Windy City Media Group Frontpage News


home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Pre-order Book!
Pre-order Book!



from the booth: Rough Trade, from Bijou World
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
by Randy Pubert

This article shared 6057 times since Wed Feb 7, 2007
facebook twitter pin it google +1 reddit email

Colon: I like the color-washed tones.

Pubert: These covers are made or restored with the help of the Bijou's owner.

We begin our porn from the past in a recording studio.

C: He looks like Johnny Depp from the movie Blow in that leisure suit.

P: And where is he going in the cab?

C: To a hotel room, where else?

P: No foreplay in this hotel room. Look at his tan line.

C: This was made in 1980 with some leftover '70s.

P: The picture is very grainy. It feels like we are watching it on the big screen.

C: Very retro hipster. That scene ended uneventfully--they just stopped and got dressed.

P: It is leading us to the next scene. It's Home Improvement porn style!

C: Nothing says Rough Trade like hot construction workers.

P: They are working on the leisure suit guy's house.

C: One on the water tower and one guy is working on the elevator shaft.

P: And Mr. Telephone Man has arrived. Oh, this is getting interesting.

C: He is smoking weed with the telephone man. This must have been before mandatory drug testing.

P: This movie is only rated X so maybe not a lot of sex.

C: Honey, there better be after an hour and a half of exposition!

P: The guy is about to fall off the water tower. Looks like he is hooking up with the elevator shaft guy.

C: And Telephone and Johnny Depp are going inside to cut a rug.

P: They cannot get his pants off, too tight. Talk about a wardrobe malfunction.

C: That is what happens when you wear your little sister's jeans.

P: He left his tool belt on.

C: Hot!

P: Hot, yet classic.

C: Water tower guy is eating McDonald's out of a Styrofoam container. I miss those.

P: Well trans fat doesn't seem to be affecting him. Nice abs.

C: Were there no razors in the '80s? He's au naturale.

P: He's fisting the telephone man now. Is that part of AT&T's service now?

C: How do you go from phone service to fisting in under 2 minutes?

P: Sounds like an ad campaign. Well, at least he's not dropping calls.

C: He's also not using any lube. How does he take it?

P: Is that smoke? The reefer's on fire!

C: The elevator shaft scene is hot too.

P: In the elevator we have a grocery store delivery guy and the telephone man stuck inside.

C: With nothing to do, they decide to play with his hungry ass.

P: They are feeding it with a stalk of celery. Is this sponsored by the Food Network?

C: They're using Crisco to make it slide in.

P: Now he's going for a cucumber.

C: My Peapod guy could learn from this.

P: Can you imagine the XXX version of this movie?

C: The old fashioned phone is next. I knew that was coming!

P: I have seen a lot of shit but never someone fucked by phone. A phone company, yes... .

C: The eggplant is too big for him. He just slid two hands up in him. It's a double-fister, mister.

P: Is that some kind of meat product?

C: He's playing hide the salami.

P: I think it's knockwurst. We know he's not a vegetarian now.

C: He just took off the wrapper.

P: Now corn on the cob? He has had a whole salad up that ass.

C: I have seen it all now.

P: I am scared of what else is hiding in my porn collection.

C: Finally the elevator starts working and a blind man gets on.

P: That is the plot right there. He has no idea what they just did.

C: Please, you can smell Crisco!

P: We have to give this movie a thumbs up the butt for the elevator scene alone.

C: Yeah, give me Rough Trade any day!

Pubert: Celery up the butt.

Colon: Eggplant up the butt.

We would like to congratulate Bijou on their recent nomination for Screenplay. To read that past review and others go to and type 'Pubert.'

To get your salad tossed go to .

This article shared 6057 times since Wed Feb 7, 2007
facebook twitter pin it google +1 reddit email

Windy City Media Group does not approve or necessarily agree with the views posted below.
Please do not post letters to the editor here. Please also be civil in your dialogue.
If you need to be mean, just know that the longer you stay on this page, the more you help us.


Gay News

SAVOR Optima; Booth One brunch 2018-07-01
DISH Weekly Dining Guide - Optima Chicago (1252 N. Wells St.;, a newcomer to the Old Town area of Chicago, stands out in at least a couple ways. First, the spot (which is more casual than you might think) is ...

Gay News

Northalsted Pride Fest photos 2018-06-19
- Pride Fest heated up Boystown on June 16 and 17 with record numbers and high temperatures. Fashion shows, a variety of vendor booths and talented performers were all part of the fun. Photos by Jerry Nunn ...

Gay News

Queer Prom on June 1 2018-05-23
- Queer Prom 2018 will take place Friday, June 1, 6:30-11 p.m., at the National Museum of Mexican Art, 1852 W. 19th St. The 13th annual Queer Prom will feature dancing, food and een information booths about ...

Gay News

South Side beach party entertains, raises awareness 2017-08-28
- Fahrenheit Chicago-Pride South on the Lake kicked off an all-day gathering at Oakwood Beach on Aug. 27. Equality Illinois and AIDS Foundation on Chicago hosted the South Side beach party. Vendor booths surrounded the lakeshore area, ...

Gay News

Artist Sam Kirk designs Comcast re-usable bags 2017-06-09
- Comcast announced today that artist Sam Kirk has created a special reusable Chicago-themed bag for the company. The bag will be available at the Xfinity booth at community events Comcast is sponsoring and participating in in ...

Gay News

'Queer Prom' May 26 2017-05-24
- The 12th Annual Queer Prom will take place Friday, May 26, at 6:30 p.m. at the National Museum of Mexican Art, 1852 W. 19th St. There will be food, music (by DJ OCD) and information booths. ...

Gay News

Travel/adventure show arrives at Rosemont 2017-01-24
Special to the online edition of Windy City Times - More than 250 exhibitors descended upon the Rosemont's Donald E. Stephens Convention Center for Jan. 21-22 at the Travel & Adventure Show. Booth after booth filled out the convention center with stages for performances and demonstrations ...

Gay News

Dining news: Openings and reopenings; St. Patrick's options 2016-03-08
Special to the online edition of Windy City Times - —The Boundary, 1932 W. Division St., is closed to the public and will reopen Friday, March 11, at 11 a.m. as the bar/grill undergoes a renovation. The remodeling includes replacing all booths with rolling high-top tables ...

Gay News

CPD makes push for LGBT recruits 2016-01-11
- Officers from the Chicago Police Department (CPD) will, on January 14 from 6-7 p.m., be available at a booth at Center on Halsted, 3656 N. Halsted St., as part of an outreach to recruit members from ...

Gay News

WORLD AIDS DAY Center on Halsted event offers info, inspiration 2015-12-09
- The Center on Halsted's World AIDS Day event Dec. 5 was as much about information as commemoration. Booths lined the Center's third-floor lobby, representing organizations that included Lurie Children's Hospital, Janssen, the American Red ...

Gay News

Northalsted Market Days in photos 2015-08-12
- It was that time of year when cars are removed from the streets of Boystown, and the area between Belmont Avenue to Addison Street on Halsted Street is filled with vendor booths and stages. Northalsted Market ...

Gay News

NUNN ON ONE: TELEVISION Emily Deschanel makes no 'Bones' about it 2015-04-15
- The crime drama Bones has brought skeletons out of the closet for 10 seasons on Fox Each episode centers around a mystery of human remains investigated by FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth played David Boreanaz and ...

Gay News

Men Having Babies hosts parenting expo 2014-09-16
Special to the online edition of Windy City Times - Men Having Babies, Inc. organized a surrogacy seminar and gay parenting expo on Sept. 13 at the Center on Halsted. More than 50 couples perused the showcased fertility booths, attended the various workshops about finances and ...

Gay News

Knight at the Movies: Neighbors; Stage Fright; film notes 2014-05-07
- How many dick jokes can you get into one frat comedy? That's like asking how many clowns can you get in one clown car or how many crazed frat guys can you stuff into one phone booth. (Anyone else remember phone ...

Gay News

Valerie Jarrett discusses business, community growth 2014-02-10
- White House Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett was in Chicago for a discussion hosted by World Business Chicago, at the Gleacher Center of the University of Chicago Booth School of Business Feb. 10. Mayor Rahm Emanuel introduced ...


Copyright © 2021 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.








About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots      OUT! Guide     
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam      Outguide Categories      Outguide Advertisers      Search Outguide      Travel      Dining Out      Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.