functions )

• purine, pyrimidine, pyruvic

acid, sodium ( good to have,

especially if you've been sweating

a lot )

• sorbitol, spermidine, spermine

vitamin B12 and zinc ( you

would think it's a multivitamin )

[ Hey, those bitches stole my

vitamin joke! ]

You Don't Suppose … ?

Speaking of 'sorbitol,' a

Google search of that word

came up with this article as the

second search result: 'How

Sorbitol Causes Irritable Bowel


Better Them Than Me

'When inside a woman's body,

a sperm can live up to 5 days.'

In Case You Hook Up With An


'The average ejaculate measures

around a half-teaspoon,

though it may reach a little over

a teaspoon.'

In Case You Hook Up With A


'The average man produces

about 3.5 mL [ sic ] of semen per


Quality Time

'Most men have erections

every hour to hour and a half

during sleep.'

Fact Or Fiction?

I found one Web site that not

only featured a 'Sperm Fun

Facts' video, but also a counter

purportedly showing the

number of users watching the

movie 'right now,' the movie's

user rating on a ten-point

scale, the time in minutes and

seconds, and the number of

times the movie has been

viewed. But I noticed that hitting

the refresh button would cause

those numbers to change so

drastically from one fraction of

a second to the next that it was

clear they were using a random

number generator instead of

actual user data.

No, I Didn't Find This Info At

'The average age a man starts

producing sperm is 12 ½.'

Does Not Compute

One Web site claimed,

'Average number of times the

average man will ejaculate

from masterbation [ sic ] : 2,000.'

But assuming that masturbation

starts around age 13 and

that the average life span for

American males is 73, that's

60 years, give or take, of

masturbation. If the figure of

2,000 masturbation ejaculations

is correct, that averages out to

33.3333333 per year. Heck, I

exceed that … ummm, I mean

I've heard that lots of guys

exceed that every month …

even in February when it's not

a leap year.

Mastur Of His Domain?

But then again, what do you expect

from a web site that spells

the word 'masterbation'?

If you ejaculate more than

33.3333333 times per day, you can

e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@ to tell me all about it,

provided you have the strength.

This article shared 2370 times since Wed May 14, 2008
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