Pubert recruits daredevil Colon Farehole out of the phone booth and into the porn booth to get help with his adult minority report. This S.W.A.T. team will stop bad movies in their tracks and promise a new world through their commentary. So grab your popcorn, your lube and enjoy the ride!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: Wow, this one won 'Best Gay Film' in 1984.
Colon: The back cover looks like Brokeback Mountain.
P: Well, this one was way ahead of its time.
C: Harmonica solo during the opening credits.
P: I feel like Sissy Spacek might just walk up singing Coal Miner's Daughter.
Begins with a cute worker getting a blowjob.
C: Aww, the birds are chirping.
P: Where is the lead-up? Where did they meet?
C: They didn't care about plot back then. They just get down to business.
P: They're dubbing in the moans and groans.
C: This is home movie quality.
P: Yeah, kinda Super 8. They used stop action photography when he came.
A Lincoln Continental pulls up with a man cruising for some trade.
P: Now you are getting the plot you were worried about.
C: That's no limousine, bitch!
P: And they are going to his room.
C: Apparently in the '80s, they walked around naked all the time.
P: At least they waited until they got back home.
C: Listen to those sound effects, sounds like Close Encounter of the Gay Kind.
P: This scene is hot.
C: Yeah, more real, uninhibited.
P: He just said 'ow.' Seems realistic...
C: He's in pain. It is like Cirque Du Soleil, the way he's twisted like a pretzel.
P: He just yelled at the guy to relax!
C: Well, I guess he is relaxed now because it looks like it is working for him.
P: That cum shot went on for a while.
Two guys go to breakfast and get a little frisky in the restaurant.
C: Didn't his parents teach him to not talk with his mouth full? I can't hear his lines.
P: Um, he is giving him a handjob underneath the table.
C: Watch out for the cornflakes at that restaurant!
P: No one else is paying attention.
C: Haha, he looks guilty though.
P: This is going on for a long time. They are beginning to look nervous.
C: I hope he cums before the check comes.
P: And he scores!!!
C: Can you imagine the next person that sits at that table?
P: There is going to more than gum under their chair.
C: And he is back to eating his cornbeef hash now.
This is followed by a swimming pool scene...
P: We get a little underwater action.
C: You gotta watch out for the restaurant, the pool, what's next? The gym?!?
P: I have seen that before... wouldn't surprise me.
C: The guy watching the pool antics just came on the windowpane of his hotel room.
P: And we get a surprise romantic ending.
C: This is a long movie.
P: Feature length. Hey, if people can get through 3 hours of Pirates of the Caribbean then they can handle this one!
C: This video is raw, baby.
P: They were different back then, just take it out and go to town.
C: The guys are really into it. Not posing like many videos today.
P: I am really surprised how much I like this video. I need to go retro more often. The owner of the Bijou made this video happen. I talked to him at IML and it is a real labor of love restoring classics.
C: And it is not all about the Screenplay.
Pubert: Thumbs up the butt
Colon: Thumbs up the butt
To get lost in the Screenplay, go to www.bijouworld.com
What do you think about a whole month of retro porn? Send your opinion to firstname.lastname@example.org