After spending more years than I care to admit on online gay hook-up sites, I believe I have finally learned some rules for successfully meeting up with other men. Gay men are a fickle bunch as a whole and in a perfect world probably none of these tips would apply. Although there can be many more added, following are some of the top 10 basic rules for making yourself more marketable online and getting those men to want to meet up with you.
1. Be witty and clever when describing yourself and why you are online in the first place. Don't say you are online because you are "bored." No one really likes the idea that they are simply saving you from spending another tedious evening at home and you don't want him to know the true reasons you're alone anyway. Be sure not to describe yourself as "down to earth." Instead of how everyone else might understand its definition, the actual meaning in gayspeak apparently is "high-maintenance."
2. Learn the correct spelling and usage of the word "discreet" ( not "discrete" ) . The rule of thumb is that anyone that uses the word is cheating on somebody anyway. Nobody likes an ignorant cheater. Look the two words up online and show that you're an educated cheater.
3. Dump the "bi" description…unless at least one of your last five sexual partners was a biological female ( particularly if you are a married man ) , chances are it's no longer accurate. Use the beautiful woman/average man test: Go out in public and wait for a really beautiful woman to pass by…as you watch her walking and if an average-looking man crosses her path going the opposite direction and your gaze automatically switches to him instead, it's a good bet the "bi" label no longer applies.
4. Always shave a few years off your age and pounds from your weight, unless you are already under 25 and are not more than 150 pounds. Anyone under 25 is always the exception to any rule. Be sure to state you have an eight-inch penis, too. Anything larger only attracts freaks that could easily challenge the Holland Tunnel.
5. Regardless of your physical appearance, only use "average" or "swimmers build." These days, waist sizes over 40 inches can be "average" and even a whale has a "swimmers build." It's all relative. Also, having been forced to play Little League as a child by a homophobic father does not make one "athletic." Remove any reference to "masculine." The fact is no one is truly masculine looking with their legs in the air.
6. Keep your standards high, regardless of how you look, be sure to only specify that a guy you'll accept is muscular, smooth, outgoing, young and, of course, attractive. Make it clear that you'll only accept perfection as far as looks go from the other person.
7. Be sure to keep your options open; say you are really looking for a long term relationship but slip in the line "but occasional hookups are ok." This allows you to date someone and let them believe you are serious and get great birthday and holiday gifts while at the same time keeping yourself available if someone better comes along.
8. Never have a face pic in your profile but have one available for email. Face pics are important for the other guy to imagine what you might look like as you are making passionate expressions just inches above his forehead. It is recommended the pic be at least 10 years old. If you don't have an older picture, use one that is either very small or taken from a far away distance. ( For exceptions, see Rule number 4. )
9. Specify you are a "top" when it comes to sex. Do not use the word "versatile." Your online hits will skyrocket. Practically 99.9 percent of guys are actually online looking to be a bottom ( including other "tops," and this is why they only show a pic of their ass ) . This allows everyone to think they're going to get what they're after and increases your chances of hooking up. Always remember to have your dildo in an easily accessible location.
10. Be sure your profile says you are HIV negative, even if you are positive. Men as a rule are pigs, and really only look at profiles that say the HIV status is negative in order to justify having unsafe sex. ( We will avoid the obvious lecture on the stupidity of this behavior. ) I have never heard of anyone being asked to produce their most recent test results. Most states have something called a Duty to Warn law that requires disclosure of HIV positive status to a sex partner. Wait until you are both naked, extremely horned up, and say something like "I just found out my test results yesterday and haven't had time to change the status on my profile, I've been so upset." Chances are good at this point he'll either fess-up to his own status, feel sorry for you and continue, or be too horny to care, so be sure you pull out the condoms, slip them on and go at it with a clear conscience.
So, there you have it. This is just the basics and as time goes on, you'll probably find your own rules more suited for your own personal tastes. I know I continue to refine mine and will happily report them as I figure them out. Until then, good luck and happy hunting!
David Beck is a Chicago actor who is currently working on his master's degree at the Indiana University School of Social Work.
