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  NIGHTSPOTS

pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2007-07-25

This article shared 1919 times since Wed Jul 25, 2007
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After a brief interruption for a Fourth of July column, and because I was traveling, here's the last installment of my Pretzel Logic look at The Wizard of Oz.

But Ann Coulter Is Still Alive

The full name of the first big musical number after Dorothy lands in Oz is 'The Munchkinland Song ( Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead ) .

No Wonder So Many Gay Guys Just Looooooove This Movie

Sorry guys, it's not THAT type of dong.

The Song's A B….

All the 'itch' rhymes in the song's lyrics ( switch, pitch, unhitch, witch, itch, hitch, rich, pitch [ again ] , slitch [ slitch? ] , witch [ again ] , ditch, witch [ yet again ] , [ and now repeat those last five again ] , twitch, stitch, [ and finally and mercifully ] witch ) start to get just a teensy bit annoying.

Life's A Slitch

According to Urbandictionary.com, slitch is a combination of slut and bitch. The web site includes this run-on sentence, amongst others, to illustrate its usage: 'That Janice is one nasty little slitch, I hope she dies painfully.'

Maybe They Need Munchkin Viagra

When the Munchkin Mayor declares the Wicked Witch of the East dead, he says 'Then this is a day of independence for all the munchkins and their descendants' at witch… I mean 'which' point another Munchkin interjects 'if any.'

Chew On This

Do lesbians in the Land of Oz engage in carpet Munchkin?

Dorothy Must Have Been Heavily Into Some Raunchy Foot Fetish Kink

The way the feet of the Wicked Witch of the East curl up when her ruby slippers are removed, you'd think those shoes would be the last thing Dorothy would want on her feet.

Liza Minnelli Does Not Star In It, However

There's a low-budget sci-fi film from 1965 entitled 'The Wizard of Mars' that is ( very ) loosely based on the Wizard of Oz.

Rush Limbaugh Gets By Just Fine

Shortly after meeting the Scarecrow, Dorothy asks him 'How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?'

The Still-Living Ann Coulter, Too

The Scarecrow replies 'I don't know, but some people without brains do a lot of talking, don't they?'

The Wizard of Eh

There were very short cartoon versions of The Wizard of Oz produced in Canada in 1933 and 1938. The 1933 version was the first to feature the Kansas scenes in black-and-white and the Oz scenes in color.

Lube Him Up

The first thing Dorothy says to the Tin Man when he is found in the woods all rusted is 'Where do you want to be oiled first?'

I Know Where I'd Oil Him

Buffed-up country music cutie ( and annulled non-husband to Renee Zellweger ) Kenny Chesney included a song called 'The Tin Man' on his first CD, and a re-recorded version on his Greatest Hits collection.

'Cowardly Lion' Sounds Much Catchier Than 'Big Old Faggot Lion'

The Cowardly Lion sings 'Yeah, it's sad, believe me Missy, when you're born to be a sissy... '

Foot Fetishism. Now Drugs! And They Call This A Family Movie?

The Wicked Witch of the West uses poppies ( as in opium ) to put Dorothy and the others to sleep.

Speaking Of Drug Abuse, The Wicked Witch Of The West Rides The Needle

When the WWW took to the air to write 'Surrender Dorothy' in the sky while Dorothy was in the Emerald City, her skywriting was created by using a hypodermic needle spreading black ink across a glass tank filled with tinted water.

And Don't Forget The Body Piercing

When the Wizard gives the Big Old Faggot Lion his medal near the end of the movie, he pins it directly onto his freakin' furry chest!

Maybe The Wizard Gave Him George W. Bush's Brain

The Scarecrow proves his new-found knowledge by proclaiming 'The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side,' but that's total gibberish. The Pythagorean Theorem, which is what he's probably trying to recite, states: the sum of the squares ( not square roots ) of the legs ( the sides that meet at a 90 degree angle ) of a right triangle ( not an isosceles one ) is equal to the square ( not the square root ) of the hypotenuse ( the non-leg side of a right triangle ) .

If you have proof that the Big Old Faggot Lion was into meth, you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . If you are Ann Coulter, let's hope that instead of a farmhouse, they drop the Palmer House on top of you.


This article shared 1919 times since Wed Jul 25, 2007
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