This column is part of a series that addresses issues frequently affecting gay and lesbian ( as well as many opposite-sex ) relationships. Written by a professional counselor with vignettes based on real people and situations, the series is meant to help support couples through developmental stages and common difficulties.
The Ins and Outs of the Couples Closet
Oliver and Patrick are having some trouble in their relationship. They've lived together for eight years in a nice house in the suburbs, with a well-fed cat and a well-tended lawn. Both have good jobs in offices with coworkers who are unaware that they are gay. In fact, Oliver and Patrick are "in the closet" in virtually all parts of their lives. Except for a handful of friends, no one knows that Oliver and Patrick are lovers.
This is just fine with Oliver, who works in an insurance company and adamantly believes that his sexuality is his own business and nobody else's. He knows he would not be fired for being gay, but he has heard enough of his coworkers' homophobic snickers to know that it just isn't worth it to him to "come out" at work. Oliver also keeps his old friends and all his family in the dark. He thinks his mother and brother might suspect, but no one has asked, and he hopes no one will, because he isn't sure what he'd say.
Oliver isn't interested in gay community events, finding them generally distasteful. He isn't thrilled about being gay, and he doesn't want to pretend he is.
This is Patrick's first real relationship. His mother "sort of knows" he's gay, though they never discuss it, and he has a sister who seems to be fishing for an admission ( "So? How's Oliver?" ) . Like his partner, Patrick is closeted, but not quite as fiercely. He doesn't think being gay is so bad. He wouldn't have chosen it, he says, but it chose him. So he's OK with it.
The truth is, Patrick hadn't really thought much about being gay, until he joined a local gay chorus. He had been wanting to find somewhere to sing with people for awhile, and a friend of his was joining the group, so Patrick took the plunge. He suspected Oliver would be furious, so he didn't tell him until the day he was to attend his first rehearsal.
Right on cue, Oliver exploded. "Are you looking to replace me?" he snapped. "Or just cruising for something on the side? What if someone we know sees you? Do you realize that the chorus is all gay men? What are you thinking?"
Patrick is digging in his heels about being in the chorus. Oliver is frightened, angry, and feels betrayed. He believes that this new development in Patrick's life could threaten their relationship and possibly boomerang back at Oliver by shattering his carefully cultivated privacy.
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Managing different levels of "outness" is an element that is unique to same-sex relationships. Certainly, heterosexuals may hide parts of their sexual or romantic life if they're having anonymous sexual encounters, for example, or if they're having a secret affair. But it's a crucial issue for every gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered ( GLBT ) individual, particularly if they're in a committed same-sex relationship.
Furthermore, coming out is not generally a one-shot deal, where you just do it and it's done. Every new person and every new situation requires a new assessment: How open can I be on this job? How much can I show of myself and my life to this person? How much am I risking if I tell? How bad will I feel if I don't?
Contrary to some political perspectives and some developmental models of what constitutes a healthy gay man or lesbian, being "out" may not make sense for everybody in every area of their lives. Sometimes, the consequences of being openly gay are so intense that it isn't even a possibility, as in many areas around the world, where same-sex sexual activity may be punishable by death or imprisonment. Other times, GLBT people are protected against the harshest punishments, but still are treated as outcasts by their culture or by society at large.
In the United States, violence and other severe consequences continue to plague individuals who engage in same-sex sexual activity. However, for many of us, the cost of being openly gay or lesbian has been reduced to disapproving glances, bad jokes, and a range of displeased reactions from our families. Despite the overall de-escalation of consequences, the fear of disappointing our parents or making our coworkers uncomfortable around us can feel overwhelming. Coming out is not always worth the trouble.
Oliver doesn't need to be openly gay. However, in order to stay in his relationship with Patrick, Oliver may need to deal with his internalized homophobia, i.e., his own negative feelings about being gay and about other gay people. Otherwise, Patrick may need to tiptoe back into his closet, which doesn't seem likely.
Recent models of healthy same-sex relationships indicate that partners' degrees of "outness" don't need to be the same, but they need to be compatible. Oliver and Patrick, for example, need to find a way to avoid stepping on each other's toes. If it's important to Patrick to sing in the local gay chorus, then Oliver has to find a way to deal with it. Maybe he'll ask Patrick not to mention his name to other members of the chorus, or not to mention the chorus to Oliver's friends or family. Or maybe Oliver will meet a few members of the chorus and feel like he can be openly gay in that context but nowhere else.
And maybe Patrick will be OK with that. And maybe he won't. This is such a sticky issue for most GLBT folks that few couples even get past the beginning stage of a relationship if they hold very different views about it.
But when it shows up in the middle of a long-term relationship, it's also possible that the one whose view is changing may be just trying to differentiate from a merged couple situation. In other words, Patrick may be feeling stagnant in his relationship with Oliver and like he has stopped experiencing himself as a separate person with his own ways of thinking and behaving. So he unconsciously tries something different, knowing it will probably vex his partner and certainly force some kind of separateness into the relationship.
If that's the situation, the problem may be very fixable. Instead of focusing on the guys' different approaches to "outness," the solution would center on balancing their "I-ness" with their "we-ness," a common developmental issue for all couples of all genders.
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E-mail questions or ideas for columns to Paula at paulajean@msn.com . Paula Walowitz, M.A., LPC, is a counselor in private practice who works with couples and individuals. She can be reached at 773-293-3688.
MOVING HEALTH
by Jim Stoltz
Recently, I moved from my beloved home in Chicago to Minneapolis. While not my choice, I'm convinced that it will be a good move for me. Or, at least I'm trying to convince myself of that. It's not that I don't like Minneapolis. I don't dislike the place. It's simply a hard adjustment. Moving is one of those high stress things that can cause us to feel sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, etc. Anytime you go from something familiar to something unfamiliar or new, there is always a sense of discomfort. When we get this way, we long for the comforting things. Things that make us feel that not everything has changed, that some things are stable. We want to feel safe in this new place, like the safe little world that we left behind.
This discomfort occurs even if the move ( or whatever the new experience is ) happens to be good for us. Unfortunately, we too often confuse that feeling of discomfort with the idea that we are doing something wrong. Just because something doesn't feel good, doesn't mean that it's not a good idea.
It's like buying a new pair of shoes. Let me explain this. New shoes need to be broken in. These shoes could be the best looking, most expensive, trendy shoes, but they still need to be broken in before they feel good. Sometimes people can't get through the discomfort of the new shoes, so they don't wear them and they sit in the closet for weeks. Until we really need to wear them, then we tough it out and put them back on. This process may continue through several attempts until the shoes are broken in and become your most favorite pair of shoes ever.
In life, the discomfort that goes along with change sometimes is too much to bear. It makes us feel unsafe and we either gather up our resources and face it or run away. Or, maybe we throw ourselves into some other behavior so we don't have to think about all of the discomfort that we're experiencing. Finally, we might sit through the discomfort and end up changing the way we think about the whole situation and realize it's not as bad as we first thought.
As GLBT people, feeling safe is a very important concept. We usually spend the early part of our lives being afraid because of our sexuality. Fearing what people would do if they found out. Will they treat us differently, not like us or even become physically violent. Fearing the consequences that inevitably come with being honest can be very uncomfortable. Sometimes we do the gathering resources and dealing with it thing. Remember the first time you held hands walking down Halsted Street? How empowering it felt, how liberating? And how it felt just a little dangerous, like you were breaking the rules? Of course it did, you were. There is a certain kind of rush that comes with breaking the rules.
However, as exciting as that may have been, we typically don't want to live our whole lives feeling like we could get arrested for making out in public. We don't want to have to think about whether or not we can walk down the street hand in hand with our partner. We don't want it to have to be an issue. We start changing the way we think about it.
There is a desire to be somewhere where we feel safe most of the time. Hence, we have rainbow pylons, GLBT bars and clubs, our own restaurants, healthcare, retail stores and re-sale shops. We use these to create a sense of community. These communities make us feel safe. That word, community, has become very important to me lately. I've realized how important this thing, this community thing really is. I didn't know how lucky I had it in Chicago. It's so easy to feel part of something in Chicago, with its clearly defined GLBT safe geographic areas. There are two, possibly more, distinct and clear GLBT communities in Chicago. Both of them providing safety in their zip codes.
We all want to feel safe. We're hard wired to make our lives appear safe to us.
Notice I'm not saying that they actually are safe. Sometimes we create the feeling of safety by distorting reality to make it seem safe. Like the person who stays in an abusive relationship, we twist what is real to make it fit with what we think, or want to think, is real. We are more focused on the illusion of safety than actual safety itself. The idea that Lakeview, for example, is safe for GLBT people is actually an illusion. I remember seeing some statistics from a research project on hate crimes in Chicago. More hate crimes against gays happen in Lakeview than in other parts of the city. Along with the fact that there are more of us there, everybody knows that there are more of us there. If you were some angry young man who, for one reason or another, wanted to, "pound on some queers," you would know right where to go to find them. Sometimes, our need for safety puts us in very unsafe situations. Because we want to feel like part of the gay community ( safe ) we choose to live in a highly visible and well-known gay neighborhood ( unfortunately, not so safe ) . Fortunately, nature has way of righting it self. Because we chose to move there, the property values went up and now half of us can't afford to live there anymore. So we end up moving somewhere else and starting the process all over again.
So, if I'm going to listen to my own advice, all I have to do is; sit with my discomfort, not distort reality by making it better or worse than it actually is, not throw myself into work, don't call my best friend and make her tell me all about her life then act like everything's fine here, don't change my mind completely and come running home and eventually everything will work out.
No problem.
