f you love to hate the holiday of love, then hopefully you'll love ( and not hate ) this first ever Pretzel Logic look at Valentine's Day and romance, gay style.
This Would Have Been A Reeeally Tough Sell For Hallmark
Some historians trace Valentine's Day back to the Roman festival known as Lupercalia, which was celebrated on February 15. Part of this festival included two young men dressed in animal skins who would go around slapping strangers with pieces of goat flesh that had been dipped in sacrificial animal blood.
Indisputable Proof That St. Valentine Was Gay
After all, the initial for his celebration are 'V.D.'
Even More Indisputable Proof That St. Valentine Was Gay
From the History.com web page about Valentine's Day: 'One legend contends that Valentine was a priest... '
Pull Out Your Woodcock
From the History.com web site: '...during the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds' mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of February— Valentine's Day—should be a day for romance.'
A Heterosexual Don't Ask-Don't Tell/Valentine's Day Connection
One legend has it that the Roman emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for young men because he believed single men made better soldiers, but a priest ( and latter saint ) named Valentine continued to perform marriage ceremonies in secret.
From Don't Ask-Don't Tell To Don't Call Us, We'll Call You
From the Infoplease.com web site: 'In 1969, the Catholic Church revised its liturgical calendar, removing the feast days of saints whose historical origins were questionable. St. Valentine was one of the casualties.'
Gay Love Means
Never having to say you're monogamous.
It Makes Me Quiver: Part One
Does the gay version of Cupid shoot butt plugs instead of arrows?
It Makes Me Quiver: Part Two
Does the lesbian version shoot dildos?
It Makes Me Quiver: Part Three
If the lesbian Cupid should break the string on his/her bow, the elastic belt of one of those strap-ons would make a great emergency replacement part.
Gay Love Means
That far-right religious fanatics will denounce gays for being promiscuous, but then turn around and deny gays the civil institution of marriage which would help promote stable married life.
Lesbian Love Means
That the nice people at U-Haul will never go out of business.
Gay Love Means
That a couple isn't necessarily limited to being just two people.
Sweet Tooth
Even though you're gay, you should still give your sweetie a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day, and not a box of chocolate-flavored condoms. ( OK, give both. )
Sounds Sorta Un-Untraditional To Me
GayLife.com had an article entitled '10 Untraditional Date Ideas' that suggested the following wildly imaginative and earth-shatteringly unconventional date activities: a day at a park or beach; a roller coaster ride; rollerskating or bowling; spending a day at a remote town or resort community; going to a wine tasting; going to a book signing; going to a café poetry reading; going horseback riding; go to a farm to pick your own fruit ( which seems somewhat redundant to me since you would be picking fruit on Valentine's day with the fruit you picked as your Valentine ) ; or lastly, and most shockingly of all, see a musical. With the exceptions of going horseback riding and going to a farm to pick fruit, most of these ideas wouldn't exactly put the 'alternative' into your 'alternative lifestyle.'
Gay Love Means
You might be dating him, but that doesn't mean he's necessarily dating you.
If you'd like to send me an e-Valentine ( or an e-restraining order if you're country music cutie Brad Paisley - and yes, I know he has nothing to do with this particular column, but it's been a while since I mentioned him, and besides I had space to kill ) you can contact me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com .
