All these years, I thought the Republicans were saying they believed in smaller government, when in fact, it turns out, they were saying small-minded government. My mistake is understandable given that they have repeated endlessly that Democrats rely too much on government programs and regulations. One would naturally assume, therefore, that by small government Republicans meant fewer programs and regulations. This kind of mistake happens all the time because we tend to think in dichomtomies: butch and femme, top and bottom, up and down, in and out, in and out, in and out. Ooops—sorry: lost my train of thought for a second there. But that digression brings up another example: the Moral Right, by calling themselves that, gives the impression that all the rest of us are necessarily immoral. Or it's like implying that if you're not Pro Life, you're pro death. Or that because I'm not straight, I'm gay. Oh wait—that one's true.
But it's not so much that the Republicans want fewer programs and regulations—it's that they want government involvement only when it protects their own agenda. In the past few weeks, Republicans have begun to remind me of Liz Taylor who, first thing in the morning, without the soft-focus camera and the hours of work by stylists, looks like just another tired old lady. Similarly, the Republicans at the top have lately shown themselves to be just another bunch of tired old bigots. Here's how I imagine they must make policy decisions:
The environment? Who needs regulations! Let snowmobilers trample our national parks, let oil rigs pop up in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge where flowers and polar bears are now thriving, let toxic waste flow into the air and water—we don't want to impinge on anyone's freedom, lord knows. Regulate local utilities? Takes too much time and money. So what if FirstEnergy caused a massive blackout this past August—the government has more important things to do, like hunt for weapons of mass destruction that don't exist. Queer people being legally allowed to marry? Yikes! We better pass an amendment that defines marriage in a way that excludes them.
Regulation, I guess, is in the beady eye of the beholder.
Heck, Republicans have been so busy legislating against gays and lesbians lately, it's no wonder they don't have time to regulate such inconsequential things as who provides our utilities and who can do what to the environment! Ever since Massachusetts's highest court upheld same-sex marriage, Republicans nationwide have been on overdrive to regulate queer life: Florida went to court to maintain its ban on adoption by gays, a Congressional House Subcommittee has been cozying up with a guy who manages Focus on the Family's 'ex-gay' program, and Bush is planning to spend $1.5 billion on his so-called Healthy Marriage Initiative, intended to teach low-income couples how to sustain a healthy (subtext: straight) marriage. It's a good thing we don't have more pressing problems confronting us right now, like 15 million people unemployed and terrorists on the loose.
I am no political pundit—I am neither male enough nor pearly white enough—but my guess is that some time in the foreseeable future, Bush and his gang of high-class bullies will be as embarrassed about trying to pass hateful legislation restricting the rights of queer folk as the late-governor George Wallace was to have been a segregationist. Of course, in the meantime, we have to endure their intolerance, and there's no telling where that will take us. For all I know, I might be cozying up with some Middle Eastern guys at Guantanamo next month.
At first I thought the Big Bush and the dense hedge of Republicans surrounding him were paranoid—like next we'd be asking them to be grooms in gay marriages—but now I realize they're more like Wile E. Coyote: they are simply stupid and lack the vision to see that their actions will have consequences, whether those actions involve dredging up toxic oil into a pristine wilderness or depriving children of a family because the potential adoptive parents are gay. George Bush is about to step off a cliff holding an anvil. I'm just hoping it's this coming November. Meep-meep!
c 2004 by Yvonne Zipter.
www.yvonnezipter.com