Courtesy of a bootleg DVD I just watched, this year's holiday column is about the worst holiday special ever aired on TV.
A Star-Studded Star Wars Dud
On November 17, 1978 CBS ran The Star Wars Holiday Special starring Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, C3PO, R2D2, etc. Special guests included Art Carney, Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, Diahann Carroll, and Jefferson Starship. For some reason George Lucas reportedly tried to destroy all known copies of this mess.
Lifeless Life Day
The plot of the show centers on Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca back home to his wife ( Malla ) , son ( Lumpy ) and his father ( Itchy ) to celebrate Life Day, which is, as we all know, a holiday that the show never tries to explain, even in the slightest.
Toda La Familia Es Muy 'Mala'
With names like Malla, Lumpy and Itchy, you gotta wonder why Chewbacca was so eager to get home.
The First Thing You Realize When You See A Group Of Wookies Together
All those 'arrrgh' noises they make get really annoying really fast.
The Second Thing You Realize When You See A Group Of Wookies Together
They might be covered in fur, but they're all naked.
The Most Disturbing Moment From A Holiday Special, Ever
In one sequence, Chewbacca's father, a wizened, toothless, old geezer named Itchy, sits in some contraption. Art Carney's intergalactic shopkeeper character then places a special proton pack into the back of it, and another into a slot in the arm of the chair. Itchy lowers a helmet over his head and starts to have a vision of Diahann Carroll, dressed in some Bob Mackie seaweed outfit ( bad soft-core porn music playing in the background ) and saying: 'I know you're searching for me. Searching... searching... I'm here. My voice is for you alone. I am found in your eyes only. I exist just for you. I am in your mind as you create me. Ohhh, yes, I can feel my creation. [ giggle ] I'm getting your message, are you getting mine? [ cut to a quick shot of Itchy in the chair, helmet on, excitedly shaking his head and making 'arrgh' noises, then it's back to Ms. Carroll ] Oh, oh, we are excited aren't we? Well just relax, just relax. Now we can have a good time... can't we? I'll tell you a secret, I find you adorable. [ Itchy hits rewind to play that part back three more times. ] I do not need to ask how you experience me. You see, I am your fantasy; I am your experience, so experience me. I am your pleasure, enjoy me. This is our moment together in time. But we might turn this moment into an eternity.' Diahann then goes into some song and dance number, while the TV audience back in 1978 was presumably engaged in the biggest mass barfing in recorded history.
Nowadays That Song Would Be Performed In Chinese
One of the commercials that aired during the Star Wars Holiday Special was for the International Ladies Garment Workers Union, with the workers singing 'Look for the union label, when you are buying a coat, dress or blouse.'
You Might As Well Be Speaking Chinese To Me
Using an online English-Chinese dictionary to do a word-for-word transliteration of the above-mentioned song, I got: 'Ch_u g_i liánméng bi_oqi_n, héshí n_ shì m_i guà, fú zhu_ng, huòzh_ n_chénsh_n…'
Another commercial featured baseball player Reggie Jackson talking about the Reggie candy bar. Maybe next year we'll have Barry Bonds touting his own line of steroids.
He's A Stalk-er
In a commercial for FTD Florists, a guy dressed up as the Roman god Mercury enters a hospital room with some flowers, and it doesn't take much effort to notice that his clingy, gold lame outfit reveals his 'peony.'
Just Shy Of His 22nd Birthday And Visiting Maryland, Our Governor Finds Inspiration
Rod Blagojevich must have seen this special, because one commercial break features a newscaster from WMAR-TV, Baltimore, who has the same hairstyle Roddy is still wearing to this very day.
Life Day's Little Irony
At the end of the show the once-naked Wookies are now in choir robes and holding glowing spheres, Princess Leia sings a really bad song, and you've wasted two precious hours of your life.
If you celebrate Life Day, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me about it. If you are George Lucas looking for that bootleg DVD to destroy, sorry, but an ion storm has messed up my e-mail service from your coordinates.