So you skipped out on Bear Night at Touché this past weekend because you literally didn't have the stomach for it. Well, the folks at TheBeerBelly.com have a solution for you. Think of it as a falsie for your tummy. Next Bear Night strap this puppy on and you're sure to set tongues a-waggin'. You'll look like you're always first in line at the Old Country Buffet. If you're a cheap bastard, you can fill it with your favorite beverage and drink through the handy sipping straw. Of course, every sip you take will decrease your... ummm... allure.
If you're only going to do one thing, do it well. And gosh darn it, this is the best cracker-text generating site on the Web. It's not without its flaws, mind you. The site is in English, but, for some reason, the text generator is long on accented vowels like å, ä, ø, and ö, but short on plain-old consonants like w, q, and z. ( Or maybe the absence of W is a political statement. Who knows? ) To get 'wwweird' for the graphic to the left, I had to enter 'mmmeird' and do a little Photoshop magic. Mmmeird. I kind of like that.
bad puns r' us
The Wickerpedia is the online hard woven plant fiber encyclopedia. Well, actually it's not. Although it promises over 600,000 articles of hard-woven-plant-fibery goodness, I'm sorry to report that it's just a joke. No matter what you type in the search box ( rattan, cane, bamboo, reed ) it can't find an exact match and queries if 'you meant wicker' and directs you back to the single article in its database. [ Sigh ] I have this strange desire now to go to Pier One or Cost Plus and fondle the merchandise.
Now this is playing with a little pussy
God, I wish I could do this with my cats. It's a little cat-piano not unlike the Farting Nun one I featured many, many columns ago. The higher the note, the taughter the cat's tail is pulled for strumming. This will keep you amused for about 14 seconds. Then I recommend you head over to careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail and send someone a Monk-E-Mail message. But don't use the text-to-voice option. Call in your message. OK?