It's been a long time since I've dedicated an entire column to the 'naughty bits,' so here's a bit of sex ed, Pretzel Logic style.
You're Once, Twice, Three Times An Erection
According to one Web site I found, there are three varieties of erections: 'Reflexogenic occur from actual contact, psychogenic ones result from fantasy or audiovisual stimulation, and nocturnal erections take place ( duh ) at night.' And then there are the erections Larry Craig gets picking up pieces of toilet paper in men's lavatories in airports.
It's Much Better Than Having Helmet-Hair
While describing the penis, the same Web site stated 'the top is the nerve-packed, helmet-shaped head called the glans.'
No Wonder That's My Favorite Brand Of Beer
'The thick, rounded rim of the glans is the corona.'
Mmmmm, Spongecock With Creamy Filling
'Moving down, the bulk of the shaft [ Pretzel Logic Note: and who doesn't like moving down the shaft? ] is made up of corpora cavernosa, two columns of spongy tissue that fill with blood to produce an erection. Similar tissue composes the corpus spongiosum, which surrounds the urethra, aka: the handy hose that transports urine and sperm from their respective sources to the opening at the tip of the head.'
Frenulum Fun
From Wikipedia: 'A frenulum ...is a small fold of tissue that secures or restricts the motion of a mobile organ in the body.' For women ( and I really HAVE to trust Wikipedia on this one ) the genital frenula consist of '...the frenulum clitoridis of the clitoris and the frenulum labiorum pudendi ( aka: fourchette ) where the labia minora meet at the back,' whereas in men the 'frenulum of prepuce of penis' is the ' ...elastic band of tissue under the glans penis that connects to the prepuce, or foreskin to the vernal mucosa, and helps contract the prepuce over the glans.' It is generally removed when the penis is circumcised.
Friendly Frenula
There is also the various frenula of the mouth, which include 'the frenulum linguae under the tongue, the f [ renulum ] labii superioris inside the upper lip, the f [ renulum ] labii inferioris inside the lower lip, and the buccal frena which connect the cheeks to the gum. There are, of course, those occasions when the oral frenula ( whether male or female ) end up visiting the genital frenula, but oddly enough Wikipedia doesn't get into frenula-on-frenula action.
Raphe Ways
The raphe ( RAY-fee ) include the 'perineal raphe [ that ] extends from the anus, through the mid-line of the scrotum ( scrotal raphe ) and upwards through the posterior mid-line aspect of the penis ( penile raphe ) .' Oddly enough, Wikipedia again failed to mention that on occasion they can meet up with the 'lingual raphe on the tongue,' the buccal raphe which is on the cheek, and, last but not least, the 'palatine raphe on the roof ( or 'palate' ) of the mouth.'
Why Do I Suspect That Alcohol Was Involved?
A Google search result for the phrase 'scrotum fun facts': 'He managed to straddle the washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.'
You'd Have To Pay Me A Heckuva Lot More Than That!
Another Google search result for the same phrase: 'For about $5,000, you can expand as far as your scrotum will let you.'
And The Google Search Results Get More And More Surreal
Presented without further comment, because... well, what the hell could I say?: 'FUN FACTS ABOUT NORTH KOREANS. * Remember, it's the North Koreans who are the ... upward from the concave porcelain surface to barbecue his own scrotum.'
It'd Be Easier To Just Follow The Bouncing Balls
If you want to remember that the layers of the scrotum consist of the Skin, Dartos muscle, External spermatic fascia, Cremastric fascia, Internal spermatic fascia, and Testis, you can try using this mnemonic that I found online: 'Some Damned Englishman Called It Testis!'
If you know of more than three types of penile erections, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and fill me in... , wait a minute … well, you know … figuratively speaking, that is.
