It's Halloween time once again, which means that all over the city gay guys will be dressing up in outlandish attire, acting bizarre, taking treats from strangers... in other words, they'll be acting pretty much as they do the rest of the year. But regardless of that, here's a Pretzel Logic look at movie monsters and monster movies.
If Dracula Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
He'd work at The Howard Brown Health Center as an LPN taking blood samples from patients, and hang out at the forest preserves ( he's into a lot of sucking ) .
If The Phantom Of The Opera Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
He'd hang out at Sidetrack and volunteer with the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus.
Bottoms Up
In the 1939 version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, when Quasimodo is crowned King of Fools during a festival, the crowd 'salutes' him by turning their backs to him, bending over and pointing their asses at him.
Speaking Of Quasimodo, If He Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
Being Catholic, he'd be a member of Dignity/Chicago, but being Quasimodo, he'd also be a regular at Little Jim's.
Beyond Little Jim's
Imagine what he'd look like if Quasimodo was Trulymodo.
Would That Make Him A Kamiquaze?
The Hunchback's name sounds more Japanese than French to me.
If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies And Gave Them A Gay Twist…
The Bride Of Frankenstein would become The Life-Partner of Frankenstein.
If The Frankenstein Monster Were Gay And Living In Chicago...
Since he dresses in black, wears big, heavy black boots, gets strapped to tables and flogged with a whip, the Monster would volunteer at the Leather Archives & Museum, and hang out at the Chicago Eagle.
The Wolf Diva
The Wolf Man is a high-maintenance drama queen who spends most of his time whining about how terrible his life is.
If The Wolf Man Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
He'd be a Log Cabin Republican ( see above ) , and hang out at Touché on bear night, even though he'd probably be considered more of an otter since he isn't all that heavy.
A Stupid Halloween Joke I Just Thought Of
Which movie monster does PETA hate the most? The Wolf Man, because they don't want anyone to werewolf.
If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies with A Gay Twist…
Dracula would become Dragula.
Everyone Saw Through His Plans For World Domination
In The Invisible Man, as Claude Rains' character gets increasingly irrational and goes on and on about how he will rule the world because of his invisibility, it's hard to take him too seriously because in the scenes where he's completely unseen he's not only invisible, but also completely naked.
It Would Be Hard To Follow Those Bouncing Balls
In Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man, when the invisi-guy first becomes transparent and takes his clothes off, we discover that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
If The Invisible Man Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
Given his fondness for walking around naked, he'd hang out at Man's Country and Steamworks.
If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies And Gave Them A Gay Twist…
The Creature From The Black Lagoon would become The Troll From Hollywood Beach.
If The Creature From The Black Lagoon Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
He'd be a member of the Smelts, and hang out at the aforementioned Hollywood Beach.
If The Golem Were Gay And Living In Chicago…
He'd be a member of Congregation Or Chadash, and ( given that I often find Jewish guys very attractive ) I'd probably think he was hot.
If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies And Gave Them A Gay Twist…
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari would become The Cabaret of Dr. Caligari.
If you're a SWJGM who knows who the Golem is, are in your late 30s to early 50s, and look even remotely like Jake Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, or even Steve Gutenberg ( but NOT like Sacha Baron Cohen, Jerry Springer, or Marty Feldman ) , e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com .
