Most of us likely associate the holidays with home and the family. For those of us who are members of the LGBT community, this may be an emotionally charged time of year, as what are supposed to be Hallmark greeting card experiences of joy and happiness may instead stir up intense feelings of pain and isolation.
The following vignettes are snapshots of psychotherapy clients in my practice. Although their names and identifying information have been changed, the spirit of their struggles remains intact.
Jonathan is a thirtysomething gay male who dreads family events. Although he garnered enough courage to come out to his family years ago, he feels as if he is forced back into the closet whenever he goes to his family get-togethers. His father no longer asks when he will get married, but the silence that has since replaced his father's incessant questioning is even more deafening and torturous. His mother maintains the belief that he just has not met the right woman yet and quietly clings on to the hope that someday he will give her a grandchild. He has come to the realization that trying to fulfill his parents' expectations of him is at the root of his depression.
Darren is a fortysomething gay male whose relationships with his family members have become extremely strained. His oldest sister has become very vocal about her disdain of him and, under the guise of religiosity, has taken it upon herself to condemn his sinful ways to everyone within earshot. His mother and his other siblings tell him that they accept him as he is, but their behaviors suggest otherwise: Because they do not take a stand against his sister's condemnations, he experiences their passivity as actively conspiring with his sister's homophobia.
Mandy is a twentysomething bisexual female who, at the time of her last session, was experiencing some anxiety about bringing her girlfriend to her family gathering for the first time. She is out to her nuclear family, but because Thanksgiving will be an extended family affair, she worries that they will not be accepting of her girlfriend and her same-sex relationship. She also worries that, although she feels very accepted by her parents and her siblings, her bringing her girlfriend home with her for the first time may bring to surface unexpected negative feelings on their part.
The common thread that weaves these three and other members of the LBGT community together is that, especially during the holiday season, we face situations in relation to our families that those who are not members do not. Because of this, this time of the year can feel especially depressing and isolating.
What can we do to make the holiday season less painful? The following are some suggestions that may or may not be applicable to each person.
1. Identify your family members who are your allies. Solicit the support and gain strength from them to help you weather the storm of your unsupportive family members.
2. Be open and out to family members who you are uncertain about. You may be pleasantly surprised that those you assumed would not be your allies may come out of the woodwork and be some of your most staunch supporters.
3. Remember that coming out is a process for our family members. You may be disappointed that your sister who you thought was further along neglected to buy your partner a gift but remembered to buy gifts for the other in-laws.
4. Choose your battles. Sometimes you just have to take a breather, but this does not mean that you have given up into conspiring in the silence.
5. Let go and move on. As difficult as a decision as it may be, you may come to the realization that the solution is to distance yourself from your family members. Out of self-worth and self-respect, sometimes the only solution is to detach yourself from relationships that are unhealthy for you, even if it is involves family members.
6. Create your own holiday traditions. Plan a holiday getaway with your best friend. Continue holiday traditions passed down from your ancestors and find a happy fusion with the holiday traditions that your life partner is passing down from his or ancestors.
7. Reach out to the more disenfranchised members of our community. Set an extra place on the table for our orphan brothers and sisters. Be available to our seniors who may be feeling especially lonely this time of the year.
The most important message in all of this is that you owe it to yourself to be happy as a gay person, and that is the greatest gift you can ever give to yourself and to the people who matter.
Dr. Edward Fajardo is a licensed clinical psychologist in independent private practice specializing in gay-affirmative psychotherapy. He can be contacted at EJFajardo@aol.com or 312-623-0502.