Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, lastly, acceptance are the five stages of grief established by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The model is a comprehensive tool to describe what a person goes through when he or she experiences a traumatic event.
Certainly, finding out you are HIV-positive can be a devastatingly traumatic event.
Let's focus right now on anger, because this is the stage of grief that can most potentially lead to harm for others.
People who have been just diagnosed as HIV-positive often express anger at the person they believe infected them. They often express anger at the virus and the subsequent physical manifestations, whether actual or anticipated. And they may rage against the 'one and only time' they had unprotected sex. This anger and rage come from a myriad of reasons and explanations surrounding issues of self-blame, self-loathing and feelings of isolation and uncertainty. Angry people are still early in the grieving process and have not yet reached a place where they can rationally process their emotions.
What is dangerous about this lack of rational action is that while someone is in a stage of rage and anger, that person can become a potential deadly weapon. Unprotected sex when you know you have HIV is rage against humanity. The rationalizations are naïve and dangerous: 'So what, I'll do what was done to me,' 'They're lying and are infected like me anyway' and 'I don't care, I hurt and so should others.'
All of these feelings can be packaged with flowers, perfume and sophistication to pacify one's needs, but the action is still the same. Unprotected sex with full knowledge that you are HIV-positive is acting out in a vicious and harmful way and it will not relieve your pain.
Anger is part of the grieving process of life before HIV and the experience of loss—loss of a feeling of invincibility; loss of strength and security; and loss of love. It can be worked through and resolved. Moving beyond anger and obtaining acceptance will allow someone to lead a healthy, balanced life. Remaining angry for a long period of time is harmful to everyone involved.
BEHIV is available in the Chicago area to help HIV-positive people, offering testing, emotional and physical support, counseling and condoms. If you know of someone acting out his or her grief, encourage them to seek help.
It comes down to this: If you knew someone had a weapon and he or she planned to use it on someone else, would you let him or her?