his week's column is a Pretzel Logic look at Republican fundraising techniques.
Oklahoma Thinks I'm OK
I recently received this answering machine message: 'Hi. This message is for Mr. David... Mag-zriz. My name is Tia Jackson with Congressman Tom Cole [ R-Oklahoma ] and the National Republican Congressional Committee [ 'RNCC' ] in Washington. I want to recognize you with our highest honor, the Congressional Order of Merit. I need to speak to you about this as soon as possible. Again, my name is Tia Jackson and my number is 1-888-383-4164. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Thank you and have a good day.'
Sometimes Being A Bitter, Sarcastic, Jaded Gay Guy Really Helps
I immediately figured the message was crapola, so naturally I called 888-383-4164 right away.
But Would They Respond To Any Bitter, Sarcastic, Jaded Comments I Might Have?
When I called 888-383-4164 some perky woman answered. I gave her my name and explained the message I received, and she replied that they had my award right there, but first I needed to listen to a recorded message from Congressman Cole, and that Ms. Perky Republican would be back after that to answer any questions I might have.
…What The Hell Sort Of Business Might THAT Be?
The taped message from Wretch… I mean 'Rep.' Cole started off with him saying how the RNCC appreciated my contributions as a small business owner, and my first thought was…
Maybe Rep. Tom Cole Really Likes My Jokes About Little Jim's
Not only do I NOT own a small business, but I just couldn't quite imagine the Republican Party wanting to honor me for writing this column either.
Give Me An Award For Resisting The Temptation To Hang Up The Phone
Rep. Cole went on about how Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats think that I, as a small business owner, must be rich, that they want to take away my hard-earned money away by raising taxes, that we have to stop them from taking the White House, that Rep. Cole wanted me to join some advisory committee, and so on with other similar drivel.
Junk Mail - Junk Phone Call
As I listened to the BS from TC, I realized that the RNCC got my name off the same junk mail list that business supply companies have been using to send me letters as the 'owner' of a particular business that in fact I do not own.
Rep. Tom Cole ( R., OK ) , Leather Fetishist?
That business is Bex Leathers, and as their attorney ( seriously, I'm a lawyer ) I filed the company's incorporation papers with the State, and act as their registered agent. However, isn't it heartwarming to think that perhaps Rep. Tom Cole and the RNCC want to honor a business that makes leather chaps, vests, jeans, breeches, and other leather fetish articles?
When the Perky Republicanette got back on the line she asked if I heard the entire message. I said yes, but that as a Democrat I liked the idea of a Democrat being elected president, and that as for raising taxes, what did she expect when the president foolishly cuts taxes in time of war, and a stupid war at that. As I was still saying all this, she started reciting some disclaimer about how she is not with any congressman's staff, and just before she hung up on me I started asking 'Do I Still Get My Award? Do I Still Get My Award?'
500 Reasons Not To Get A Congressional Order Of Merit
A Google search revealed that the 'award' I was offered could've been mine if I paid $500 to join that advisory committee Rep. Cole mentioned.
The Congressional Order Of Bullshit
As one blogger stated about the Congressional Order of Merit phone call he received: 'Is it just me or does anyone else think it smacks of fraud to call something 'Congressional' which isn't?'
The Congressional Pretzel Of Merit
'Hi. This message is for you. My name is David Magdziarz with Pretzel Logic and Nightspots in Chicago. I want to recognize you with our highest honor, the Congressional Pretzel of Merit. Please send me $500 and I'll send you a worthless 'award' that's really just part of a misleading fundraising scam. I need your money as soon as possible. Again, my name is David Magdziarz, and apparently I think you're a mouth-breathing moron. Thank you and have a good day.'
To get your Congressional Pretzel of Merit, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . To thank Rep. Cole for recognizing small business owners, visit www.cole.house.gov