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Windy City Times 2023-12-13



from the booth: Rough Trade, from Bijou World
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
by Randy Pubert

This article shared 6698 times since Wed Feb 7, 2007
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Colon: I like the color-washed tones.

Pubert: These covers are made or restored with the help of the Bijou's owner.

We begin our porn from the past in a recording studio.

C: He looks like Johnny Depp from the movie Blow in that leisure suit.

P: And where is he going in the cab?

C: To a hotel room, where else?

P: No foreplay in this hotel room. Look at his tan line.

C: This was made in 1980 with some leftover '70s.

P: The picture is very grainy. It feels like we are watching it on the big screen.

C: Very retro hipster. That scene ended uneventfully--they just stopped and got dressed.

P: It is leading us to the next scene. It's Home Improvement porn style!

C: Nothing says Rough Trade like hot construction workers.

P: They are working on the leisure suit guy's house.

C: One on the water tower and one guy is working on the elevator shaft.

P: And Mr. Telephone Man has arrived. Oh, this is getting interesting.

C: He is smoking weed with the telephone man. This must have been before mandatory drug testing.

P: This movie is only rated X so maybe not a lot of sex.

C: Honey, there better be after an hour and a half of exposition!

P: The guy is about to fall off the water tower. Looks like he is hooking up with the elevator shaft guy.

C: And Telephone and Johnny Depp are going inside to cut a rug.

P: They cannot get his pants off, too tight. Talk about a wardrobe malfunction.

C: That is what happens when you wear your little sister's jeans.

P: He left his tool belt on.

C: Hot!

P: Hot, yet classic.

C: Water tower guy is eating McDonald's out of a Styrofoam container. I miss those.

P: Well trans fat doesn't seem to be affecting him. Nice abs.

C: Were there no razors in the '80s? He's au naturale.

P: He's fisting the telephone man now. Is that part of AT&T's service now?

C: How do you go from phone service to fisting in under 2 minutes?

P: Sounds like an ad campaign. Well, at least he's not dropping calls.

C: He's also not using any lube. How does he take it?

P: Is that smoke? The reefer's on fire!

C: The elevator shaft scene is hot too.

P: In the elevator we have a grocery store delivery guy and the telephone man stuck inside.

C: With nothing to do, they decide to play with his hungry ass.

P: They are feeding it with a stalk of celery. Is this sponsored by the Food Network?

C: They're using Crisco to make it slide in.

P: Now he's going for a cucumber.

C: My Peapod guy could learn from this.

P: Can you imagine the XXX version of this movie?

C: The old fashioned phone is next. I knew that was coming!

P: I have seen a lot of shit but never someone fucked by phone. A phone company, yes... .

C: The eggplant is too big for him. He just slid two hands up in him. It's a double-fister, mister.

P: Is that some kind of meat product?

C: He's playing hide the salami.

P: I think it's knockwurst. We know he's not a vegetarian now.

C: He just took off the wrapper.

P: Now corn on the cob? He has had a whole salad up that ass.

C: I have seen it all now.

P: I am scared of what else is hiding in my porn collection.

C: Finally the elevator starts working and a blind man gets on.

P: That is the plot right there. He has no idea what they just did.

C: Please, you can smell Crisco!

P: We have to give this movie a thumbs up the butt for the elevator scene alone.

C: Yeah, give me Rough Trade any day!

Pubert: Celery up the butt.

Colon: Eggplant up the butt.

We would like to congratulate Bijou on their recent nomination for Screenplay. To read that past review and others go to and type 'Pubert.'

To get your salad tossed go to .

This article shared 6698 times since Wed Feb 7, 2007
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