Based on what you learn of the early American colonists in grade school you'd think that the Pilgrims, et al., were all bland, stoic saints. Well here's a Pretzel Logic look at some of the less- than-savory actions that occurred in early Plymouth Colony, with a few other miscellaneous Thanksgiving giblets added in for flavor.
The Gay Indians Lived At Pawtouchit ( 'Place Of The Little Jim's' )
Plymouth was originally a place of Indian settlement called Pawtuxet ( 'Place of the Little Falls' ) .
An Un-Savory Pilgrim
A woman named Ann Savory, the wife of Thomas Savory, was one of the few females in Plymouth brought before a judge on a charge of drunkenness. According to court records she was found with a man named Thomas Lucas, 'drunk at the same time under an hedge, in an uncivil and beastly manner' on 'the Lord's Day.' She was fined five shillings for being drunk on the Sabbath, and for the offense of sitting on Lucas she was ordered to sit in the stocks.
The aforementioned Thomas Lucas had other alcohol-related legal problems of his own. Due to his alcohol-fueled actions, in March 1664 he had to post a bond to ensure his good behavior. He was further required to return the next time the court was in session to respond to charges of 'abusing his wife to her danger and hazard, and also for railing and reviling others, to the disturbance of the King's peace.'
The Female Founder Of IML
Another woman prosecuted for drunkenness in ye olde Colonie of Plymouth was Hester Rickard. She was ordered to be publicly whipped not only because she was drunk and acting in an 'uncivil and beastly' manner towards her husband, but because the court had previously ordered her to refrain from brewing beer to sell.
So, A Flamingly Gay Colonist With Bad Balance And A Queasy Stomach Could Have Beeen In Big Trouble
In 1646 a change in the laws at Plymouth Colony stated, 'And by drunkenness is understood a person that either lisps or falters in his speech by reason of overmuch drink, or that staggers in his going or that vomits by reason of excessive drinking... '
A Turkey Of An Idea
You can go to YankeeHarvest.com and buy a turkey-shaped Jell-O mold ( actually based on a Cornish hen ) . You also get a recipe for realistic flesh-colored Jell-O to make the results all the more disgusting.
Fleshing Out A Bad Idea
While I've never made it myself, you can make flesh-colored Jell-O by adding some light evaporated skim milk ( for opacity ) and a little green food coloring to peach or watermelon-flavored Jell-O.
Thankfully This Sounds Like It Has Little To Do With Thanksgiving
A Google search for 'Thanksgiving horror stories gay' brought up 631,000 responses, including one that read: 'A gay vampire couturier controls the career of a country music star. ... by Deron Douglas ) ; Original anthology of 29 horror stories about various holidays...'
Remember, if there should be a cornucopia centerpiece on the table at Thanksgiving dinner, it is still considered impolite to use it as a dildo-- especially while the dinner is still going on.
It's Also Not Advised To Use A Dildo As A Cornucopia
At www.bobandtom.com you can find a Thanksgiving horror story about how a 4-year old who was off in the corner playing when he was called to the table for Thanksgiving dinner. When he sat down the boy plopped down his grandmother's battery operated 12' dildo, which started to squirm and twist across the table ( knocking over the gravy boat ) because the kid had accidentally hit the 'on' switch.
Straight Men Do Compare
The man who wrote about the above-mentioned dildo dilemma went on to state: 'My mother-in-law walked in, She [ sic ] calmly placed a towel over it and removed it back to her bedroom where my son had found it. She would not unlock her door for the next three hours. My wife and her daughters were trying to comfort her while myself and the other son-in-laws were laughing and bragging about comparisons.'
If you'd like to share your holiday horror stories ( dildo or not ) or your dildo horror stories ( holiday or not ) , just e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com