Windy City Media Group Frontpage News


home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2023-12-13



pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz

This article shared 1947 times since Wed Oct 24, 2007
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

It's Halloween time once again, which means that all over the city gay guys will be dressing up in outlandish attire, acting bizarre, taking treats from strangers... in other words, they'll be acting pretty much as they do the rest of the year. But regardless of that, here's a Pretzel Logic look at movie monsters and monster movies.

If Dracula Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

He'd work at The Howard Brown Health Center as an LPN taking blood samples from patients, and hang out at the forest preserves ( he's into a lot of sucking ) .

If The Phantom Of The Opera Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

He'd hang out at Sidetrack and volunteer with the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus.

Bottoms Up

In the 1939 version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, when Quasimodo is crowned King of Fools during a festival, the crowd 'salutes' him by turning their backs to him, bending over and pointing their asses at him.

Speaking Of Quasimodo, If He Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

Being Catholic, he'd be a member of Dignity/Chicago, but being Quasimodo, he'd also be a regular at Little Jim's.

Beyond Little Jim's

Imagine what he'd look like if Quasimodo was Trulymodo.

Would That Make Him A Kamiquaze?

The Hunchback's name sounds more Japanese than French to me.

If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies And Gave Them A Gay Twist…

The Bride Of Frankenstein would become The Life-Partner of Frankenstein.

If The Frankenstein Monster Were Gay And Living In Chicago...

Since he dresses in black, wears big, heavy black boots, gets strapped to tables and flogged with a whip, the Monster would volunteer at the Leather Archives & Museum, and hang out at the Chicago Eagle.

The Wolf Diva

The Wolf Man is a high-maintenance drama queen who spends most of his time whining about how terrible his life is.

If The Wolf Man Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

He'd be a Log Cabin Republican ( see above ) , and hang out at Touché on bear night, even though he'd probably be considered more of an otter since he isn't all that heavy.

A Stupid Halloween Joke I Just Thought Of

Which movie monster does PETA hate the most? The Wolf Man, because they don't want anyone to werewolf.

If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies with A Gay Twist…

Dracula would become Dragula.

Everyone Saw Through His Plans For World Domination

In The Invisible Man, as Claude Rains' character gets increasingly irrational and goes on and on about how he will rule the world because of his invisibility, it's hard to take him too seriously because in the scenes where he's completely unseen he's not only invisible, but also completely naked.

It Would Be Hard To Follow Those Bouncing Balls

In Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man, when the invisi-guy first becomes transparent and takes his clothes off, we discover that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

If The Invisible Man Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

Given his fondness for walking around naked, he'd hang out at Man's Country and Steamworks.

If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies And Gave Them A Gay Twist…

The Creature From The Black Lagoon would become The Troll From Hollywood Beach.

If The Creature From The Black Lagoon Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

He'd be a member of the Smelts, and hang out at the aforementioned Hollywood Beach.

If The Golem Were Gay And Living In Chicago…

He'd be a member of Congregation Or Chadash, and ( given that I often find Jewish guys very attractive ) I'd probably think he was hot.

If They Re-Made Classic Monsters Movies And Gave Them A Gay Twist…

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari would become The Cabaret of Dr. Caligari.

If you're a SWJGM who knows who the Golem is, are in your late 30s to early 50s, and look even remotely like Jake Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, or even Steve Gutenberg ( but NOT like Sacha Baron Cohen, Jerry Springer, or Marty Feldman ) , e-mail me at .

This article shared 1947 times since Wed Oct 24, 2007
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

Out and Aging
Presented By


Gay News

Trans golfer banned from competing
Transgender golfer Hailey Davidson spoke out on Instagram after the NXXT Women's Pro Tour suddenly announced on March 8 (International Women's Day) that participants must be "a biological female at birth" in order to compete—banning D ...

Gay News

APA adopts policy supporting transgender, gender diverse and non-binary individuals
From a press release: WASHINGTON—The American Psychological Association (APA) has adopted a landmark policy affirming evidence-based care for transgender, gender diverse and nonbinary children, adolescents and adults, noting that recent ...

Gay News

Chicago Opera Theater starts 50th-anniv. season with 'Soldier Songs'
Chicago Opera Theater (COT) is kicking off its 50th-anniversary season with David T. Little's Grammy-nominated Soldier Songs—described as "a haunting, heavy-metal infused theatrical cantata about the psychological impact of war." ...

Gay News

Can Chicago escape the 'urban doom loop?'
Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, major U.S. cities were experiencing strong growth fueled by financial and technological sectors of the economy. COVID, however, caused a massive change in population migration and work behavior which has created ...

Gay News

SHOWBIZ Ariana DeBose, trans child model, 'Take Me Out,' 'Feud'
Video below - Prime Video and Blumhouse Television announced the upcoming psychological thriller House of Spoils, starring queer Academy Award winner Ariana DeBose, per a press release. The film (directed by Bridget Savage Cole and Danielle Krudy from their ...

Gay News

Young LGBQ adults experience more psychological distress than older LGBQ people
-- From a Williams Institute press release - A new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law finds younger LGBQ adults are physically healthier but have worse psychological distress than older LGBQ people. Researchers examined a representative sample of LGBQ people ...

Gay News

NATIONAL Okla. schools, Tenn. lawsuit, political items, Mich. library
Video below - Oklahoma public schools have started requiring students from kindergarten to college to complete "biological sex affidavits" if they want to compete in school sports, in accordance with a state law that took effect earlier this year, ...

Gay News

Green Bay diocese requires pronouns, restrooms align with biological sex
In Wisconsin, the Diocese of Green Bay is implementing a new gender identity policy in which people must abide to their biological sex throughout its schools, including pronouns, in bathrooms, locker rooms and athletics, NBC 26 ...

Gay News

United Methodist Church splitting over LGBTQ acceptance
Theologically conservative Methodists have broken away from the United Methodist Church (UMC) over LGBTQ acceptance. According to a item, the breakaway denomination, called the Global Methodist Church, formed because ...

Gay News

News coverage of trans athletes reflects partisan biases, data show
-- From a press release - WATERLOO, ONTARIO, CANADA — News coverage of transgender athletes, including the history-making NCAA Division I champion swimmer Lia Thomas, often reflected the ideological biases of news outlets, which presented readers ...

Gay News

The Lost Daughter,' 'Red Rocket' among Spirit Award winners; LGBTQ+s underrepresented
The Lost Daughter, a psychological drama that is the directing debut of Maggie Gyllenhaal, was named the best feature at the 37th Film Independent Spirit Awards, Variety noted. Red Rocket's Simon Rex and Zola's Taylour Page ...

Gay News

THEATER The Black Knight
Title: The Black Knight. Playwright: Angeli Primlani At: Lifeboat Productions at City Lit, 1020 W. Bryn Mawr Ave. Tickets: $38; Runs through: April 2 The pre-curtain music is Wagner at his most narcotic, the chronological ...

Gay News

Hell in a Handbag Productions presents 'The Drag Seed'
-- From a press release - CHICAGO (February 25, 2022) — Hell in a Handbag Productions is pleased to continue its 20th anniversary season with a revival of its popular comedy The Drag Seed, an unauthorized parody of the 1956 psychological horror-thriller ...

Gay News

Report claims gay men excel academically but lesbians don't
A paper published in the American Sociological Review on Feb. 20 concludes that gay men excel academically as opposed to their straight counterparts, NBC News noted. Joel Mittleman—a University of Notre Dame sociologist and the paper's ...

Gay News

SAVOR Hannah's Bretzel
It's time to get Bavarian! Hannah's Bretzel, as you may guess, specializes in pretzel (or, rather, bretzel—the German word for pretzel). (Added benefits are that the bread is organic, whole-grain and free of chemical additives. ...


Copyright © 2024 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.

All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.






About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.