As I was contemplating a major decision in my life, I had the following dream:
I am standing at the top of a rocky cliff. I look way down below to see an emerald green pool of water. I step back, uncertain whether or not to jump into the pool. I hesitate, take a deep breath, and take the plunge. The water feels very refreshing, and I am glad that I made the decision to jump in.
This dream was the confirmation I needed to reassure myself that I was moving in the right direction. Fast forward to several years later, and to this day, I have zero regrets about the life-changing decision that I had made.
I share this anecdote because, based on my own personal experiences as well as from my years as a clinical psychologist, what appears to be a commonly shared human experience is the fear of taking risks. Some of us believe that we are doomed to fail and therefore abandon the notion of even trying. "I'm going to fail anyway, so what's the point in trying?" is the guiding philosophy here. For others of us, it is more relational and interpersonal.
We may have experienced disappointments in our lives, likely during the formative early years of our development, and avoid relationships all together or get caught up in repetitive unhealthy ones. Yet for others of us, it's all about feeling like we're not good enough or not worthy enough. The common thread is that we sometimes let our fears and insecurities get in the way of pursuing goals and dreams. We are often our own worst obstacles.
"I'm a prisoner of my own life!" a client once remarked during an "aha" moment of self-realization. Though we both burst out laughing because it was such a drama queen moment, we were also both very aware of the profundity of his insight.
This fear of taking risks, and how we barricade ourselves inside our comfort zones is very much a reality for me personally right now. Shortly after getting the go signal from Windy City Times to write monthly articles, I sat in front of my computer, eager to write my very first article. Waiting for the words to flow out spontaneously, I instead froze, my mind drawing a complete blank. What have I done? Why did I commit myself to writing articles? I'm not even a writer! Have I made a mistake? Do I even have anything to offer? My self-doubt quickly reared its ugly head once again, immobilizing me to inaction.
With myself as with my clients, I often offer the following imagery: You are at a fork in the road. You can either go in one direction, which is the direction that you tend to take and that is all too familiar. Unfortunately, that may also be the same road in which you make the same mistakes, the same unhealthy patterns, or the same negative outcomes over and over and over again—or, you can take the other direction. This other direction may be new and uncharted territory. It will be the less familiar one. It will likely take much more work and effort, but you may find your efforts well worth it.
As scary and as frightening as it may be, I support and encourage and challenge each and every single one of us to take the road less travelled—within responsible reason, of course. It may force us to come face to face with the very things that we have been trying to avoid ( and which explains our tendency to gravitate toward the more familiar route ) . It may also shed light on the reality that, more often than not, we are the ones who hold ourselves captive to our own self-imposed limitations. Then again, we are also the ones who have the freedom to liberate ourselves from our own self-created roadblocks.
Despite my own self-created barriers, I am up for the challenge. Through the forum of this monthly article, I will commit myself to write about and share my psychological reflections on anything and everything mental health-related of relevance to our community. Already my thoughts go to potential topics for future editions of this article: how our social position as members of a disenfranchised community is as much a blessing as it has been a curse, how striving for perfection may actually be a set-up for failure, how we as a community sometimes perpetuate the trauma that was inflicted upon us toward one another instead of helping each other. The possibilities are limitless.
I also invite the rest of you to test your own personal limits and take the plunge with me.
Dr. Edward Fajardo is a licensed clinical psychologist in independent private practice specializing in gay-affirmative therapy. He can be contacted at EJFajardo@aol.com or 312-623-0502.
