Florida might be the 'sunshine state,' but the actions of now-former congressman Mark A. Foley ( R-Fla ) are squarely on the dark side.
One-Half Plus One-Half Equals Zero
In what is half irony and half hypocrisy, Foley was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. Also, he introduced a bill in 2002 to outlaw websites featuring sexually suggestive images of preteen children.
Now If Freaky Foley Would Waltz On Outta Here
Freaky Foley greeted the 16-year-old page in one IM with 'how my favorite young stud doing,'and shortly thereafter suggested that the boy one third his age needed a massage after the child said he was sore from waltzing.
Molestin' Mark Doesn't Have A Leg To Stand On
The pedophile politico also said in the IM that he'd love to watch the kid's 'great legs' running during lacrosse practice. He then proceeded to tell the teenager to 'don't ruin' his 'mental image' of the kid's 'great legs' when the underage boy said of his legs 'they arent [ sic ] great.' The middle-aged mess also said the potential victim of inappropriate sexual conduct would be 'way hot' after his week of lacrosse conditioning.
I'm Sure The Sick MF Will Appreciate The Clarification
Any implication in the preceding item to the contrary notwithstanding, there have been no allegations ( yet ) that the now-disgraced former congressman actually molested anybody. Nor have there been any charges he inappropriately touched, fondled, had sex with, masturbated, kissed, rubbed himself against, or had any other sexual contact with any of the underage congressional pages to whom he admittedly sent sexually explicit e-mails or with whom he exchanged sexually explicit instant messages. The aforementioned item, and indeed the entire column in which it appears, was and is intended as constitutionally protected satire of a public figure who was engaged in sexually inappropriate written communication with underage teenage boys. There have been absolutely no allegations ( yet ) that he went beyond discussing masturbation techniques with teenage boys to actually masturbating them. Yet. At the time this was written that is. Please note that the 'yet' in this disclaimer is subject to change at any time without notice.
He's Got The Whole World In His Hands
Speaking of masturbation techniques, the creepy congressman asked the kid 'did any girl give you a haand [ sick… I mean 'sic' ] job this weekend.' He also asked if the high school-aged child was getting 'horny,' and then asked 'did you spank it this weekend yourself?'. When the kid said he had not because he had 'been too tired and too busy,' the future felon from Florida replied 'i am never to busy haha… or tired…'
Mark The Masturbation Master
Mr. Wonderful then went on to ask the child exactly how the kid would masturbate himself. When he told the future ( or current, for all we know ) NAMBLA member that he would lay face down on the bed and hump the mattress, Foley commented 'very nice… cute butt bouncing in the air.'
And This Is All From Just One IM!
Other lovely comments made by Foley to the jail bait-aged child: 'is your little guy limp...or growing … so you got a stiff one now … i like steamroom … what you wearing … … um so a big buldge … … love to slip them [ the child's shorts ] off of you… and [ grab ] the one eyed snake … get a ruler and measure it for me … ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … beautiful … that's a great size … still stiff … take it out …'
Thank You For Calling The Congressional Page Sex Abuse Hotline. What You Wearing?
Congress is setting up a telephone hotline so pages can report if they have been victims of improper conduct, which will be a good thing as long as they make sure Mr. Foley doesn't volunteer to lend a hand ( or a haand job ) .
Oh, That's Right, It's The Foul Mr. Foley Who's The Real Victim Here
Since the scandal broke Mr. Feely... I mean 'Foley' has let word come out that he was the supposed victim of sexual abuse by a priest when he was young, was under the influence of alcohol when he had the inappropriate internet interactions, and that he's now in rehab.
…John Mark Carr
I have just three words for right-wing nut jobs like Family Research Council President Tony Perkins who want to use the Foley case to make a link being homosexuality and pedophilia...
As long as you are not Mark Foley, you can ask me 'what you wearing' at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com
