Over the years, I have interviewed my share of comedians. Few of them have made me laugh as hard as I did while interviewing the goddess of giggles, Judy Tenuta. The high-priestess of hilarity is returning to her homeland of Chicago for the Chicago Comedy Festival.
Gregg Shapiro: What do you have planned for your appearance here?
Judy Tenuta: I will be performing a marriage in Judyism. Of course, it will be a mitzvah for the eyes and ears for all my studsicles and stud virgins.
GS: You say the word mitzvah very well for shiksa.
JT: A mitzvah is a big, fat celebration. Party!
GS: Do you have anything special prepared to say about President George W. Bush?
JT: Oh, he's so tired, honey. He's so damn tired. I can't even talk about that pig. Although, I'm trying to help him with his vowels. I am trying to help him to learn the vowels and he's coming along. You notice he can't say the letter S. It's always "yesh." They come out as "sh." "Yesh, I have shent over the militariesh." Besides not being able to spell, he can't pronounce his "s"s. So, I think I might enter him into a spelling bee with Reverend Tutu. Not only that, I'm going to go over to the White House and do a makeover on that bitch.
GS: Have you ever been involved with the International Mr. Leather contest?
JT: Oh, of course. Yes, yes, yes! I love the International Mister Leather contest! All those hot throbbing cheeks in chaps. Chap dancing! They're always very fun. The last time I did that was five years ago. I was a special guest and I brought my mother with me. She saw two guys in a lip lock. She goes, "I don't want you guys to mate while my daughter's on-stage. Can't you wait until after ( the show ) ?" ( Laughs ) It was funny.
GS: You starred in the movie Desperation Boulevard, which was directed by Greg Glienna of Meet The Parents fame. What can you tell me about your role?
JT: I was the lead, honey. I'm the lead. I am the staaaarrr, of course! The story is about a former child star who will stop at nothing to make a comeback. She does everything, short of having a sex-change. ( She is ) prompted by her schlocky manager, very well-played by Academy Award-nominated ( actor ) Michael Lerner. She does several things. He has her pretend to be homeless, and all these things for publicity. He says, "Publicity is the key to success." He's right. Look at Robert Downey, Jr. I was dating him until he found out I wasn't a pharmacy. I almost had a role on a sitcom, and then, hello, they gave it to Charlie Sheen.
GS: In Spin City?
GS: I'm glad you brought that up because lots of comedians who aren't nearly as funny as you are have gotten their own sitcoms.
JT: They have good knee pads, daddy! I need to get sturdy knee pads. I'm going to Monica Slutinsky Handbag Designs and get some special knee pads from that slutsicle.
GS: Do you think that you might someday have your own sitcom?
JT: Oh, yes. We believe in it. We belieeeeeeve in it!
GS: What would it be about?
JT: It could be several things. I'm divorced from a guy and I'm running a diner. Of course he comes back to me, but he has a gay lover. What do you think of that?
GS: It sounds great! What would you call it?
JT: Married With Powertools. Because I have to use "power tools" after the divorce. Get it?