Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Pre-order Book!
Pre-order Book!
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor

  NIGHTSPOTS

pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2006-10-25

This article shared 2599 times since Wed Oct 25, 2006
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


s a public service, and to do my best to reach out and single-handedly protect as many male organs of generation as possible in the Chicago area, I present this Pretzel Logic look at penis enlargement procedures gone awry.

News That Makes You Cross Your Legs And Go 'Ewwww!'

Recent Sun-Times news story headline: 'Patients: Doctor left us with deformed penises'.

Burn, Man

According to the news story, Dr. Sheldon Burman has allegedly left 'Dozens of Chicago men [ with ] the same shrunken deformities' instead of the 'longer and thicker' penises they expected after Burman operated on them.

Fat Head

One of the techniques used by Shifty Sheldon is to take fat from the abdomen and inject it into the penis to enlarge it.

And As Far As I Know, The Guy Isn't Even A Little Jim's Regular

According to an attorney for one of Burman's ex-patients, the man's phallus 'doesn't even resemble a penis… It's absolutely grotesque.'

Talk About Dysfunctional

Shitty Sheldon, who has had a total of 45 malpractice claims filed against him, is the medical director of the 'Male Sexual Dysfunction Clinic,' located in Chicago.

Doc Does Denial

Ball-bustin' Burman 'says patients are to blame when procedures go wrong - saying many don't follow post-operative steps like cleansing and weighting it down, to ensure a bigger penis.'

Whatever You Do, Never, Ever Let A Doctor Operate On Your Penis If He Uses The Word 'Most' In This Context

According to the newspaper story there are seven malpractice suits against Burman in Cook County, 'though he says most of them are frivolous.'

Size Queens Left Without A Scepter

The article states that the ( allegedly ) dick-destroying doctor ( my phrase, not the Sun-Times' ) 'acknowledges a majority of his patients have normal-sized penises.'

Getting All Tensed Up

Somehow it seems to me that the proper tense of the word 'have' in the quote in the item above should be the past.

He Should Have Given Himself An 'F' ( And Then He Should Have F'd Himself )

The phreakish physician 'said he is self-taught in the procedure and has no formal background in urology or plastic surgery.'

Phallic Fallacy

'And when leading medical groups and urologists bashed [ Burman's ] procedure as harmful, he and a handful of other doctors created their own group - the American Academy of Phalloplasty Surgeons - and deemed the procedure safe.'

Whatever You Do, Never, Ever Let A Doctor Operate On Your Penis If He Uses The Word 'Awful' In This Context

Here's a wonderful quote in the story from the dickheaded dick doc: 'And, really, no matter how awful the initial results might appear, it doesn't take much fine tuning to get a more desirable result.'

No Girth And No Mirth

The Untalented Mr. Rip-off has a web site at www.lengthandgirth.com where you can buy a $495 penis stretcher or a $450 vacuum pump.

Well, Speaking Personally, Country Music Cutie Brad Paisley Always Worked For Me

According to a doctor with the American Urological Association there are not many doctors who attempt penis enlargement operations 'because the results are not good,' and then he stated 'nothing works for increasing penis size.'

They Had To Chop His Stick Off

In another recent news story, a 44-year-old Chinese man was left with 'a small stump' and was 'unable to urinate or have sex normally' after an 'unfortunate traumatic accident.' Even though doctors were able to transplant a penis that came from a 22-year-old brain-dead man whose parents agreed to the donation, 14 days after the operation the man and his wife asked the doctors to amputate the penis. This was, in part 'because of the wife's psychological rejection' of the organ.

Was Dr. Burman Involved?

According to news reports another reason the unnamed Chinese man and his wife wanted to terminate the transplanted tallywhacker was because of 'the swollen shape of the transplanted penis.'

If you would like to share the short story of your own penis enlargement, feel free to discharge an e-mail to me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com

If you are the attorneys for a certain bungling bunghole of a Burman, feel free to e-mail me at drburman@msdclinic.com


This article shared 2599 times since Wed Oct 25, 2006
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email





Windy City Media Group does not approve or necessarily agree with the views posted below.
Please do not post letters to the editor here. Please also be civil in your dialogue.
If you need to be mean, just know that the longer you stay on this page, the more you help us.


  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

Study: 30% of young LGBQ people have attempted suicide in their lifetimes
2021-04-09
--From a press release - A new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law finds younger LGBQ adults experience greater psychological distress and suicidal behavior than older LGBQ people. Researchers examined a representative sample of LGBQ people in ...


Gay News

Nearly half of all LBQ women have been physically or sexually assaulted
2021-03-30
--From a press release - New study examines the social, economic, physical, and psychological well-being of cisgender and transgender LBQ women and girls A new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law finds about 5% of cisgender and ...


Gay News

WORLD Court rulings, trans kids' books, activist dies, Naomi Campbell
2021-03-07
A Chinese court upheld a ruling that a textbook description of homosexuality as "a psychological disorder" was not a factual error but merely an "academic view," according to the South China Morning Post. The Chinese LGBT ...


Gay News

APA adopts resolution opposing efforts to change people's gender identity
2021-03-02
--From a press release - WASHINGTON — The American Psychological Association has adopted a resolution opposing efforts to change people's gender identity, citing scientific research showing that such actions may be harmful. The resolution, adopted ...


Gay News

APA Updates Resolutions Related to LGBTQ Issues
2020-03-03
WASHINGTON — The American Psychological Association has revised three key policies related to LGBTQ issues to take into account the most recent research and changes in law, such as the legalization of same-sex marriage. APA's governing ...


Gay News

LGBT neuropsychologist mom pens book about life with very young kids
2019-12-24
Dr. Bethany Cook is a 42-year-old licensed clinical psychologist (and member of the LGBT community) with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment. She's also a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and is an "ex-communicated Mormon ...


Gay News

Hell in a Handbag to present The Drag Seed world premiere July 5
2019-06-20
CHICAGO (June 19, 2019) — Hell in a Handbag Productions continues its 2019 season with the world premiere of THE DRAG SEED, an unauthorized parody of the 1956 psychological horror-thriller film The Bad Seed, inspired by ...


Gay News

'Drag Seed' cast announced
2019-06-17
Hell in a Handbag Productionshas announced casting for its world premiere of The Drag Seed—an unauthorized parody of the 1956 psychological horror-thriller film The Bad Seed, inspired by our changing times, written by Artistic Director David ...


Gay News

SUMMER DANCE FEATURE Ballet to boogie: Summer dance in Chicago
2019-05-21
By Johnny Nevin, Kristi Licera and Jonathan Abarbanel - Over the last 35 years, Chicago has developed into one helluva dance town, and things don't slow down in the summer as some dance events move outdoors, just as theater performances do. The chronological listings below ...


Gay News

Critics' Picks
2019-03-12
On Clover Road, American Blues Theater at Stage 773, through March 16. The unplanned Steven Dietz festival continues with this twisted desert-cult psychological thriller featuring Philip E. Johnson in one of his rare creepy-villain roles (Shakespeare ...


Gay News

Archbishop's comment explains why Church is in so much trouble
2018-10-10
MOUNT RAINIER, Maryland—Archbishop Charles Chaput's statement about LGBT Catholics at the synod on youth yesterday is a perfect example of how some church leaders have been so blinded by ideological homophobia and transphobia that they cannot ...


Gay News

Local psychologist hopes to be first gay APA president
2018-08-08
Recently, Dr. Armand Cerbone was nominated as one of the five finalists on the ballot to become president of the American Psychological Association (APA). If elected this fall, he will become the first out gay president ...


Gay News

Critics' Picks
2018-06-12
Suddenly Last Summer, Raven Theatre, through June 17. Well-acted, well-directed, well-designed production of Tennessee Williams' psychological thriller pitting rich Mrs. Venable against her niece—and who knows what Sebastian did last ...


Gay News

BOOKS Gore's new tale a bewitching spin on fiction
2018-05-01
Those who are unfamiliar with the writer Ariel Gore might think it defies all logic that she launched a stellar career from a self-published zine. Those same people might also be skeptical that someone who initially ...


Gay News

THEATER REVIEW Down the Rocky Road and All the Way to Bedlam
2018-04-11
Playwright: D. Matthew Beyer At: Otherworld Theatre at Nox Arca Studio, Suite 405 at 4001 N. Ravenswood Ave. Tickets: Pay-what-you-can (suggested price: $20). Runs through: May 13 Whether exemplifying the technological utopias of the 1890s, the ...


 



Copyright © 2021 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 

 

 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor
Sponsor


 



Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots      OUT! Guide     
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam      Outguide Categories      Outguide Advertisers      Search Outguide      Travel      Dining Out      Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.