The only theme to this week's column is that I finally decided to look through a bunch of newspaper clippings I have had around my house for a while.
It Takes One To Know One
President Bush and other Republicans have recently begun calling Islamic terrorists 'Islamic Fascists.'
News story headline: 'Wisconsin becomes 1st state to try to ban 'intelligent design'.'
The Only Crybaby Was Our Idiot Of A Governor
Last month Rod 'Govern By Headlines, Not Actions' Blagojevich hid behind his 3-year-old daughter as a way of avoiding tough questions about a hiring scandal, conveniently picking her up just as tensions between the reporters and our hairsprayed, empty-headed head of state were mounting, and then saying, 'I've got a baby crying here,' and then adding, 'You guys are asking questions like that.'
Should We Call Him 'Rod Ryan' Or 'George Blagojevich?'
After the multitude of scandals subside, do you think Rod will be so lucky as to get only six years?
What's In A Name? Part One
True, Roddy hasn't been charged with anything yet. But, back when I first started writing this column, George Ryan was the 'Secretary of State Official A' in various filings made by the US Attorney in federal court; you-know-who has been identified by various members of the news media as the 'Public Official A' mentioned by federal prosecutors in some recent corruption case papers.
Thank God That George Ryan Didn't Take After The Governor Of New Jersey
James E. McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey who resigned after admitting to a sexual relationship with a male employee, recently admitted that he also had anonymous gay sex at highway rest stops.
Stroger Than Fiction
If you type in www.toddstroger.com into your web browser it will take you to www.votestroger.com, an anti-Todd Stroger web site that includes, amongst other things, some photos of Todd and a certain TV sitcom character and the caption 'Todd or Urkel? You be the judge.'
What's In A Name? Part Two
Stroger's opponent in the Cook County Board President's race is Tony Peraica, but with Tony's well-documented anti-gay leanings, maybe he should be called 'Tony Pariah.'
Marriage Should Be Between One Pre-Teen Girl And One Dog
In India a 7-year-old girl married a stray dog to help protect her and her family from the evil eye.
Well, It Certainly Would Make Chartered Accountancy A More Interesting Profession
News story headline: 'Australia makes adult toys tax deductible.'
We Will Penis Pump You Up
So far this summer a former Oklahoma judge was convicted of exposing himself when he used a penis pump in his courtroom while conducting trials, and another man has been accused of saying the penis pump found in his carry-on baggage at O'Hare Airport was a 'bomb.' We better watch out; don't these things usually happen in threes?
Close, But Not Quite Number Three
Earlier this spring there was the incident in which a man and woman who were cited after warming a urine-filled, artificial penis in a convenience store microwave. In retrospect I can't say how glad I am that I have never used a convenience store microwave.
They'll Be Going After 'Spic And Span' Next
Back in March Volkswagen pulled a billboard ad seen as offensive by Hispanics because it showed a photo of one of their vehicles accompanied by the words 'Turbo-Cojones.'
Light A Match
According to a news story a man from Minnesota rented a cabin in Wisconsin, but when he turned on the bathroom light the place exploded. The news story did not mention how much sauerkraut and beer those staying in the cabin might have consumed earlier that day.
Perhaps it Would Be Best If The Mayor Of London, England Were To Stay Away From Wisconsin, USA
News story headline: 'London mayor says he hasn't flushed toilet in 15 months.'
If you're a former Governor of New Jersey you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . However, if you're a former or current governor of Illinois, you can e-mail me at email@example.com .