recently had to fly to City of Angels for a cousin's wedding ( as I did not have the time to take my preferred form of transportation: the train ) , so here's the first of a series of columns that take a Pretzel Logic look at Los Angeles.
If You Can't Go Direct, This Is The Way To Go
My flight to Los Angeles was by way of Dallas, Texas, which for me is usually a good thing.
It Was A Great Flight To Boot
Unlike my trip this past April to Dallas when I was the only guy in a cowboy hat and boots, this time there were plenty of guys appropriately attired to look at —at Midway, as well as the Dallas and even Los Angeles airports.
If These Dimwits Had Boots On They Might Not Have Been So Annoying
On the flight from Chicago to Dallas I sat next to two hetero frat boys from Vincennes University, one of whom probably didn't need to talk so loudly about how the Secretary of State suspended his driver's license because of a DUI, while the other one had not quite mastered the concept of keeping his elbows reasonably within his side of the arm rest.
Dude, Like I Would Sooooo Like To Have Her Milk Shake!
One of the Vincennes frat boys had on a baseball cap that said 'Bunny Club Milk Shake and Girls!'
Holy Crap Dude, Like I'm So Gonna Need To Amputate My Right Hand!
At one point during the flight, the Vincennes frat boy sitting next to me dropped a pen or something, and when he reached down to get it he grabbed a hold of my left cowboy boot. I could've told him stories that would have made him scream.
At the Dallas airport I had to take the Skylink Shuttle to gate B15 to continue to Dallas but I almost got on the shuttle for the C gates because I was 'distracted' by a short, good looking guy in cowboy attire on that shuttle, only to find out when I got to B15 that the gate had been changed to C30, so I would have been on the right shuttle train after all.
Glutton For Punishment
I keep trying airport fast food Chinese, and it always ends up tasting like crap.
Rude In Any Language
The ladies at the Manchu Wok restaurant at the Dallas airport just stood around chatting away in Spanish even though there was a line of customers waiting to be served ( with me at the front ) , and they did not budge until a supervisor ( who was Latina ) scolded them.
So Right And Yet So Wrong
While in line to get on the flight to LA there was a tall guy in a big ol' straw cowboy hat... coupled with sandals and socks!
What's Even More Embarrassing Is That I Was Doing The Exact Same Thing
Just ahead of me on the gangway while boarding the plane was a family that included a boy of about 7 years who was screaming at the top of his lungs, 'Let me go! I don't want to go! Let me go! No! Just leave me here! Nooooo! Do I have to?!' as he held on to the edge of the plane's doorway for dear life as his father dragged and then forcibly carried him onto the plane.
You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet
As I entered the plane the flight attendant at the plane's door whispered 'In all my years doing this I've never seen anything like that.'
It Runs In The Family
The kid had a baby brother who was probably no more than a year or so, and he was wailing his lungs out to.
If you've witnessed terrified 7 ( or 47 ) -year-olds leaving their fingernails imbedded in the doorways of an airplane, you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me all about it.
If you're the type of guy who wears sandals and socks with his cowboy hat, you can reach me through the 'contact us' link at www.manchuwok.com/