THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

Let's start off this Gift Guide Edition of WWWeird with a delightful little device that finally gives a concrete answer to the question 'What Would Jesus Do?' All you have to do is hold the Answer Me Jesus and ask your question. Give it a shake and then upend him and take a peek up his robe. The answer will mystically float into view. Using space age Magic 8-Ball technology, the Answer Me Jesus will never steer you wrong. I asked it 'Will WWWeird ever be anything more than a shitty little bar rag column?' The reply: 'And I died for this?'

So that's where I can still get a Billy Bass

How to describe PrankPlace.com ... It's like a really, really huge Spencer Gifts, but just the part that handles the fart gags. In other words, it may be one of the most puerile gift sites on the Internet. I'm really hoping that Santa leaves me the 'Pull My Finger: Smelly Holiday' CD. Is Christmas complete without gathering all the kiddies around to sing 'Silent but Deadly Night'? And my truck seems naked now that I know that there are Stripper Kitten ornaments out there to turn its antenna into a mobile stripper pole. Lastly, I want the inflatable moosehead, so I can just drink at home and pretend I'm at Bucks.

Pimp my pecker

There are quite a few custom condom manufacturers on the Internet, but they all have two big drawbacks: the set-up fee and huge minimum orders. The smallest order most of the companies will handle is 250. Granted for some of you that's just a busy weekend at the Eagle, but the mortals among us will not use 250 condoms before they crumble from dry rot. CustomCondom.com solves this dilemma. They use digital printing, so they are willing to handle orders as small as a dozen condoms, and they have no set-up fees so a dozen will only set you back about 20 bucks.

And they say Cocaine is god's way of saying you make too much money...

You've probably all perused the SkyMall catalog. What else are you going to do when your stuck on plane for three hours waiting for takeoff? If you haven't seen it, the only way to describe it is to say that it's a bunch of useless shit aimed at unimaginative executives. Think of a cross between Sharper Image and Fingerhut. This stuff ranges from tacky to downright creepy. The Excalibur Letter Opener made me chuckle, but the Animated Monkey Bust is going to cause me sleepless nights for weeks. The picture was scary enough. Did they have include video of it too?