I'm not even pretending that there's even the slightest theme to this collection of random items. Think of this as 'free association Pretzel Logic style.'
Now I Know, In A Small Way, What It Must Feel Like To Be Former Illinois Governor ( And Probably-Soon-To-Be-Convicted Bribe-Taking Felon ) George Ryan
In my column about the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus show, 'A Cowboy Christmas,' I joked that while there was no truth to the rumors that the CGMC gave me free front row tickets to their show in return for a full column's worth of space from me. ( And truth be told, they actually didn't. It was all those guys in the cowboy boots, and jeans, and cowboy boots, and cowboy hats, and cowboy boots, and vests, and cowboy boots that did the trick for me, so to speak. ) However, a friend of mine who is in the chorus said he was going to get me a pair of tickets to their next show, 'The Ten Commandments: The Musical.' It's not free vacations to Jamaica and tons of tax-free cash silently slipped to me, but it's a start.
People? Who Needs People?
This past November People listed U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald as one of the sexiest men alive. It's nice to know that the plagiarists at People read Pretzel Logic, since WAY THE FUCK BACK in my column of September 25, 2002 I said ' ...former WorldCom vice president and controller, and alleged felon, David Myers [ is ] boyishly good looking. Another middle aged straight guy with the same sort of appeal is Patrick Fitzgerald, US District Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois. Hmmm, a three-way with the two of them would have sort of a cops & robbers theme to it.'
Let Me Be Brief
I ended that column by saying 'If you too have fantasies about Patrick Fitzgerald's briefs, e-mail me... '
In Case You Have A Blowout
Recent spam subject line: 'Buyer beware - Penis patches!'
Is That A Beak In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Another name for the woodcock is the mudsucker, and you should know that I am talking about birds, you naughty, naughty people.
Is That A Guinea Fowl In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
According to a recipe for a 'Russian doll roast' that I found on line, one of the things you have to do is to 'Place the barded teal inside a well-hung guinea-fowl.'
Ol' Dirty Bustard
The last step is to 'Place the turkey inside an enormous bustard.'
Woodcocks, cocks, woodpeckers, palm warblers, chickenhawks, boobies, anis, lapwings, bustards, whip-poor-wills. Not to mention well-hung guinea fowls. And just who is watching the birdwatchers? It's a good thing that I'm not bittern.
Birds Of A Feather
In late December I received an e-mail from a guy named David who said 'Hello - I'm getting an early start to keeping a New Year's Resolution. ( NYR - Contact writers whose work I enjoy and tell them you do ) . I wanted to let you know I that I really enjoy your writing and look forward to it.' Let's keep those cards and letters ( and e-mails ) coming in, folks.
And My Favorite Flower Is Not The Narcissus
No, I did not write that e-mail to myself, thankyouverymuchyoubitteroldqueenyou.
This past summer I bought one small item at Best Buy and, what with return policies, customer survey info, an acknowledgment that I have received the goods I paid for, and even a little bit of space for the actual purchase, the receipt measured 23' long. A few weeks later another receipt from the same store for one thing came in a close second at 22'.
That's Funny, I Thought Michael Jackson Was Found Not Guilty
Recent newspaper story headline: 'Clown gets 55 years for child molestation.'
If you know other improper-sounding bird names, or if you too have fantasies about Patrick Fitzgerald's briefs, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and let me know all about it.