|
|
dateland
by Jennifer Parello 2007-09-12
|
|
This article shared 2700 times since Wed Sep 12, 2007
|
|
What they don't tell you in lesbian school is that when you get involved in a relationship, you also get in a relationship with your new girlfriend's friends. This can prove to be a strain on the relationship. Let's use my current Lady Friend as an example. My Lady Friend's mother died when she was quite young and her motherless upbringing has made her an easy target for older, domineering women who want to run her life. There is Melody, a Joni Mitchell look-alike who wears flowing caftans and is on a first-name basis with her homeopath. Melody sends daily emails demanding that my Lady Friend try a new herbal supplement or cut down on dairy. Then there's was the leader of my Lady Friend's knitting circle-Christa, an imposing woman with a blonde pompadour, who once invited me to a private lunch at her home, where I endured several painful hours of questioning about my romantic history. I left the luncheon confident that I had failed to meet Christa's rigorous standards, which my Lady Friend later confirmed. 'She says that you are flighty and that you don't know the proper way to hold a fork,' my Lady Friend reported
And, of course, there is Nadia, the nuclear chemist. When I first met Nadia, I suspected that she was at least slightly mad—possibly the result of spending too much time around radioactive chemicals. Nadia dotes on my Lady Friend in a distracted, haphazard manner. She forgets her birthday, yet she'll call in the middle of the night to warn her to dress for severe weather the following morning.
On Sundays, we attend brunch at the mansion Nadia and her husband, Bernard, bought with money Bernard received from one of his inventions. Bernard's inventions have no practical applications in the real world. Rather, they are complex equations meant to manipulate tiny fragments of space. Bernard tried to explain them to me once but it was as hopeless as attempting to describe the concept of color to a blind person. Once, when I was on the verge of comprehending a particular aspect of Bernard's theory on the continuum of deformable bodies, I felt my soul slipping from my body and I feared I was being sucked into a quantum netherworld ruled by odd little quarks and leptons. That was the last time I asked Bernard about his work.
Nadia presides over brunch as the madcapped mistress of ceremonies. She sweeps through the house in one of the crisp field general-like suits she favors, sprinkling confusing non-sequiturs into the conversation, and ordering her guests to try the Wackadoodle, a dessert of her own creation that I am at a loss to describe.
Occasionally she puts us to work, demanding that we vacuum a bedroom or paint the garage. She cites high-minded Socialist principles when sending us off to our chores, claiming that the only way to get to know people is by working beside them. But I suspect she's simply too stingy to hire laborers to do the work.
Yesterday, after a particularly exhausting brunch at Nadia's home, my Lady Friend and I got into an argument over whose friends are more impossible. She finally conceded that my friends—or, as my Lady Friend likes to refer to them, 'that bunch of drunks you call friends'—are easier to take because, although they may pass out on our floor on occasion, they would never make us clean their gutters or eat anything called Wakadoodle.
Hey! I wrote a book. It's a novel called Dateland. In the words of the great showman Mike Todd, 'It ain't Shakespeare, but it's Laffs.' You can buy it at Unabridged Books and on Amazon.
|
 |
|
 |
This article shared 2700 times since Wed Sep 12, 2007
|
ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE |
---|
| 
|  | MUSIC Ty Herndon releasing 'personal' album 'Jacob' on July 15 2022-05-13 - Out gay Grammy-nominated and Dove Award-winning country artist Ty Herndon announced the release date of his forthcoming album, Jacob. Jacobcalled Herndon's "most personal album to date"will be out July 15. ...
| 
|  | 'LGBT Milwalkee' project earns first round of funding 2022-05-06 -- From a press release. LGBT Milwaukee history video below - Milwaukee, WI. - Thanks to generous financial support, the LGBT MILWALKEE project has achieved its first round of fundraising goals and will launch a local walking tour app on Thursday, June 1. "To date, we've received ...
| 
|  | Inaugural 'River North Live' taking place June 24-26 2022-05-06 - River North Residents Association announced that its annual festival, formerly Taste of River North, will return with a new venue, date and concept for 2022. Taking place June 24-26, River North Live will feature world-class artists ...
| 
|  | MUSIC Lil Nas X reveals dates for his first-ever tour 2022-04-26 - Grammy-winning, multi-platinum-selling queer rapper Lil Nas X will embark on his first-ever traveling showthe "Long Live Montero" tourthis fall in North America and Europe, according to Variety. The North American leg kicks off at The Fillmore ...
| 
|  | Bisexual comedian Hannah Einbinder ('Hacks') now at The Den on July 15 2022-04-13 - Bisexual comedian/actress Hannah Einbinder has announced a new date for her stand-up engagement at The Den Theatre, 1331 N. Milwaukee Ave. Originally scheduled to perform on Friday, June 17, Einbinder will now appear Friday, July 15, ...
| 
|  | Announcing Trans Bodies, Trans Selves Second Edition, Release Date: April 15, 2022 2022-03-31 -- From a press release - NEW YORK CITY, New York, March 31, 2022The Trans Bodies, Trans Selves board is proud to announce the release of Trans Bodies, Trans Selves' second edition, published April 15, 2022. The Trans Bodies Trans Selvessecond edition ...
| 
|  | 'Tosca' at Lyric Opera House on select dates through April 10 2022-03-15 - Puccini's Tosca will run at the Lyric Opera House, 20 N. Wacker Dr., on select dates through Sunday, April 10. Performance dates are March 15, 18, 23 and 26 as well as April 3, 7 and 10. The work brings together ...
| 
|  | Lady Gaga announces new tour dates, will stop in Chicago on Aug. 15 2022-03-07 - After having to reschedule due to COVID, Lady Gaga announced new dates for her Chromatica Ball summer tour, Variety noted. The singer announced the 15 stops via Twitter; the dates start July 17 and will continue ...
| 
|  | New date announced for trans comedian River Butcher's performance 2022-03-04 - Comedian River Butcher has announced a new date for his spring stand-up engagement at The Den Theatre. Butcher, originally scheduled to perform Friday, March 11, will now appear Saturday, April 9, at 7:30 p.m. on The ...
| 
|  | Catching up with out singer Chaz Cardigan in Chicago 2022-02-27 - Rising pop singing sensation Chaz Cardigan is finally out on the road after rescheduling tour dates during the pandemic. This out and proud queer musician represents a new generation of artists who never hid who they ...
| 
|  | THEATER Bayless, Rubenstein to join 'A Recipe for Disaster' on select dates 2022-02-10 - James Beard Award-winning Chef Rick Bayless and Windy City Playhouse Artistic Director Amy Rubenstein announced they will join the cast of their hit immersive production A Recipe For Disaster, written by Bayless, Rubenstein and Windy City ...
| 
|  | THEATER 'Lookingglass Alice' to run April 30-July 31 2022-02-04 - Lookingglass Theatre Company, 821 N. Michigan Ave., announced new dates for the return of the production of Lookingglass Alice, as performances for the circus-infused spectacle will now run April 30-July 31. Lookingglass Alice, inspired by Lewis ...
| 
|  | Fahrenheit postpones gala 2022-02-03 - It is with great regret that I inform you that Lorde, Rustin & Bates (LRB) has postponed the Art & Soul Salon and Sneaker Gala scheduled for Saturday, Feb. 12, 2022 to a new date scheduled ...
| 
|  | Pope Francis thanks U.S. nun for advancing LGBTQ+ rights 2022-01-14 - In a recent letter to Sister Jeannine Gramick, Pope Francis thanked her for her 50 years of advocacy and ministry to LGBTQ+ Catholics, The Hill reported. The pope in his letter, dated Dec. 10, said Gramick ...
| 
|  | Chicago Travel & Adventure Show now Feb. 19-20 2022-01-12 - The 17th annual Chicago Travel & Adventure Show will now take place Feb. 19-20 at Rosemont's Donald E. Stephens Convention Centertwo weeks after the original dates. The date change is due to the ongoing rise in ...
| |
|
|