from Studio 2000
Pubert schools 'apt pupil' Stephen Kink about the 'dark half' of movies. These 'firestarters' work the 'graveyard shift' to go the extra 'green mile' and give 'IT' a thumbs up or down. So 'stand by me,' grab your popcorn, your dog 'Cujo' and get ready for another sCarrie review, you dirty bird!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: What do you think of the cover?
Stephen: It makes me miss Madrigals. And when the strippers at the Lucky Horseshoe were allowed to eat!
P: I was the bar trade at the Shoe the other night... .
We enter a stripper bar and get a front row seat for the show.
P: It is just like Madrigals was, red curtains and all.
S: They all dance like a bad Paula Abdul video. Straight up tell me, Pubie.
P: How many people are in the room? Two?
S: Eww, look at him bump and grind.
P: This is not sexual at all. I like his little pants, though.
S: When the hottest thing is the pants on a stripper, Houston, we have a problem.
P: Who's the dirty young kid? Looks like Matt Damon.
S: He looks like a serial killer, 'I am going to get you, stripper!'
P: The dancers are bad like the ones in real life.
S: He took a bow! What is with you and me and the straight guy theme?
P: I guess guys just think it's hot, so it's a recurring theme. Now we are moving to the back room.
S: Can't we get a little privacy for the paying customers?
P: Looks like the honeymoon suiute in Superman 2.
S: Yeah, with all the red and pillows.
P: Pubes trimmed within an inch of their lives.
S: I like a big beefy guy with a little penis, like a hug from Jesus.
P: Vienna sausage.
S: The guy is bulky, with nothing going on down under. The straight guy at least keeps his eyes closed. 'Think of Sheila, don't think of a guy sucking me... '
P: When he's done he goes to look for his crazy stalker customer.
S: Nice outfit.
P: But a straight guy wouldn't dress that nice.
S: The Queer Eye show has given away all our secrets. My gaydar is fucked!
P: Then there is the killer again. The guy that killed JonBenet Ramsey is here in the video!
S: Yeah, he bothers me.
P: Why's his penis so black? It's big and darker than the rest of his body.
S: I think there is some Latino blood in him.
P: I think their a little serial killer in him, too.
S: And silicone in his tits. I think he got a hold of some saline or something.
P: The light is bad on the set and makes him look even darker.
S: Where are they? In some Pier One designed house?
P: With hand-drawn cracks in fireplace--hilarious!
S: The music is the Casio version of 'Let the Music Play.' Hit Bossanova!
P: They both looks crazy. This is like Jeffrey Dahmer fucks Jack the Ripper.
S: He has been beaten on that butt.
P: The serial killer customer is talking to the stripper again. He tries to make him jealous by taking a different guy to the back room.
S: Who designed the set? Looks like Genie's bottle.
P: Well, the straight stripper learned how to 69, be a bottom and piss off a customer all in one day!
S: His penis is like Mr. Bendy.
P: It's pointing north like a compass.
S: Now the straight stripper is getting fucked, hold the phone here!
Quote of the film: 'I think I am not completely straight.'
P: Newsflash, the man taking money for sex with customers is not straight.
S: I am not buying it. There's a lot of limp dick in this movie.
P: There are some redeeming factors. The filming is good and some of the guys are hot.
S: Maybe a pinkie up the butt.
P: I don't think so.
Pubert: Thumbs down the throat.
Stephen: Thumbs down the throat.
Not enough Bar Trade? Purchase it online www.studio2000video.com .
Bar Trade a little dangerous for you? Read a different article online. Go to www.windycitymediagroup.com and type in Pubert.