After having completed substance abuse treatment and with six months of sobriety under my belt, I felt I was unsinkable.
I failed to see the signs that relapse would be just around the corner. My determination to never use again and to remain sober was no match against methamphetamine. My relapse was a devastating blow to my psyche and the hard work I had put into recovery. Since my relapse, I have learned that an addict is never truly cured and that treatment is life-long process.
Meth has an 88 percent relapse rate; which should be a testament to its destructive nature. After rehab, I had a strong aftercare program; I relapsed nonetheless. Each day of not using was like a fight. Battling cravings and the ever-present urge to numb my feelings eventually caught up with me. In the back of my mind I realized that it would be near impossible to win every day.
My being was fixated on doing everything right in order to not jeopardize my recovery. By throwing myself into work and achieving new goals I was convinced that I was on the right path. In doing this I inadvertently set myself up for failure. Scared to slip up, I found myself taking a step back from social interactions. I shut out people in my life who truly cared and distanced myself from a key part of any addicts recovery, the support of loved ones and including them in my recovery.
There are a few things I wish I had known prior to leaving treatment that could have prevented my relapse. To have been educated enough to understand the reaity of relapse seems the most basic, but crucial aspect that I was not fully prepared for. Only 12 percent of meth addicts fight off relapse successfully. Knowing this statistic and being able to apply it to my own experience could have given me a different perspective. I had put so much pressure on myself to never use again that I burnt myself out. I found myself back at square one, back to feeling the urge to stave off my emotions. Meth creates a numbness that is appealing to those dealing with their feelings. It temporarily provides a false sense of happiness. I want anyone in the world struggling to understand this and in turn be able to fight their addiction harder and smarter.
Society views addicts as less than many times over, with disgust. This stigma affects addicts relationships and is a key reason most find difficulty letting their friends and family in. Rejection is a powerful kind of hurt; leaving addicts vulnerable to battling addiction on their own. I wish i would have known how to better include others in my recovery. To have let my guard down and to have felt like I wasn't alone would have done wonders for me. Having the courage to simply call my best friend or a family member during my most difficult moments is something I wish I would have willed myself to do. I have incredible people in my life who would have listened and talked me down, but I was too proud to admit that I still struggled.
Stage IV cancer-survival statistics are better than the treatment statistics on meth addiction. This is an overwhelming fact that not only needs to change, but CAN change. Substance abuse treatment and aftercare are essential to any recovery program, however the reality once leaving treatment isn't always clear. It is easy to lose ones self while fighting tooth and nail for their recovery. Addicts need to fully comprehend what they are up against and they need to be shown by those they are closest to that what they are going through isn't trivial. They need to be made to feel safe enough to open up during their times of need.
C.L. Frederick is an internationally published columnist ( having been published on websites such as The Huffington Post ) who reports on social issues affecting the LGBT community.
