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pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz

This article shared 1929 times since Wed Apr 18, 2007
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This week continues a look at my recent 21-day stay in Gulfport, MS, which was made in memory of my friend Gary who passed away earlier this year.

Great, The Only Person I Know Of Who Liked Them Is Now Gone

Another one of my Gulfport friends, Mike, told me after Gary's passing that Gary enjoyed my columns about my trips down to Mississippi.

But The Food's Not At All Shitty

There's a fast-food chain down south called Backyard Burger, so of course my other friend in Gulfport, Christian, refers to it as 'Backdoor Burger.'

Laissez Bon Temps California Roulez

One day Mike and I were in downtown Mobile, Alabama looking at the menu in the window of a Japanese restaurant. This freakishly tall, skinny , flamboyant, lispy, bike-riding twink ( whose shorts and sleeveless T-shirt revealed him to be completely devoid of any trace of body hair ) walked up right behind us, bent over to read the menu with us, his face thrust between our shoulders, and said 'Oooh, I think I'm going to eat here. I jutht hope it'th not too expenthive. I'm going to have the California roll.' California Roll Boy walked in to the restaurant. We walked away.

Speaking Of Restaurants That Make Me Sick…

The Gulfport Hooters has comical sayings on its sign, one of which included 'Life is a terminal disease.'

I Had To Steal This Joke

Another message Hooters had up during my trip was 'Plagiarism saves time.'

Did They Serve Burgers And Fries At The Last Supper?

The Sonic ( a fast food chain popular down south ) restaurant near my friends' house always includes a religious message on its sign; 'Give God Your Best, He Did' was up for most of my trip.

I Gave My Business To Backyard Burger

Right before I left Mississippi Sonic changed its message to 'Give Your Troubles To God.'

Chicken On The Lam ( b )

One day I wanted a quick lunch before driving out on a trip, so I decided to try a 'Chick-Fil-A,' which is a fast-food chicken place. It wasn't until I got my order and sat down that I realized that the song they were playing over the restaurant's speakers was all about the Lamb of God.

California Roulez Dreaming?

One evening Mike and Christian treated me to a Japanese restaurant in Gulfport, where I ordered the chicken teriyaki ( without Lamb of God music ) because I seem to be one of the rarest types of gay guys: those who don't eat sushi. They persuaded me to try some sushi for the first time ever, and I did not like the raw shrimp one at all, but I actually did like the California roll… that is until Mike joked that now California Roll Boy and I now had something in common.

His Stupid Opinions Were The Most Antique Thing Of All

One day I was talking to a guy who works in an antique shop in a small town near Gulfport, and at one point he commented 'Thair wuz once this hyere wummun who moved into my ol' neighborhood. An' she and her muther wuz whores. Serious. They wuz whores. But I dinn't mind them bein' whores so much, but they wuz doin' the niggers, and that wuz bringin' down the nayburhood.'

Welcome To The Hotel Mississippi…

After extending my stay in Mississippi from six days to thirteen, and then to twenty, my friends back in Chicago began to think I was never going to leave.

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like…

When I was finally going to fly home on March 21 ( I arrived March 1 ) , I had to call my friends and have them pick me up at the airport because my flight got cancelled because of mechanical problems.

Had I Made A Similar Joke, I'd Still be In Jail Right Now

The next day I really did fly out, but while going through security I told the TSA lady that the airline spelled my name wrong, making me 'Davis J. Magdziarz' by mistake. She looked at my papers and ID and said 'Be sure to correct that, because if it happens again and the plane explodes they'll really be mad.'

If you have had TSA personnel make inappropriate comments/jokes to you, e-mail me at and tell me about it.

If you're the guy from the Ocean Springs antique store, my guess is you can't even read, never mind knowing how to use a computer.

This article shared 1929 times since Wed Apr 18, 2007
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