Sex. Temptation. Lust. It's all here in this nifty new redo of Nightspots, the tabloid edition. It all started last week at the Jewel. I have successfully trained myself not to fall prey to the pretty, pretty products set up in the checkout line. I don't even buy the chocolate anymore. But when I saw The National Enquirer, staring me down with all its salacious glow, who was I to resist? I thought it might be fun to do a Gus Van Sant style shot-by-shot remake of the cover, with all the trashy text in tact.
As I picked the magazine from its predetermined sales rack and placed it on the belt, my first instinct was to immediately look around me and explain to everyone within my sight line that I was only purchasing this filth for work and had no intention of reading it. But I thought better of that, thinking it might be protesting too much. So I silently paid my $2.69 ( aren't you glad Nightspots is free? ) and exited the self-opening doors to the parking lot.
So now that I had it in hand, it
was time to start filling in the
blanks. My first stop was Nutbush in Forest Park, where everyone had gathered for a rousing game of trailer trash bingo. My God, they get bitchy at bingo time. I was glad to jump right in to the fray. So many offers of head that night! Anyway, at the lovely and talented Nutbush, I got my pix for Martha Stewart ( boy, prison sure has done a number on her ) , Cher ( who's never looked so young and supple ) , Tatum O'Neal ( she's a fat leather queen at heart ) and Ms. Kirstie Alley. I thought Kirstie would have been the hardest, but she just jumped right into that role!
Up at The Closet, I found my Whitney ( Butta, you're too good in that picture! ) , Jorja Fox ( the only straight person on the cover ) , Eva Longoria ( Tabitha showing surprisingly little cleavage ) and the kissing couple to the right. That's Anna Nicole, pre-every-drug-in-creation.
Geno at Cocktail makes a smashing Charlize, wouldn't you say?
The two lovely ladies to the left I found at Spin. They didn't really get married, but this issue is all about faux-scandal, so there you go. Hi, Michelle! That's us, exchanging pure evil shots. To each his own sin.
Finally, everyone's favorite goat boy, Steve from Clark's stepped in at the final hour as a touching tribute to Mr. Jerry Orbach. Insert wry wisecrack here. Love ya, Briscoe.
Pretty timely though. It appears Hydrate is doing Tabloid Scandal weekend this weekend. I know I'll be on hand to expose the seamy underbelly of all the stars ( and starfuckers ) who hang out there. I'm betting on Saturday night with DJ Greg Drescher. Better get your makeup right, girls, 'cuz I'm a comin'.
Did you catch my debut on Windy City Radio last Sunday? The show now airs an hour earlier at 10 p.m. on WCKG 105.9 FM. Chattin' it up with Peter and Jim was a textbook hoot. Tune in every week. You never know when you might catch me.
One more shameless plug for the road. Catch me reading my column live at The Heartland Cafe on Wednesday nights at 10. Join me, my friend Peter and all the gang to see these words coming from my very mouth. If you can take it.