Since 2007 is about to end, here's a Pretzel Logic look at 2008:
The Pretzel Logic Political New Year's Wish List
Here's what I'm hoping various politicians will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :
Dick Cheney - A heart ( figuratively and literally ) .
George Bush - A brain ( no clarification needed ) .
Hillary Clinton - The nerve ( to make even the slightest decision, such as even whether to have her coffee black or with cream and sugar, without first relying on $10,000 worth of opinion polling ) .
Barack Obama - A home ( specifically, the White House ) .
Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 1
In attempt to upgrade their image, the Ku Klux Klan will change their name to The White Man Group, but with the possible exception of right-wing Republican goof Mike Huckabee, most people will still reject them.
Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No.2
Sean Penn will be signed to play the lead role in the Drew Peterson movie we all know will be made sooner or later.
Chinese New Year
Do you think Baby New Year 2008 will be poisoned by lead paint or get stoned from ingesting Aqua Dots?
The Pretzel Logic Celebrity New Year's Wish List
Here's what I'm hoping various politicians will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :
Drew Peterson - A DVD of the movie How To Murder Your Wife ( no, on second thought there's no reason to get him that; I'm sure he knows that one by heart ) .
Rosie O'Donnell - Decaf ( do they make coffee with Valium added in? ) .
Donnie McClurkin ( the self-proclaimed 'ex-gay' gospel singer who now calls homosexuality 'abnormal' and a 'curse' ) - A door knob for the inside of your closet so you can eventually open the damn thing ( no clarification necessary ) .
Tom Cruise - A Donnie McClurkin CD ( I don't know if Scientologists listen to gospel music, but even if they don't, somehow this just seems right—allegedly ) .
Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 3
Katie Holmes will be signed to play the role of Stacy Peterson, and she will win accolades for her amazingly convincing portrayal of the much younger wife married to the strange-acting, controlling, oddball freak of an older man.
The Pretzel Logic Gubernatorial New Year's Wish List
Here's what I'm hoping one former and one current Illinois governor will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :
Federal Convict No. 16627-424 ( aka: Secretary of State Official A, aka: George Ryan ) - A copy of the book The New Joy of Gay Sex ( the less clarification the better because it's probably not an image you want haunting you for the next six or so years that he'll be in prison ) .
Public Official A ( aka: Rod Blagojevich ) - Ditto ( he's gonna need it eventually ) .
The Pretzel Logic Senatorial New Year's Wish List
Here's what I'm hoping a certain men's room trolling, conservative hypocrite Senator will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :
Larry Craig - A DVD of the movie Taxi Zum Klo ( if you're not familiar with that film check out the DVD review by Gary F. Taylor at Amaozon.com, and even if you don't do that, you can still probably make a damn good guess what the movie is about ) .
Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 4
In order to have her name better match her image, Paris Hilton will change her name to 'Paris Motel 6.'
Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 5
Linens 'n Things will try to capture more of the inner city homemakers market by opening a series of new stores in ghetto neighborhoods, calling them 'Linens 'n Shit.'
The Pretzel Logic Country Music New Year's Wish List
Here's what I'm wishing various good looking country music cuties will get in the upcoming year ( no clarifications needed )
Brad Paisley - Me.
Tracy Bird - Me.
Clint Black - Me.
Steve Wariner - Me.
Tim McGraw - Me.
Kenny Chesney - A three way with me and Tim McGraw, even though I'm guessing I'll get frozen out of the majority of the action there.
Toby Keith - All three of the Dixie Chicks, each wearing a 9' strap-on, but no lube.
If you're Brad Paisley, Tracy Bird, etc., you can e-mail me your New Year's wish list at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . If you're Larry Craig, you can email your New Year's wish list to me at information@explorehuckabee.com
