Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2023-12-13
DOWNLOAD ISSUE
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor
Sponsor

  NIGHTSPOTS

pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2007-12-26

This article shared 2491 times since Wed Dec 26, 2007
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


Since 2007 is about to end, here's a Pretzel Logic look at 2008:

The Pretzel Logic Political New Year's Wish List

Here's what I'm hoping various politicians will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :

Dick Cheney - A heart ( figuratively and literally ) .

George Bush - A brain ( no clarification needed ) .

Hillary Clinton - The nerve ( to make even the slightest decision, such as even whether to have her coffee black or with cream and sugar, without first relying on $10,000 worth of opinion polling ) .

Barack Obama - A home ( specifically, the White House ) .

Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 1

In attempt to upgrade their image, the Ku Klux Klan will change their name to The White Man Group, but with the possible exception of right-wing Republican goof Mike Huckabee, most people will still reject them.

Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No.2

Sean Penn will be signed to play the lead role in the Drew Peterson movie we all know will be made sooner or later.

Chinese New Year

Do you think Baby New Year 2008 will be poisoned by lead paint or get stoned from ingesting Aqua Dots?

The Pretzel Logic Celebrity New Year's Wish List

Here's what I'm hoping various politicians will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :

Drew Peterson - A DVD of the movie How To Murder Your Wife ( no, on second thought there's no reason to get him that; I'm sure he knows that one by heart ) .

Rosie O'Donnell - Decaf ( do they make coffee with Valium added in? ) .

Donnie McClurkin ( the self-proclaimed 'ex-gay' gospel singer who now calls homosexuality 'abnormal' and a 'curse' ) - A door knob for the inside of your closet so you can eventually open the damn thing ( no clarification necessary ) .

Tom Cruise - A Donnie McClurkin CD ( I don't know if Scientologists listen to gospel music, but even if they don't, somehow this just seems right—allegedly ) .

Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 3

Katie Holmes will be signed to play the role of Stacy Peterson, and she will win accolades for her amazingly convincing portrayal of the much younger wife married to the strange-acting, controlling, oddball freak of an older man.

The Pretzel Logic Gubernatorial New Year's Wish List

Here's what I'm hoping one former and one current Illinois governor will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :

Federal Convict No. 16627-424 ( aka: Secretary of State Official A, aka: George Ryan ) - A copy of the book The New Joy of Gay Sex ( the less clarification the better because it's probably not an image you want haunting you for the next six or so years that he'll be in prison ) .

Public Official A ( aka: Rod Blagojevich ) - Ditto ( he's gonna need it eventually ) .

The Pretzel Logic Senatorial New Year's Wish List

Here's what I'm hoping a certain men's room trolling, conservative hypocrite Senator will get in the upcoming year ( with clarifications ) :

Larry Craig - A DVD of the movie Taxi Zum Klo ( if you're not familiar with that film check out the DVD review by Gary F. Taylor at Amaozon.com, and even if you don't do that, you can still probably make a damn good guess what the movie is about ) .

Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 4

In order to have her name better match her image, Paris Hilton will change her name to 'Paris Motel 6.'

Pretzel Logic New Year's Prediction No. 5

Linens 'n Things will try to capture more of the inner city homemakers market by opening a series of new stores in ghetto neighborhoods, calling them 'Linens 'n Shit.'

The Pretzel Logic Country Music New Year's Wish List

Here's what I'm wishing various good looking country music cuties will get in the upcoming year ( no clarifications needed )

Brad Paisley - Me.

Tracy Bird - Me.

Clint Black - Me.

Steve Wariner - Me.

Tim McGraw - Me.

Kenny Chesney - A three way with me and Tim McGraw, even though I'm guessing I'll get frozen out of the majority of the action there.

Toby Keith - All three of the Dixie Chicks, each wearing a 9' strap-on, but no lube.

If you're Brad Paisley, Tracy Bird, etc., you can e-mail me your New Year's wish list at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . If you're Larry Craig, you can email your New Year's wish list to me at information@explorehuckabee.com


This article shared 2491 times since Wed Dec 26, 2007
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

Out and Aging
Presented By

  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

Chicago Opera Theater starts 50th-anniv. season with 'Soldier Songs'
2023-09-13
Chicago Opera Theater (COT) is kicking off its 50th-anniversary season with David T. Little's Grammy-nominated Soldier Songs—described as "a haunting, heavy-metal infused theatrical cantata about the psychological impact of war." ...


Gay News

Can Chicago escape the 'urban doom loop?'
2023-09-04
Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, major U.S. cities were experiencing strong growth fueled by financial and technological sectors of the economy. COVID, however, caused a massive change in population migration and work behavior which has created ...


Gay News

SHOWBIZ Ariana DeBose, trans child model, 'Take Me Out,' 'Feud'
2022-08-20
Video below - Prime Video and Blumhouse Television announced the upcoming psychological thriller House of Spoils, starring queer Academy Award winner Ariana DeBose, per a press release. The film (directed by Bridget Savage Cole and Danielle Krudy from their ...


Gay News

Young LGBQ adults experience more psychological distress than older LGBQ people
2022-08-11
-- From a Williams Institute press release - A new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law finds younger LGBQ adults are physically healthier but have worse psychological distress than older LGBQ people. Researchers examined a representative sample of LGBQ people ...


Gay News

NATIONAL Okla. schools, Tenn. lawsuit, political items, Mich. library
2022-08-07
Video below - Oklahoma public schools have started requiring students from kindergarten to college to complete "biological sex affidavits" if they want to compete in school sports, in accordance with a state law that took effect earlier this year, ...


Gay News

Green Bay diocese requires pronouns, restrooms align with biological sex
2022-07-21
In Wisconsin, the Diocese of Green Bay is implementing a new gender identity policy in which people must abide to their biological sex throughout its schools, including pronouns, in bathrooms, locker rooms and athletics, NBC 26 ...


Gay News

United Methodist Church splitting over LGBTQ acceptance
2022-05-02
Theologically conservative Methodists have broken away from the United Methodist Church (UMC) over LGBTQ acceptance. According to a king5.com item, the breakaway denomination, called the Global Methodist Church, formed because ...


Gay News

News coverage of trans athletes reflects partisan biases, data show
2022-04-05
-- From a press release - WATERLOO, ONTARIO, CANADA — News coverage of transgender athletes, including the history-making NCAA Division I champion swimmer Lia Thomas, often reflected the ideological biases of news outlets, which presented readers ...


Gay News

The Lost Daughter,' 'Red Rocket' among Spirit Award winners; LGBTQ+s underrepresented
2022-03-07
The Lost Daughter, a psychological drama that is the directing debut of Maggie Gyllenhaal, was named the best feature at the 37th Film Independent Spirit Awards, Variety noted. Red Rocket's Simon Rex and Zola's Taylour Page ...


Gay News

THEATER The Black Knight
2022-03-03
Title: The Black Knight. Playwright: Angeli Primlani At: Lifeboat Productions at City Lit, 1020 W. Bryn Mawr Ave. Tickets: $38; LifeboatChicago.com. Runs through: April 2 The pre-curtain music is Wagner at his most narcotic, the chronological ...


Gay News

Hell in a Handbag Productions presents 'The Drag Seed'
2022-03-03
-- From a press release - CHICAGO (February 25, 2022) — Hell in a Handbag Productions is pleased to continue its 20th anniversary season with a revival of its popular comedy The Drag Seed, an unauthorized parody of the 1956 psychological horror-thriller ...


Gay News

Report claims gay men excel academically but lesbians don't
2022-03-01
A paper published in the American Sociological Review on Feb. 20 concludes that gay men excel academically as opposed to their straight counterparts, NBC News noted. Joel Mittleman—a University of Notre Dame sociologist and the paper's ...


Gay News

SAVOR Hannah's Bretzel
2022-02-27
It's time to get Bavarian! Hannah's Bretzel, as you may guess, specializes in pretzel (or, rather, bretzel—the German word for pretzel). (Added benefits are that the bread is organic, whole-grain and free of chemical additives. ...


Gay News

Hell in a Handbag Productions presenting 'The Drag Seed'
2022-01-24
-- From a press release - CHICAGO (January 24, 2022) Hell in a Handbag Productions is pleased to continue its 20th anniversary season with a revival of its popular comedy The Drag Seed, an unauthorized parody of the 1956 psychological horror-thriller ...


Gay News

BOOKS Author, activist Roy Wesley on his new book about his father
2021-07-12
Gay Chicago author, activist and Fermalogic, Inc. COO Roy Wesley has written a new book about his father Invisible Vision: The hidden story of Dr. Newton K. Wesley, American contact-lens pioneer. Windy City Times: What made you ...


 


Copyright © 2024 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.

All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 
 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor


 



Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.