Sometimes it seems there is a silent, wary truce between those of us who are HIV-positive and our friends who remain negative. We won't make them feel guilty about being negative if they don't blame us for being positive.
Ever seen negative guys complaining about the grind of continually making "proper" sexual choices, or how frustrating it is to watch a friend test positive? Not if a positive guy was within earshot, that's for damn sure. The whole topic is fraught with shame and guilt and blame, when what's needed is quite the opposite: a chance to lift up, to celebrate HIV-negative gay men for their achievement.
And make no mistake: any single, sexually active gay man that remains HIV-negative has something to be proud of. And he should be riding a float in the pride parade if he likes. Sure, there are those who will argue that he's lucky, or isn't a bareback bottom, or… any number of qualifiers that seek to minimize the fact he's maintained his status. Why can't we exalt those who continue to make good choices?
I'm comfortable making this argument because I'm HIV-positive. I've been washed in the blood. I'm cloaked in the righteousness of knowing "what it's like" to live with HIV. Yeah. Tell that to my HIV-negative brother, who lost his lover of 15 years to AIDS, after two horrific years caring for him. Tell my brother he doesn't get it.
Since the earliest days of the AIDS pandemic among gay men, those infected with HIV have been the focus of the gay community's attentions and empathy. In 1983, the "Denver Principles" [ www.actupny.org/documents/Denver.html ] —a list of rights for and by people with AIDS—set the stage for those actually living with the virus to have control of their health care and a voice in the community. People with HIV/AIDS were put in positions of leadership and looked towards for vision, and understandably so. It was a historic document that has influenced patient care and advocacy ever since, for all sorts of diseases. But the early focus on and triage mentality for those with HIV/AIDS, in the years since, often came at the expense of real attention being paid to those that remained HIV negative. And speaking for myself, I don't want to be looked upon any differently in this struggle, thank you very much.
Today, HIV-negative gay men hear a lot about what they should be doing ( or not doing ) , and not enough about what they are doing well. They have had to plod along, making the best choices they could to remain negative, fearing every blood test, and often watching friends become infected with HIV. I just wonder if HIV-negative gay men get a little tired of being overlooked because they ... never became infected?
People living with HIV face daily stigma and prejudice, from the workplace to the dating pool. But this isn't a contest. HIV negative men may not hold the trump card, but their lives avoiding HIV can be more stressful than my life living with it.
It's this thinking that led me to create a video message for HIV-negative gay men for my blog, "My Fabulous Disease" ( www.MyFabulousDisease.com ) . It's my hope that our community can get more comfortable supporting each other regardless of status, and give some love and credit where it is due.
Please check out "In Praise of HIV Negative Gay Men" ( marksking.com/my-fabulous-disease/in-praise-of-hiv-negative-gay-men ) and share it with a negative friend. It might be just the validation he's been waiting for. And it's long overdue.
Mark S. King is an award-winning writer and author of A Place Like This. His video blog, www.MyFabulousDisease.com, takes an often comic look at his life as an HIV-positive gay man in recovery.
