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Windy City Times 2023-12-13



pretzel logic

This article shared 2012 times since Wed Aug 29, 2007
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Road trip! In the fourth of a series of five columns about my recent trip to the Gulf Coast to help my friends Mike and Christian move, here's a Pretzel Logic look at the drive from Gulfport, MS through to the northern part of that state, as we made our way towards Rockford, IL.

Well, Who Doesn't?

Mike and his partner rented a 28-foot long moving truck and decided to leave a set of metal lawn furniture with the house in Mississippi because there just wasn't enough room on the truck. Mike said that one of the reasons he was not taking it with him was that it would not be comfortable to sit on metal lawn chairs once the weather starts getting cool up in Rockford, adding 'there's nothing I hate more than a cold bottom.'

Do You Think The Fact That It Took The Better Part Of An Entire Day To Load, On a Hot, Humid, Sweltering Gulf Coast Summer Day Had Anything To Do With His Decision?

Just as we were about to take off for the final drive from Gulfport to Rockford, I saw that the moving truck did not come with a CD player. I jokingly suggested to Mike that he take the truck back and get another one.

Hey Baby, Nice Pad

There's a town called Maxie, Mississippi.

For Whites Only?

Mississippi has a body of water called Black Creek.

Them Thar Illegal Imm'grants Shore Started Off Early 'Nuff

Conquistador Hernando de Soto traveled through parts of Mississippi in 1540-1541.

And We Kin Stahrt Cawlin' Canada 'The North US uv A'

Once the subject of illegal immigrants came up, I took on the persona of a Mississippi redneck ( which is redundant, I know ) and said 'Wut ah don't git is why they cawl it the Gulf a' Mex-ee-co. Hell, when me an' the missus go to the cusinas 'long the water in Gulfpurt or Biloxi, ah don't see no damn Mex-ee-co. Wut I see is the United Staytes uv Amer'ca, so we should cawl it the Gulf uv Amer'ca fahr as I'm con-cerned.'

But He Sure Looks Like One Bad-Ass Mutha

There was an anti-littering billboard early in the trip that featured a photo of a big, black Mississippi state trooper, with his arms crossed, and a mean look on his face. Alomg with the caption 'I'm not your mama!'

I Wonder If They Make Leather KKK Robes

There is a store called Dixie Leather in Hattiesburg, MS.

Is That A Cob Of Corn In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

There is a 'Papa Bear's Produce' in Seminary, MS.

Truckers With Wood

Because of a lot of foresting is done in Mississippi, they have road signs reading 'Trucks Turning Watch For Long Logs.'

I Believe Popeye 'Came' Here

There's a town called Mount Olive, MS.

Just Add H2O

There's a Dry Creek Water Park in Mississippi.

Water Sports

I wonder, are the guys who go to the D'Lo Water Park, in Mendenhall, MS, on the 'down low?'

He Changed His Name From 'Parker Faggots, Jr.'

According to roadside campaign signs, Parker Dykes, Jr. is running for a seat in the Mississippi State Senate.

All You Can Puke

There is a 'KFC Colonel's Buffet' with the slogan 'all you can eat' in Richland. MS.

Sometimes An Obelisk Is Just An Obelisk

There is a 20-foot obelisk in Canton, MS, which was 'erected' between 1894 ansd 1900 by William Hill Howcott in honor of his 'faithful servant and friend' ( and slave, too' ) , Willis Howcott, who followed him into battle during the Civil War and was killed.

There Just Has To Be A George Bush Joke Here Somewhere

There is a Yalobusha County, MS.

If you can think of a good George Bush/Yalobusha County joke, please send it to me at

This article shared 2012 times since Wed Aug 29, 2007
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