Bar Trade
from Studio 2000
Pubert schools 'apt pupil' Stephen Kink about the 'dark half' of movies. These 'firestarters' work the 'graveyard shift' to go the extra 'green mile' and give 'IT' a thumbs up or down. So 'stand by me,' grab your popcorn, your dog 'Cujo' and get ready for another sCarrie review, you dirty bird!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: What do you think of the cover?
Stephen: It makes me miss Madrigals. And when the strippers at the Lucky Horseshoe were allowed to eat!
P: I was the bar trade at the Shoe the other night... .
We enter a stripper bar and get a front row seat for the show.
P: It is just like Madrigals was, red curtains and all.
S: They all dance like a bad Paula Abdul video. Straight up tell me, Pubie.
P: How many people are in the room? Two?
S: Eww, look at him bump and grind.
P: This is not sexual at all. I like his little pants, though.
S: When the hottest thing is the pants on a stripper, Houston, we have a problem.
P: Who's the dirty young kid? Looks like Matt Damon.
S: He looks like a serial killer, 'I am going to get you, stripper!'
P: The dancers are bad like the ones in real life.
S: He took a bow! What is with you and me and the straight guy theme?
P: I guess guys just think it's hot, so it's a recurring theme. Now we are moving to the back room.
S: Can't we get a little privacy for the paying customers?
P: Looks like the honeymoon suiute in Superman 2.
S: Yeah, with all the red and pillows.
P: Pubes trimmed within an inch of their lives.
S: I like a big beefy guy with a little penis, like a hug from Jesus.
P: Vienna sausage.
S: The guy is bulky, with nothing going on down under. The straight guy at least keeps his eyes closed. 'Think of Sheila, don't think of a guy sucking me... '
P: When he's done he goes to look for his crazy stalker customer.
S: Nice outfit.
P: But a straight guy wouldn't dress that nice.
S: The Queer Eye show has given away all our secrets. My gaydar is fucked!
P: Then there is the killer again. The guy that killed JonBenet Ramsey is here in the video!
S: Yeah, he bothers me.
P: Why's his penis so black? It's big and darker than the rest of his body.
S: I think there is some Latino blood in him.
P: I think their a little serial killer in him, too.
S: And silicone in his tits. I think he got a hold of some saline or something.
P: The light is bad on the set and makes him look even darker.
S: Where are they? In some Pier One designed house?
P: With hand-drawn cracks in fireplace--hilarious!
S: The music is the Casio version of 'Let the Music Play.' Hit Bossanova!
P: They both looks crazy. This is like Jeffrey Dahmer fucks Jack the Ripper.
S: He has been beaten on that butt.
P: The serial killer customer is talking to the stripper again. He tries to make him jealous by taking a different guy to the back room.
S: Who designed the set? Looks like Genie's bottle.
P: Well, the straight stripper learned how to 69, be a bottom and piss off a customer all in one day!
S: His penis is like Mr. Bendy.
P: It's pointing north like a compass.
S: Now the straight stripper is getting fucked, hold the phone here!
Quote of the film: 'I think I am not completely straight.'
P: Newsflash, the man taking money for sex with customers is not straight.
S: I am not buying it. There's a lot of limp dick in this movie.
P: There are some redeeming factors. The filming is good and some of the guys are hot.
S: Maybe a pinkie up the butt.
P: I don't think so.
Pubert: Thumbs down the throat.
Stephen: Thumbs down the throat.
Not enough Bar Trade? Purchase it online www.studio2000video.com .
Bar Trade a little dangerous for you? Read a different article online. Go to www.windycitymediagroup.com and type in Pubert.
