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  NIGHTSPOTS

pretzel logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2006-02-01

This article shared 1723 times since Wed Feb 1, 2006
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Having built up a huge collection of newspaper articles for potential use in my column, I decided it was time to clean house for the new year, so here's a Pretzel Logic look at some recent ( and some sort-of-recent ) news story headlines from the Chicago Sun-Times.

You Should Have Seen The One That Got Away

'Teens fishing find human head in Fla.'

Truth In Advertising

I wasn't joking about the term 'headlines.'

A Natural In Double-Talk, It'll Be Going On To Washington, D.C. After It Graduates

'2-jawed trout going to Harvard'

Little Jim's Regulars Self-Destruct At Circuit

'Toads' fatal attraction: disco lights'

The Official Doll Of IML

'Girls beat up on their Barbies, small study says'

His New Boyfriend Is Hung Like A Horse With A Real Killer Dick

'54-year-old pleads guilty after horse-sex death in barn'

As Gay Guys Everywhere Flock To Northbrook

News story headline about an Illinois State trooper who was patrolling the north suburbs: 'Trooper allegedly told pair to take off clothes'

It Celebrated At Little Jim's

'World's oldest animal marks 175th birthday'

Hoosier Daddy?

'Many in rural Ind. use condoms wrong'

Maybe He Thought It Said 'Child Molester's Room'

News story headline about the difficulties experienced by alleged non-pedophile Michael Jackson's new life in the United Arab Emirates: 'Jacko enters ladies room, claims he couldn't read sign'

As Rio Takes Its First Step Towards Luring Michael Jackson To South America

'Transvestite bathrooms may become law in Brazilian city'

It's Always Nice To See A Student With A Burning Desire To Get Good Grades

'Teacher accused of giving passing grades to burn car'

Maybe The Teacher Went Back On The Grade Deal

'School: Teen used ice machine as urinal' and 'Cops: 12-year-old tried to poison teacher'

From Couch Potato To Corpse Potato

'Corpse left in front of TV for 2 years'

He Literally Took Her Hand In Marriage

'Man lops off hands of woman protesting child marriage in India'

Ah Yes, Heterosexual Marriage Is Such A Sacred Thing

News story headline about a guy who reaaaaaaaaally wanted to watch sports on TV and had a claw hammer to prove it: 'Wife slain for wanting to cuddle after sex'

I Hope He Put His Best Foot Forward

'Man with transplanted hands to meet woman with new face'

Sounds Like Someone Was Having A Bit Of A Bad Day

'Man accused of stabbing dog, hurling carcass at police'

Sounds Like He Made It Over To Japan

'30 dog heads found in Tokyo moat'

And Now They're On Their Way To Japan

'300 cats to attend funeral for New York dog'

Equal Opportunity Offender

News story headline about the not-so-Rev. Pat Robertson's comments on Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's massive stroke: 'Robertson: It could be God's punishment'

When Irony And Religion Collide

'Bishop says he was once abused by a priest'

Was It Someone Named 'Damian'?

'Pastor using microphone electrocuted during baptism'

The Pedophilia Became Boring

'Bishop admits embezzling from church'

And They Call Him Mellow Yellow

'Discreet public urination not so bad, says St. Louis pol'

As Rush Limbaugh Gets Into Bluegrass Music

'Appalachian trend: Elderly selling meds to addicts'

And He's An Ugly, Corrupt, Half-Witted, Vote Stealing, Little Bastard Of A Son-Of-A-Bitch As Well, And There's No Need To Thank Me

'Jeb Bush flattered that Castro called him 'fat little brother''

If you're George Bush and you want to e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com my guess is that you are way too freaking dumb to know how to do it.


This article shared 1723 times since Wed Feb 1, 2006
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