Pubert recruits daredevil Colon Farehole out of the phone booth and into the porn booth to get help with his adult minority report. This S.W.A.T. team will stop bad movies in their tracks and promise a new world through their commentary. So grab your popcorn, your lube and enjoy the ride!
Judging a Porn By Its Cover
Pubert: I picked this video for our special gift guide issue... great title!
Colon: I'm going on a holiday with this cold weather outside!
P: They are covering up their privates with a bull, a sombrero and guitar.
C: Water ripple effect on the DVD menu.
British boys go on a vacation to Costa Blanca. Over the opening credits we follow alng with a map across the world to our destination...
P: Oh gawd, one of the stars is named Elixir. Wonder what he is a mix of?
C: What crazy Caribbean music we have here. Is that Il Divo?
P: Well, it sure ain't Barbra! Sounds like Ricky Martin or David Bisbol to me.
C: And our first scene is a bedroom scenario, a tongue up the butt.
P: He has too many moles on his back.
C: Every hotel should offer this as a wakeup call. Must be his job title-- Wake-up Boi.
P: This company Freshwave likes to use twinks, beware.
C: Their penis heads are bright red.
P: Just in time for Christmas—Rudolph and his red hose.
C: These guys are switching positions so fast.
P: It's the youthful energy.
C: That's a stocking stuffer right there. That hole is getting worked.
P: He just came on his face and then he kissed him. Where's the mistletoe?
Solo scene is next with one of the boyz.
P: He is looking at a porno magazine to get inspired.
C: Look at all that porn in the top drawer!
P: I hope that none of his friends want to borrow that.
C: The linens match the curtains in his bedroom.
P: Will you pay attention!?!
C: So much for the holiday cheer, I think his bedroom is from a Roll Back sale at Walmart.
P: He looks barely legal. They are playing Peanuts music.
C: It's the Great Homo, Charlie Brown.
Following that we go poolside. ' Look at that package,' one of the blokes says.
P: Look at those abs is what I say. When did he eat last?
C: It's genetics.
P: Is it cold on this vacation? One of them is wearing a sweater vest.
C: Well, the other one is laying out naked so it must not be. He just covered up with his sarong.
P: A different guy followed him into the nearby woods.
C: His bird looks big.
P: I didn't know the British were so proper when they have sex in the forest.
C: His highlights are out of control. Put down that box of hair dye and walk away next time!
P: And his penis is too veiny.
At night they all go out to have fun at the bars.
P: This is like the MTV show The Real World. Someone is gonna get drunk and fucked.
C: It's Brits Gone Wild!
Instead, they all get up to eat at the Spanish villa the next morning.
P: This breakfast begins with a bang!
C: Bam! Bam!
P: Look at the horrible tie-dyed shirt.
C: He has on a wedding band. I like his cakes.
P: What cakes?
C: His cupcakes, I want to eat 'em.
P: Uh oh, they are all moving out to the deck for a four-way.
C: Like a buffet line.
P: That one looks yellow in the light.
C: They keep fading in and out, like a Harry Potter movie.
P: The Brits like their magic.
C: They should fly back to England.
P: I wish I could recommend this as a gift under the Christmas tree, but it is more like a lump of coal in the sock!
C: I am gonna stay at home if this is my Package Holiday.
P: Thumbs down the throat.
C: Thumbs down the throat.
Give this as a gift to someone who likes twinks and magic by visiting www.freshwave.ltd.uk.
To read past articles to get ideas for different gifts go to www.windycitymediagroup.com and type in 'Pubert'. Porn, the gift that keeps on giving!
And type in 'Pubert.'