(PU) With the election only months away and Iraq war news at low ebb, the White House called a press conference today to announce that the Bush administration was grievously misunderstood last year, when it asked the world to launch an onslaught against Saddam Hussein. 'You misheard us,' stated White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. 'We didn't say Saddam Hussein is harboring weapons of mass destruction; we said SODOMITE HOMOS are holding WEDDINGS of mass destruction. Boy, you people take everything to nut city, don't you?'
McClellan attributed the presence of U.S. and Allied soldiers in Iraq to an unfortunate bureaucratic 'oopsie' that would soon be remedied. 'We're going to bring the troops home, just in time for the election,' said McClellan. 'We need them here to hunt down and destroy those demonic gay marriages, so you people can feel safe voting Republican.'
In a speech later televised from the Oval Office, President George W. Bush concurred. 'It is a known fact that gays are brutal dictators. Allowing them to marry each other would mean the destruction of America, as we know it. That is why I support a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages. But we must go further.'
Citing the oft-repeated intelligence that 4,000 gays did not show up for work at the World Trade Center on the morning of 9-11, Mr. Bush proposed another $40 billion addition to the military budget, to develop 'honeymoon' detention camps for gay newlyweds and a cake-seeking missile system that would obliterate same-sex wedding figures from atop multi-tiered nuptial pastries, while leaving heterosexual figures intact.
Although the program is in its infancy, seasoned American combat veterans say their patriotism has been revived by the new threat to national security. Sergeant Myra Diddleswich, who left eight children stateside in foster care and a husband in detox to serve the past 11 months in Iraq, declared, 'I'll be damned if I know what's so great about marriage, but them gays sure ain't getting it. I'd rather bust up a gay wedding any day than shoot a bunch of straight Iraqis.'
American religious communities have also shown approval for the Bush pre-election tack. 'We love the sinners but hate their weddings,' announced Floyd B. Belcher, pastor of The First Baptist Church of Christ the Anti-Semite. 'Gays are not part of God's plan for us. God's plan for us is wailing, death, gnashing of teeth, and eternal fiery torment—not unions of loving souls who happen to reside in bodies of the same sex. Don't those people read their Bible?'
To ensure broad success at the polls, however, the Bush administration has tempered its forceful antigay marriage campaign with an inclusive multiculturalism that has proven successful over the years. In various off-the-cuff comments following his press conference, White House spokesman McClellan indicated that the Bush Administration might seek to appoint Andrew Sullivan as National Security Advisor, when Condoleezza Rice steps down from the post later this year. 'That should show those ditsy fudge-packers we're not homophobic,' he said.
MORE WMD JOKES
(PU) In a further effort to deflect criticism of the war in Iraq, President Bush made a humorously self-deprecating appearance on March 24 to over 2,000 people at a black-tie dinner for the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association. Mr. Bush showed slides of himself looking playfully around the Oval Office for 'weapons of mass destruction,' saying, 'Nope, no weapons here. Maybe over here.'
The bit went over so well with most of the audience that Herb Johnson, local proprietor of an army-navy store, was inspired to open a novelty shop that sells whimsical gag items, based on the concept of 'no weapons of mass destruction.' 'It seems to serve a purpose,' said Mr. Johnson. 'And I need something to fill up my time, now.'
Located in the affluent Capitol Hill area, 'L'il Shop of Terrors' is intended to tickle the fancy of fun-loving lobbyists, Senators and Representatives of all ages who supported the invasion of Iraq. Mr. Johnson demonstrated one of the items for sale, a tiny grenade made to look like a hand-buzzer. Worn on the inside of the palm, the device explodes in a zany and wacky fashion during a typical Washingtonian handshake, effectively shredding an unsuspecting politico's flesh into cleverly configured, party-sized strips. 'Get it?' asked Mr. Johnson, excitedly, 'Get it?'
Then there's an old standby, the bloody G.I. fingertip, ingeniously embedded in a plastic ice cube. And who can forget the favorite landmine-filled whoopee cushion that not only sends entrails cascading merrily about a Congressional subcommittee but also emits a naughty, flatulent sound, so reminiscent of rollicking legislative hi-jinks? The shop's owner himself has begun to attend posh Washington parties, dressed as a clown with a little red carnation that squirts napalm.
Mr. Johnson, a jocular individual whose 19-year-old son was killed last December on duty in Iraq, took time out from a fit of hilarity to wipe a tear from his eye and gasp, 'Laughter really is the best medicine. Almost 600 American kids, including my only boy, have died, thousands more maimed for life, but I never got it, see? It took Mr. Bush's skit at that dinner to make me realize this whole Iraq thing is just one big joke. Now, I can't stop laughing. Help me.'
Copyright Susie Day, 2004