I hadn't started out to make this week's column a Pretzel Logic look at country music, but Brad's balls and Faith's fuck-up kind of got me on a roll.
Hmmm, Maybe He Has Read My Columns - Part One
Last December I saw country music cutie Brad Paisley in concert in Rosemont, and while he was performing the song 'Alcohol' he brought out on stage a group of 'intoxicated' audience members. While I think at least one was wearing a lampshade as a hat I was more intrigued by the fact that the group also included a man in a dress, another man in a pink woman's Brad Paisley T-shirt ( pulled up to reveal his mid-section ) and also with a pair of women's bikini panties with the words 'Yee Haw' printed right in the middle of the crotch area ( merchandise from opening act Jake Owen who has a song by that name ) worn over his boxers, and a woman in baggy pants showing the band of her boxers, a sleeveless white T-shirt, striped necktie, and a baseball cap, as well as having painted-on facial and armpit hair.
Hmmm, Maybe He Has Read My Columns - Part Two
In at least two of Brad's videos he has scenes where his fiddle player is dressed in drag ( one was live, the other animation ) .
…I Touched Brad's Balls
Of course, they were oversized beach balls printed to resemble the globe and were released into the audience to bat around while Brad was on stage singing his song 'The World,' but still... .
Putting The 'Cunt' Back Into Country Music - Part One
When the second opening act, American Idol winner Carrie Underwood was introduced, Faith 'I'm Just A Down-Home Country Girl Unaffected By My Wealth And Fame, No Really, Stop Laughing Damn You' Hill was rumored ( well, by me at least ) to be seen in the audience throwing her arms in the air as if she was expecting to be called on stage, but then screaming 'What?!' before storming off all DUI ( 'Diva Underwood-Intolerant' ) .
Putting The 'Cunt' Back Into Country Music - Part Two
When Faith's favorite female country music singer recently won the Grammy for best new artist, she was rumored ( well, by me at least ) to be seen in the audience throwing her arms in the air as if she were expecting to be called on stage, but then screaming 'What?!' before storming off all DUI ( 'Diva Underwood-Intolerant' ) . And it's good to see she's not being haunted by that hissy fit she threw last November when Carrie beat out Faith and several other top female country singers for the Country Music Association's 'Female Vocalist of the Year' award.
Putting The 'Cunt' Back Into Country Music - Part Three
I wonder if Faith will see the irony of her continuing to sing her song 'Mississippi Girl' in which she goes on and on about how 'a Mississippi girl don't change her ways just 'cause everybody knows her name, ain't big-headed from a little bit of fame.'
You Gotta Have Faith
I never got around to writing about Ms. Hill getting all 'Carried' away at the CMAs even though I wanted to, so I'm glad I finally found a nice, subtle way of getting all that off my chest.
Hmmm, Just What Might He Reaaaaaaally Want To Fill That 'Gaping Hole?'
When 'part-time model' Amanda Wyatt claimed in December 2006 that she had an affair with country music star Keith Urban and that it continued up until the time he was engaged to his future ex-wife Nicole Kidman, she was quoted in the Australian newspaper that broke the story as saying that Keith once told her 'Everyone thinks I have everything, but I can't be happy. I'm just not happy. I have this huge, gaping hole inside of me I just can't fill.'
Just Ask Tom Cruise
Of course, being married to Nicole Kidman is generally seen as proof positive that a guy is heterosexual, heterosexual, heterosexual, and beyond any shadow of a doubt heterosexual.
If Brad Paisley's asked you to dress in clothing of the opposite gender you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me all about it.
If you are the attorneys for Brad Paisley, Faith Hill, Keith Urban or Tom Cruise, you can e-mail me at CarrieUnderwoodSucks@FaithHill.com