This week I have come to write
a column about, well … cum.
The quotes below are from
various Web sites that featured
information about that gay liquid
gold: semen.
For Quite A Few Gay Guys This
Is A Very Real And Present
Potential Cause For Obesity
'Ejaculate does not have a
significant amount of calories.
You'd have to ingest 400 loads
to equal the calorie content of a
'death by chocolate' dessert.'
OK, This One Is Probably NOT
A Concern For Most Gay Guys
'If they [ sperm cells ] are not
ejaculated, those poor little
sperms are broken down and
reabsorbed by the body.'
It Sounds Almost Like A One-ADay
Vitamin
'Semen itself has high concentrations
of potassium, zinc,
citric acid, fructose, phosphorylcholine,
spermine, free amino
acids, prostaglandins and
enzymes, which nourish and
protect the sperm.'
Thus Explaining The Popularity
Of Gay Swim Clubs
'Often, semen has an odor that
resembles chlorine.'
Baby, I Just Love The Chemistry
Between Us
One Web site I found featured
this list of ingredients found in
human semen [ my comments
are in brackets ] :
• ascorbic acid ( vitamin C )
• blood-group antigens
• calcium ( yes, just like milk! )
[ Milk mustache anyone? ]
• chlorine ( add your own little
contribution to cleanliness! )
[ See the column item preceding
this one ]
• cholesterol ( Is this the
'bad cholesterol' or 'good
cholesterol'? ) [ It's the 'hot'
cholesterol! ]
• citric acid, creatine, deoxyribonucleic
acid, fructose,
glutathione, hyaluronidase,
inositol, lactic acid, magnesium,
nitrogen, phosphorus and
potassium ( what do you know,
these are good for fertilization
too! )
• prostaglandins ( fatty acids
that, while not a hormone, perform
hormone-like functions )
• purine, pyrimidine, pyruvic
acid, sodium ( good to have,
especially if you've been sweating
a lot )
• sorbitol, spermidine, spermine
vitamin B12 and zinc ( you
would think it's a multivitamin )
[ Hey, those bitches stole my
vitamin joke! ]
You Don't Suppose … ?
Speaking of 'sorbitol,' a
Google search of that word
came up with this article as the
second search result: 'How
Sorbitol Causes Irritable Bowel
Syndrome.'
Better Them Than Me
'When inside a woman's body,
a sperm can live up to 5 days.'
In Case You Hook Up With An
American
'The average ejaculate measures
around a half-teaspoon,
though it may reach a little over
a teaspoon.'
In Case You Hook Up With A
European
'The average man produces
about 3.5 mL [ sic ] of semen per
ejaculation.'
Quality Time
'Most men have erections
every hour to hour and a half
during sleep.'
Fact Or Fiction?
I found one Web site that not
only featured a 'Sperm Fun
Facts' video, but also a counter
purportedly showing the
number of users watching the
movie 'right now,' the movie's
user rating on a ten-point
scale, the time in minutes and
seconds, and the number of
times the movie has been
viewed. But I noticed that hitting
the refresh button would cause
those numbers to change so
drastically from one fraction of
a second to the next that it was
clear they were using a random
number generator instead of
actual user data.
No, I Didn't Find This Info At
MichaelJackson.com
'The average age a man starts
producing sperm is 12 ½.'
Does Not Compute
One Web site claimed,
'Average number of times the
average man will ejaculate
from masterbation [ sic ] : 2,000.'
But assuming that masturbation
starts around age 13 and
that the average life span for
American males is 73, that's
60 years, give or take, of
masturbation. If the figure of
2,000 masturbation ejaculations
is correct, that averages out to
33.3333333 per year. Heck, I
exceed that … ummm, I mean
I've heard that lots of guys
exceed that every month …
even in February when it's not
a leap year.
Mastur Of His Domain?
But then again, what do you expect
from a web site that spells
the word 'masterbation'?
If you ejaculate more than
33.3333333 times per day, you can
e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@
aol.com to tell me all about it,
provided you have the strength.
