y last column about my recent travels to Texas to visit a friend of mine who moved there a few years ago got as far as my arrival at the Dallas airport. This one examines what happened when Davey did Dallas.
Made In The USA
We stopped at a gas station/convenience store located out in the Texas boondocks which was all decked out in red, white and blue bunting and at least a half-dozen signs saying 'This business AMERICAN owned/operated,' and which almost certainly had nothing to do with the fact that the gas station next door was owned by a person of East Indian descent.
No Shit
Another sign at the place said it was owned by a 'native Texan.'
Sign O' The Times
A small sign hanging on a wall at a store an hour or more outside of the Dallas area: 'Life is too short to live in Dallas.'
Keep On Truckin'
One day my friend and I drove around the Cedar Hills State Park. One of the more interesting sights was the skinny little bottom boy in his early 20s hopping out of the cab of a semi-trailer truck that was parked in one of the secluded areas of the park.
Arresting Officer
As we were driving toward the park exit we passed a park ranger speeding in the other direction ( towards the 'truck stop' ) , and we wondered if he was going there to make an arrest or try for a three-way.
For Every Lesbian There Is An Equal And Opposite Lesbian
On Friday night, my first night in Dallas, I went to the gay country bar there, the Roundup. While I was leaving the dance floor after dancing a waltz I almost got run over by a lesbian couple who were dancing to the next song. On Sunday at the Roundup I ended up dancing several fast songs with a lesbian ( who did the leading ) after she came over to me, my friend and his newly-found 'special friend' and asked which of us was the best two-stepper, and the two of them pointed to me.
Well, I Used To Like Mexican Food…
I was back at the Roundup on Monday evening for their dance class, and afterwards a few of the regulars invited me to join them for dinner. One of the guys, commenting on why he never wanted to have sex with a woman said, 'They got that wet taco thing goin' on down there.'
Taxi Mister?
I borrowed my friend's Audi to drive to the Monday dance class because my friend had to be elsewhere at that time. Driving back to his place I decided to fill up the gas tank for him. Not being used to driving a high-performance car, I had to answer with a sheepish 'no, regular' when he asked if I had used premium gas in the car, which ( for all you non-lesbians out there ) is what you're supposed to use in such cars. I felt bad, and jokingly said, 'You can tie a rope around me and drag me from the back of your pickup truck -- you know, the old 'Texas taxicab.''
Taxi Mister? Part Two
Maybe I should have more clearly explained to him that it was in fact meant just as a joking reference.
That's 'Mister Sissy' To You, Kid!
While my friend and I were at the Fort Worth Botanic Garden, we were leaving one area when a girl who was probably about five years old and walking right behind me suddenly said out loud to her younger sister 'Sissy, this way.'
Not That I'm Insecure Or Anything
OK, I'll admit it. I did look back to make sure that the kid really did have a younger sister and that she was talking to her.
Even If The 5-Year-Olds Aren't
Also at the Fort Worth Botanic Garden, we saw a sidewalk patch upon which someone wrote in the cement: 'The trees are our friends.'
If you're a good-looking, boot-wearing Texas state park ranger, feel free to e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com
If you're that damn smart-mouthed 5-year old, you can e-mail me at grimreaper@plannedparenthood.org
