I hadn't planned on writing a third column about my trip to Dallas, but I figured I could better con the IRS into thinking it was an actual ( tax deductible ) business trip if I did... I mean 'because I realized I just had a lot of things I did not have room to mention in the first two Dallas-related columns I wrote.'
Will A Twist-er Come Between Them?
The town of Ennis, TX, is about 4 miles southeast of Alma, TX.
But As Far As I Know There Is No Crestwood, Texas
There is a Midlothian, TX, and Oak Lawn is the name of a neighborhood in Dallas.
If You Don't Get This Joke, Check A Map
The guy from the Roundup who told the wet taco joke mentioned in my last column also told this bit of Texas regional humor: 'Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.'
...There Is A Museum Dedicated To Amy Carter?
One of the places my friend in Texas suggested we visit was the Amon Carter Museum, which led quite naturally to my asking…
The Mother Of His Country
There was a painting at the Amy, I mean 'Amon' Carter Museum entitled 'George Washington at Yorktown,' which shows our first president as a military queen with somewhat effeminate lips, rouge-red cheeks, long hair, and his right hand resting ever so 'don't ask, don't tell' on his hip, while his left hand rests on the barrel of a cannon ( and sometimes a cannon is just a cannon ) .
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Driving with my friend to the Dallas airport for my return flight to Chicago, there was a large plume of smoke arising from the airport, and it wasn't until we were almost at the airport that we realized that it apparently came from some terrorist response drill. For a non-flyer like me, that happy coincidence just made my day.
At Least I Hope It Was Airport Fast Food Chicken Teriyaki
As the plane was filling up, I kept hoping I might get a reasonably good-looking guy sitting on... I mean 'next' to me for the flight back. But, in spite of a couple of near possibilities, I ended up with a late-middle aged woman with no make-up, who smelled vaguely of airport fast food chicken teriyaki.
They All Look Alike To Me
When I booked my trip on American Airlines' website I indicated I wanted fares out of Midway only. It wasn't until a good hour after I landed in Chicago and was waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a friend to pick me up that I finally realized that my return flight was actually to O'Hare. Isn't it nice that the feature on American's website that lets you pick fares out of Midway only, O'Hare only, or both Midway and O'Hare doesn't mean shit?
Take The A-Train
Now, had I been on an Amtrak train that pulled into some station other than Union Station, I would have picked up on that fact right away.
Call It 'O'Hell Airport'
The area where people arriving at O'Hare have to wait to get picked up, which is underground, poorly lit, full of the stench of automobile exhaust, dirty, loud, constructed of concrete and blacktop, and with various lanes of private cars, buses and taxicabs hurling along at high speed between the little islands upon which people stand waiting, is not unlike something out of the Hades of Dante's Inferno.
Now that I've dedicated three whole columns to one damn trip, do you suppose I can now write the whole thing off as a business expense?
If you know of an actual museum dedicated to Amy Carter, feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org, although that e-mail address might soon be changed to email@example.com
If you are an agent with the IRS, feel free to contact me at www.illinois.gov/gov/contactthegovernor.cfm