If four full columns about my trip to Los Angeles can't get me a tax deduction for a 'business expense,' nothing will.
T-shirt, complete with illustrations, seen in LA: 'It's not easy being a dick. I got a head I cannot think with. An eye I cannot see out of. I have to hang around with 2 nuts all the time. And my closest neighbor is an asshole. My best friend is a pussy. And worst of all my owner beats me all the time.'
Cracked Up To Become... 'Comptroller????'
I saw numerous campaign commercials on TV for California State Senator Joe Dunn who, the ads loudly proclaimed, was the person who 'cracked the Enron case.' All the dramatic music, images, serious intoning about the depth and breadth of the Enron scandal and his role in leading the investigation into the whole thing would have had a bit more 'oomph' to it if Joe was now running for something a little sexier than California State Comptroller.
Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are
There is a chain of resale shops in LA called 'Out of the Closet Thrift Stores.'
I mentioned in my last column that I was looking at the menu of a restaurant when I was offered a ticket to see a screening of The Bituminous Coal Queens of Pennsylvania.' Well, the restaurant I was standing outside of at the time was The Hamburger Hamlet on Hollywood Boulevard. After getting my ticket I went inside to have lunch, and a pretty boy waiter ( correction, a VERY pretty, pretty boy waiter ) took my order. A minute or two later a VERY queenie blond waiter came by to take my order, and when I explained I already placed it he said in that clipped tone that certain queens just live to hiss, 'Oh, that's interesting since I'm supposed to be your server. I'll look into this.'
The Loser Of The Food Fight? Me
I ended up with the blond queen as my server and not the hunky pretty boy who first wanted to service... I mean 'serve' me.
Apparently He Took The Title Rather Literally
The ghost of gay actor Montgomery Clift is said to haunt room 928 of the Roosevelt Hotel, where Clift lived for a three months in 1952 filming 'From Here to Eternity.'
Street Addresses Never Lie
A tour I took of the homes of the stars included passing by the home of Ronald and Nancy Regan at 668 St. Cloud Road in Bel Air. It was originally 666 St. Cloud Road until Ronnie had it changed to make it less obvious that he was the antichrist.
I Was Pretty Sure They Wouldn't Serve Dog
I ate at a Chinese restaurant in Hollywood called Kung Pao Kitty.
The Stars Shine Not As Brightly As They Used To
The only 'star' I saw in my five days in Los Angeles was on my last day there, at the airport, where I saw Sean, the British guy who was the winner on this season of The Apprentice.
The Aisle Seat Was The One With The Real View
As I waited for the plane to take off from the LA airport I saw the following walk past me in the aisle of the plane: a beefy guy in a brown Australian-style cowboy hat, a good looking, young guy in a black cowboy hat and tight Wranglers.
He Could Have Lost The Tight Wranglers Too… Literally
The guy in the black cowboy hat could have lost the huge feather in his hatband.
The pilot of the plane from LA to Dallas made the following announcement just before takeoff: 'Please turn off all electrical items, including Blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, whatever you're calling it this month.'
This Could Get Me To Fly More Often
The cute pilot or co-pilot on the flight from Dallas to Chicago was from south Texas, and he was wearing the cowboy boots to prove it.
If you're a cute American Airlines pilot or co-pilot from south Texas you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com, but if you are the blond queen from The Hamburger Hamlet please e-mail me at email@example.com