Pubert recruits daredevil Colon Farehole out of the phone booth and into the porn booth to get help with his adult minority report. This S.W.A.T. team will stop bad movies in their tracks and promise a new world through their commentary. So grab your popcorn, your lube and enjoy the ride!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: It's like frat boys gone wild. After Gay Pride, I thought it would be fun to watch a straight video.
Colon: I guess they couldn't afford a background.
Pubert: It has a 'Dude Index' on the DVD Menu.
Straight off the block, we begin with a question and answer from the cameraman to his subject, supposed straight guy Johnny Lust.
C: Is that an $89 futon from Kmart that he's sitting on?
P: Johnny looks nervous. He seems straight to me.
C: He doesn't seem like he is faking. He reminds me of someone.
P: What is he focusing on? Is he watching straight porn or thinking of his girlfriend?
C: His dick has a big head and a little body, like an alien penis.
Bud is next.
C: Is he 12? He says he is 22. He looks like a redneck.
P: Eww, he is gross. I am trying to eat. Eating salad, watching porn, what a life!
C: 'I am so mad, I have to jack off!'- that is what Bud is acting like.
P: He is dry as a bone. No lube.
C: Is that a Soloflex in the background?
P: If so, then he needs to work out more.
P: He doesn't seem straight to me.
C: He's a 'mo. Baldheaded Gus needs to help him out to cum!
P: It's long and skinny, like a bad piece of meat. I just got the chills.
C: He's not much of a show-er, he can't even get it up.
After that, Dirk and Nancy are brought in as part of this Jerry Springer video.
P: He is drinking beer and she has cognac in a snifter, classy. Kinda like Sid and Nancy with all her tattoos. 'What about the farewell drugs, Sid?'
C: She's from a trailer park in South Dakota, right? She's telling the longest story in porn history about how they met.
P: She just coughed. Nice hack, Nancy!
C: I am sure she went to finishing school somewhere.
P: Do I sense sarcasm, Colon?
After they shag, we get Trevor.
P: He's chewing gum while they are interviewing him. That is so irritating.
C: Trevor is so white, he looks like the albino in the DaVinci Code!
P: I am gonna throw this video Over the Hedge, speaking of summer movies.
C: The legends are not true; just because they are straight does not make them hotter. He is the weird crayon in the box.
Our adventure in straightdom continues with solo scenes from Austin, Zae, Luis, James and Vlad. Some are gay, some are straight and some are... who really cares?
C: I have never wanted to end a video so quick.
P: The music and sets were so bad. What was with the flyaway graphics at the beginning?
C: The sets suck. No budget.
P: I will call this video Gay Men Don't Care if Straight Men Cum at All!
Pubert: Big thumbs down the throat.
Colon: Thumbs down the straight throat.
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