s a public service, and to do my best to reach out and single-handedly protect as many male organs of generation as possible in the Chicago area, I present this Pretzel Logic look at penis enlargement procedures gone awry.
News That Makes You Cross Your Legs And Go 'Ewwww!'
Recent Sun-Times news story headline: 'Patients: Doctor left us with deformed penises'.
According to the news story, Dr. Sheldon Burman has allegedly left 'Dozens of Chicago men [ with ] the same shrunken deformities' instead of the 'longer and thicker' penises they expected after Burman operated on them.
One of the techniques used by Shifty Sheldon is to take fat from the abdomen and inject it into the penis to enlarge it.
And As Far As I Know, The Guy Isn't Even A Little Jim's Regular
According to an attorney for one of Burman's ex-patients, the man's phallus 'doesn't even resemble a penis… It's absolutely grotesque.'
Talk About Dysfunctional
Shitty Sheldon, who has had a total of 45 malpractice claims filed against him, is the medical director of the 'Male Sexual Dysfunction Clinic,' located in Chicago.
Doc Does Denial
Ball-bustin' Burman 'says patients are to blame when procedures go wrong - saying many don't follow post-operative steps like cleansing and weighting it down, to ensure a bigger penis.'
Whatever You Do, Never, Ever Let A Doctor Operate On Your Penis If He Uses The Word 'Most' In This Context
According to the newspaper story there are seven malpractice suits against Burman in Cook County, 'though he says most of them are frivolous.'
Size Queens Left Without A Scepter
The article states that the ( allegedly ) dick-destroying doctor ( my phrase, not the Sun-Times' ) 'acknowledges a majority of his patients have normal-sized penises.'
Getting All Tensed Up
Somehow it seems to me that the proper tense of the word 'have' in the quote in the item above should be the past.
He Should Have Given Himself An 'F' ( And Then He Should Have F'd Himself )
The phreakish physician 'said he is self-taught in the procedure and has no formal background in urology or plastic surgery.'
'And when leading medical groups and urologists bashed [ Burman's ] procedure as harmful, he and a handful of other doctors created their own group - the American Academy of Phalloplasty Surgeons - and deemed the procedure safe.'
Whatever You Do, Never, Ever Let A Doctor Operate On Your Penis If He Uses The Word 'Awful' In This Context
Here's a wonderful quote in the story from the dickheaded dick doc: 'And, really, no matter how awful the initial results might appear, it doesn't take much fine tuning to get a more desirable result.'
No Girth And No Mirth
The Untalented Mr. Rip-off has a web site at www.lengthandgirth.com where you can buy a $495 penis stretcher or a $450 vacuum pump.
Well, Speaking Personally, Country Music Cutie Brad Paisley Always Worked For Me
According to a doctor with the American Urological Association there are not many doctors who attempt penis enlargement operations 'because the results are not good,' and then he stated 'nothing works for increasing penis size.'
They Had To Chop His Stick Off
In another recent news story, a 44-year-old Chinese man was left with 'a small stump' and was 'unable to urinate or have sex normally' after an 'unfortunate traumatic accident.' Even though doctors were able to transplant a penis that came from a 22-year-old brain-dead man whose parents agreed to the donation, 14 days after the operation the man and his wife asked the doctors to amputate the penis. This was, in part 'because of the wife's psychological rejection' of the organ.
Was Dr. Burman Involved?
According to news reports another reason the unnamed Chinese man and his wife wanted to terminate the transplanted tallywhacker was because of 'the swollen shape of the transplanted penis.'
If you would like to share the short story of your own penis enlargement, feel free to discharge an e-mail to me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com
If you are the attorneys for a certain bungling bunghole of a Burman, feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org